Sunday, August 30, 2015

Sabbath day

Today is my sabbath day.  I spend time at church.  I spend time with family.  I spend time pondering my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I review how well I am following the footsteps of my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Sometimes I sleep.  Yup.  Resting on Sunday is catch up time.  At one point in my life I worked every Saturday, so that I could attend church on Sunday.  I had a co-worker that wanted Saturday off for her Jewish Sabbath.  We traded.  I worked all her Saturdays and she worked all my Sundays.  We both knew that a day to reset our minds and be right with the Lord was needed.  The world is busy all the time.  Time to reflect is frowned up as wasting time.  Time to serve as seen as silly and old fashion.  What I learned over the years that I needed to decide for myself how the Sabbath needed to be spent.  When used wisely it works as a reset button.  Ready to face another week.  Ignored and I feel like the week is endless.  One of the things that I value is time to remember that my worries are not the center of my universe.  Centering my life in Christ doesn't change my problems, it changes my perspective about my problems.  It makes a difference for me. 

Friday, August 28, 2015

Mother May I.....

Ooops you forgot to say Mother May I.....go back to the beginning....

That game drove me crazy but it reminds me of my on going battle with my health problems.  This past week I came home and collapsed 5 out of 7 days.  It just sucks.  Sleep is less than 3 hours a night.  I don't give a sh** is creeping into my attitude.  I know this spiral downward well.  If you ever played shoots and ladders it is like getting near the top then landing on the BIG slide down to almost the bottom.  Heavy sigh.  Evaluate each thing in my life.  What am I doing differently?  What am I doing the same as when I hit rock bottom before?  Oh wow, I am feeling helpless, overwhelmed and trapped.  Source?  I believe it is the changes at my job.  I purposely chose a job that I considered low stress.  After doing computer tech work for 15 years almost anything is lower in stress.  I've been doing my job for 5 years now.  What is different now that wasn't there before?  I hate routine yet I need routine to function.  My routine was severely shook up.  The changes are interesting and doable but that nagging feeling of becoming a doormat instead of a respected person crept in.  Who controls that feeling?  Me.  What can I do to take back that sense of 'I know who I am'?  First, I job hunted.  Found another job suitable and rejected it.  Yup.  I really do want to stay where I am.  What do I need to do to be less stressed where I am?  This is what my counselor used to do with me every week.  A relentless discussion and questioning of where I am at, what seems to be affecting me, and what can I do about it.  Sadly, one of the most devastating long lasting affects of childhood abuse is feeling helpless.  When I fall down the rabbit hole of helplessness it is like I am a little child again terrorized by adults with no hope or solution.  I am an adult now.  Challenges are just challenges until I give them power over me.  I retain the power when I look for solutions that work for me.  Someone else offering well meaning advice is rarely helpful.  Someone letting me bounce ideas off of them without judgement and without trying to fix me works wonders.  Times like this I miss my counselor.  Times like this I am thankful that my counselor taught me the process....
1. Identify the emotion
2. Identify the source
3. Define the situation
4. Review what I already know
5. Come up with a plan of action
6. Test the plan of action
7. Give myself time for the change to work (too often I give up too easily)
8. Evaluate progress
9. Adjust the plan
I was blessed with a counselor that believed strongly that his job was to work himself out of a job.  I needed to learn to be independent and able to make self corrections that lead to healthy living.  I was very fortunate in the counselor God prepared for me.  Yes, I do believe that Heavenly Father encourages people to be each others answers to a prayer. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

8 signs

Thanks Judy,
I appreciate you sharing this on your blog.

I am reading through these and recognizing that I am slipping into some of these.  I tend to use passive-agressive behavior when I am cornered or feel like I can't truly say what I feel.  Other times it is free falling backwards into unhealthy habits of hiding from others behind an invisible barbed wire fence. 

Check yourself - how are you doing?

1."Are you nuts?"  I've used questions to manipulate and put down am I doing now?  In my quest for truth I am trying to avoid this kind of behavior.  If I disagree, then I disagree without using manipulative questions. 

2.  Wishing in front of someone else hoping they will get it for me.  I recognize this better when someone wishes that they could get everything done with the hope I will volunteer to take some of their load.  Again the truth campaign encourages me to state what I want without guilting or manipulating the other person.

3. I was raised with these.  I was terrified of compliments because I was always looking for the 'kick' at the end.  My counselor taught me how to give a compliment, it was part of my truth campaign, to state clearly what I appreciate or think the other person as done well. 

4.  Silent treatment from me may mean I never heard them in the first place.  I am sometimes accused of passive-agressive ignoring of the other person.  Being deaf complicates this one.  Again I believe my truth campaign encourages me to say honestly, "I am not in a place that I can have this discussion right now...."  True somethings I will never be in a place to discuss somethings. 

5.  I hadn't thought of procrastination as passive-aggressive behavior.  I need to do a reality check on this one.  I think mine may bounce. 

6.  I was left out often.  I don't like it.  I tend to include people that might not want to be included and feel baffled that they don't all want to be involved.  I come at this one as being the one left out. 

7.  I've been on the receiving end of this one, repeatedly.  I need to figure out how to protect myself from someone sabotaging me.  Not everyone that smiles at you are your friends. 

8. Keeping score and the one-up-on-you game.  This is a constant battle not to slip into these.  I remind myself when I give a gift it is about the pleasure of giving not hoping to get something in return.  Again, my truth campaign keeps me real. 

I am making progress on most of these.  Some I need to look at my behavior again.  Did my reality check bounce on these today? 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I can be flexible without being invisible

Every school year I choose a motto to keep myself motivated to improving my self on my job.  I've worked at the same school for 5 years and every year my life is different.  This year my motto will be:

I can be flexible without being invisible.

When I grew up as a kid, I became so bendy and flexible that I had no backbone and no consistent identity.  My goal is to cope with a constantly changing environment and stay constant with my integrity to myself.  This is new territory for me.  I could blend into any environment but I disappeared as an individual person.  Along with my choice to be flexible, I am adding that the other person's behavior does not control my response.  When needed, I will set boundaries for people that don't respect me.  This is a work in progress and I am making mistakes but that is ok.  I reevaluate progress, make adjustments and go again.  Right now I am working in 3 and possibly 4 different programs.  My day is so heavily scheduled that I am exhausted when I get home.  I am looking at what I do during the day to see where the energy leaks exist....high stress environments, unreasonable expectations by myself and others, and taking on responsibilities that are not mine.  I will remain flexible but hunt down and alter my thinking about my emotional drains.  Some I need to change my perspective.  Others I will simply accept. I remind myself that I am no longer in abusive situations.  I can choose healthy ways to adjust my schedule so that I don't feel balanced. 

Blessed are they flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

“Be gifted with wise flexibility.”
Angelica Hopes, Landscapes of a Heart, Whispers of a Soul


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Drawing a blank

Sometimes when I sit down to write I draw a blank.....nothing seems right to say.  Cool stuff happened with our son and his family came to visit.  At church, I had an opportunity to share how I feel about the Holy Ghost, he's awesome.  Life is settling into a routine sort of.  At least as much of a routine as I can tolerate.  Routines truly are helpful but growing up with routines used to push you harder and harder like whipping a overloaded donkey; my emotional hangups are massive about routines, however, routines truly help.  I tried writing them down.....what a disaster.  I promptly stopped doing anything on my routine list.  Sad to be so rebellious against something that could truly help me cope.  Part of my frustration is I get a routine going them something happens that throws off the routine.  I self sabotage so someone else can't screw up my routine.  How silly is that?  I know routines are helpful.  I know how to write them.  I know I could set them up on spread sheets so they don't emotionally effect me.  Then I refuse to do them.  So I guess I'm affected at a subconscious level, hard to know.  Maybe I'm more like my pictures than I thought.....

Some how writing routines marks my bacterial mats...

Saturday, August 22, 2015


I found this on Facebook and thought it worth sharing.

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was
attending school in Utah.In this school Seminary classes are held during
school hours. Brother Christianson taught Seminary at this particular school. He had an open-door policy and would take in any student that had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules. Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into
Brother Christianson's Seminary class.
Steve was told that he could not be late, so
he arrived just seconds before the bell rang and he would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the class was over.
One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't you?"
Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."
Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many push-ups can you do?"
Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."
"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother
Christianson said. "Do you think you could do 300?"
Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."
"Do you think you could?" Again asked Brother
"Well, I can try," said Steve.
"Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to
do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do
it? I need you to tell me you can do it," Brother
Christianson said. Steve said, "Well... I think I
can... yeah, I can do it."
Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you
to do this on Friday."
Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in
the front of the room. When class started, Brother
Christianson pulled out a big box of donuts.
Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts,
they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream
centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited - it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend.
Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the
first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?"
Cynthia said, "Yes."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"
Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk.
Bro. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia's desk.
Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe do you want a donut?"
Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve
would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten push-ups, Joe got a donut.
And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten
pushups for every person before they got their
And down the second aisle, till Bro. Christianson came to Scott.
Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never
lacking for female companionship. When Bro.
Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"
Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"
Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."
Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"
Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY!
I said I didn't want one!"
Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.
Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry.
Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"
Jenny said, "No."
Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve,would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve did ten, Jenny got a donut.
By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get
red because of the physical effort involved.
Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely. Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.
During his class, however, some students had
wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro. Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.
Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.
Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"
Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well,
they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want."
And Bro. Christianson went on.A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was
about to come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay out!"
Jason didn't know what was going on. Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."
Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him."
Steve said, "Yes, let him come in."
Bro. Christianson said, "Okay, I'll let you get
Jason's out of the way right now. Jason, do you
want a donut?"
"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason
can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.
Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then
started on those seated on the heaters. Steve's
arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face and, by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.
The very last two girls in the room were
cheerleaders and very popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut?
Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you."
Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?"
Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow
pushups for Linda. Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan. "Susan, do you want a donut?"
Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked,
"Bro. Christianson , can I help him?"
Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to do it alone, Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have a donut?"
As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.
Brother Christianson turned to the room and
said. "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the Father, "Into thy hands I commend my spirit." With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, he collapsed on the cross and died. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten.

Thursday, August 20, 2015


I appreciate the comments and email and encouragement and I had a good day.  Most unusual exercise, took preschoolers for a walk.  Mind you these are kiddie buggies, 6 kids to a buggy.  Too hot to play outside so we went for a zigzag walk/trot inside the school.  I had fun and the kids enjoyed the adventure.  Took another nap.  I'm allowing myself to sleep when ever I will.  I am cutting out activities even ones I enjoy to help ease the feelings of overwhelmed.  I know it is not the fun activities, I know from past experience the lessening all activities help me feel better.  I shared a lot on my other blog.  A new word for an old lack of feeling I used to have....

Alexithymia - defined as a person that can not connect to their own emotions. 

I felt emotions but tended to dissociate to where they were no longer available.  Felt like my emotions were locked up and I lost the key to let them out.  

I am thankful to KavinCoach and his persistence in getting me to connect back to my emotions.  I'm also thankful for photography that let me express emotions that seemed locked up without words. words required.




Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Took a break

Start of school is always stressful for me.  Add in medical tests and a few other things and my stress shot through the roof.  In some ways, I am healthier than I was a year ago.  In others, not so much.  I seem to be bent on eating back on all the weight I lost.  The only thing I feel encouraged about on that front is my clothes fit differently.  Seems working out is changing my shape if not my weight.  I am struggling and after school I had a spell.  I haven't had one for quite a while.  My 'spells', because I don't know what else they can be called, are like naps from hell.  I sort of pass out in whatever position I am in, sitting up, standing up, slumped over doesn't make any difference.  I sleep heavily then wake up feeling like my skin was scraped all over inside.  The skin is the largest organ in the body and it can hurt all at the same time.  These were the symptoms I took to the doctor since I was a teenager.  I always get the same answer, your blood test shows everything is normal.  Well I don't feel normal after having one of these. Took me a long time of studying medical journals to learn that medicine is a practice or an art with scientific backing but still a lot is not known about the human body.  There is a powerful connection between emotional, spiritual, and physical states.  I stayed home and rested.  I'm tempted to call into work tomorrow since it is a half day and not much is accomplished.  But I want to save my sick days for bad days not annoying days.  Or days when kids are visiting or traveling with DH.  I am feeling a bit better now but need to get some more sleep soon.  Breath deep.  Focus on now.....what am I looking at?  What do I feel under my feet?  What does the chair feel like that I am sitting in?  How do my fingers feel tapping the keys?  Focus on now is an effective way to get out of my worry head and settle down for sleep.  Good night.

Mammoth Springs, beautiful and deadly.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Testing Testing


I am out of sorts.  Cranky. Not sleeping....if you don't sleep you don't dream.  Works that way you know.  I am working at sleeping more.  I went to bed early several nights in a row.  Then bam one of the worse nightmares I had in a long time.  Involving funerals and feeling responsible and guilty then dead inside.  Those nightmares suck.  Then I've been stress eating.  Brownies in the freezer are disappearing at an alarming rate.  Good things are happening too.  I am working out.  I am doing my job.  I am stretching to doing things I've never done at work before.  My motto for the year, "I can be flexible."  This is very difficult for me.  It puts me in a position of letting go of what little I can control, not fun nor easy. Need to sleep, I'll try to do better tomorrow. 

Friday, August 14, 2015

Bricks and Blocks

I was fascinated to by a story I heard a long time ago about a boy that through a brick at a brand new car.  The man driving was justifiably furious and stopped to grab the boy.  To the man's surprise the boy didn't run.  With tears streaming down his face he begged the angry man to help him with his brother who had fallen out of his wheel chair and the boy wasn't strong enough to get him back up.  The man helped straighten things out and sent the boys on their way.  He took the brick and put it on his mantle at home to remind himself not to get so busy going some place that it takes a brick to get his attention to serve others. 

Bricks are tossed for a variety of reason most unlike this story are tossed out of carelessness, cruelty, indifference, unreasonable expectations. What we do with them is what paves the way for a new road or block ourselves in with high walls?  The bricks are there.  Stumbling blocks are similar, do we knock them down to help build our road or sit by the side waiting for someone else to clear the way. 

The road best traveled was a story I heard years ago.  I tried to find a copy but all google could find was travel sights....silly google and Yahoo isn't any better. 

A king declared that a great road would be built between the cities.  After many months of difficult work the road was to be opened.  The king declared that the person that traveled the road best would receive a great reward.  On the day the road open, opulent carriages loaded with lovely ladies and riders on their fastest horses rushed forward onto the road.  Each choosing their idea of 'best'.  Was the best the fastest?  The prettiest?  The most expensive?  On and on through the day people thronged the road.  At the end, many complained about the pile of garbage that blocked the way requiring many to get muddy trying to pick their way around the mess.  Late into the evening people kept coming and the king kept shaking his head declaring each one had not traveled the road best.  Finally, a tiny old man pushing his wheelbarrow with a strange sack in it approached the king's porch.   "Your majesty, " the little man addressed the great king.  "My deepest apologies for being late but there was a terrible mess in the road, it took hours for me to clear it with all the people jostling by.  Underneath the mess I found this bag of gold.  I thought perhaps the bag belonged to you."  The king smiled his pleasure.  "My good man," he replied, "You traveled the road the best.  The bag of gold you found is now yours.  May it bring you great comfort after you labor of clearing the road so others could travel safely." 

Am I traveling the road the best?  Am I taking the bricks to build roads and bridges?  Do I need a brick tossed at me to remind me to be aware of others? 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Road blocks

Driving along and you come on upon a road block....bummer.  No way around and have to sit and wait.  Construction on a narrow road with no other roads around, you wait.  Feel irritated and wait.  Mumble curses and wait some more. 

Finally you are privileged to follow some slow moving vehicle creeping past the workers.  You sense freedom.  Woohoo on the road again.

You drive a few miles down the road and another backup of vehicles.  What now?  More construction?  You wait over an hour?  Really?  What can be the freaking hold up?  The road curves so there is no visible reason why we are waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting?  Are you kidding me?  We only have 3 precious days to see Yellowstone and we are sitting in our car staring at the same trees f o r e v e r!!!!!!!!!!!! Can we get a move on. 

Still waiting

Waited even longer

Feeling totally out of sorts and bent out of shape into an unrecognizable blob of frustration.....

We finally creep forward then wait some more.  5 miles an hour we are really moving now.....(Read that line dripping in sarcasm.) 

Then we round the bend, then stare in awe so see what the hold up was....what road hog was taking up all our time?

A herd of buffalo.

Bison on the Move.....slowly

Road side cafe

All frustration evaporated.  I was suddenly filled with enthusiasm and took pictures as fast as I could.  It was amazing.  I quit counting at 20.  I was too busy taking pictures to finish the count. 

I hope to see buffalo on the trip and amazing things happen for those that wait.  I'm glad we didn't turn around to go back the other way.  Interesting how after knowing the reason, frustration disappeared.  Reasons do make a difference. 

Monday, August 10, 2015

Thanks fellow bloggers

Thanks to fellow bloggers that share their stories, their perspectives, and their challenges.  They inspire me, encourage me and sometimes write about the same thing I am working through.  Several articles this week helped me work through what I am struggling with right now.  Their perspective helped me to clarify my own challenges.  I feel renewed and encouraged.  Interesting that one of the things I did to cope these past few weeks was stop reading blogs.  The reality, I should have read more of them.  Thank you to those that are sharing their journeys. 


Ever had the most brilliant ideas and then sit down to write them and they go Pttth.....a flat tire and a flat brain have similarities.  This is the beginning of a new week....the dreaded Monday.  I am fascinated that Monday can be so difficult.  I think part of the issue for me is a busy weekend and getting back to my work week is a change of rhythm.  I seem to miss a beat on Monday.

This past week was trying for several different reasons.  Each year, I like to have a motto for the year to work towards.  Originally, before school started, I chose, "Enjoy the second mile."  This is a reference to Christ telling the Jews that if a Roman soldier demands you to carry his armor for a mile (which by law he could do) instead of one mile walk with him two miles.  Then this week happened.  I am learning a whole new level of flexibility.  I looked for a suitable flexibility quote.  Thanks Yahoo, I found from the following-

Blessed are the flexible, 

for they will not be bent out of shape.

There is my motto....I can be flexible so I am not bent out of shape.   I will look for ways to cope with whiplash changes.  I will also explore when boundaries are appropriate on the job.  I was dubbed difficult at one job because of my inability to be flexible.  When your life is one massive change after another, I cherish sameness.  I eat the same breakfast 5 out of 7 mornings.  I can eat the same thing for lunch and dinner.  I get desperate for stability and mistake rigidness for stability.  Bend in the wind is healthy as long as I keep myself rooted to the ground.  So my new motto for the school year is official:

I can be flexible so 
I am not bent out of shape.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Blue Roses

Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I offered
to go to the store for her to get some needed items, which included light
bulbs, paper towels, trash bags, detergent and Clorox. So off I went.
I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the
checkout counter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who
appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently
waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his
hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over
It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he
turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes
widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's
your name?"
"My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly.
"Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but my name
is Steve."
"Steve, like Stevarino?" he asked. "Yes," I answered. "How old are you
"How old am I now, Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over
from the next aisle.
"You're fifteen-years-old Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass
I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes
about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with
excitement, because he was the center of someone's attention. He then walked off
to the toy isle.
Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the
time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look
at him, much less talk to him.
I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no
idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I
told her that there are plenty of red, yellow, and pink roses in God's
Garden; however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated for
their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a Blue Rose and if
someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that
rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.
She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, "Who
are you?"
Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a dandelion, but I sure
love living in God's garden."
She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "God bless you!" and then I
had tears in my eyes.
May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, don't turn your head and
walk off. Take the time to smile and say Hello. Why? Because, by the grace
of GOD, this mother or father could be you. This could be your child,
grandchild, niece or nephew. What a difference a moment can mean to that
person or their family.
From an old dandelion! Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the rest to God.

If this story blesses you today please consider sharing it with others.
"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did , but
people will never forget how you made them feel."

Thank you to my friend that shared this.  A simple conversation can mean the world to someone. 

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Ups and downs

I just finished the first week of school.  I am learning a lot about flexibility.  Almost everyday things look a little different or sometimes a lot different about my job.  Today I was reminded why I do this.  A student was talking to the teacher about maybe not being in fashion since her taste in clothing she considered different than 'normal'.  Both the teacher and I assured her that we like different and I quipped normal is a setting on a drier.  I needed the reminder myself.  I am trying to fit someone else's idea of normal.  I get all stressed out.  My first motto for the school year was 'enjoy the second mile.'  I think I may change that theme to "Courage to be myself."  I am a little different.  I need to allow that difference to shine through and enjoy who I am.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Excuses, Excuses

Have you heard that?  Have you done it?  Have you run and spewed excuse after excuse?  

From my friends Mirriam and Webster....

Full Definition of EXCUSE

transitive verb
a :  to make apology for
b :  to try to remove blame from
:  to forgive entirely or disregard as of trivial import :  regard as excusable <graciously excused his tardiness>
a :  to grant exemption or release to <was excused from jury duty>
b :  to allow to leave <excused the class>
:  to serve as excuse for :  justify <nothing can excuse such neglect>
Then there is the other one Reason

Full Definition of REASON

a :  a statement offered in explanation or justification <gave reasons that were quite satisfactory>
b :  a rational ground or motive <a good reason to act soon>
c :  a sufficient ground of explanation or of logical defense; especially :  something (as a principle or law) that supports a conclusion or explains a fact <the reasons behind her client's action>
d :  the thing that makes some fact intelligible :  cause <the reason for earthquakes> <the real reason why he wanted me to stay — Graham Greene>
a (1) :  the power of comprehending, inferring, or thinking especially in orderly rational ways :  intelligence (2) :  proper exercise of the mind (3) :  sanity
b :  the sum of the intellectual powers
archaic :  treatment that affords satisfaction 
I could give you a thousand excuses why I am not writing posts this week, or explain with one reason...I'm totally stressed out.  People judge if why we don't do something is reasonable by their standard.  If they don't believe it is reasonable that it is an excuse to get out of something.  
Yahoo suggests this difference:
Reason: A legitimate explanation for whatever the subject may be.
Excuse: As others said, a balony reason for attempting to shift blame for something away from yourself ie 'not my fault'.
But who decides if my explanation is legitimate?
Yahoo's best answer:
Best Answer:  A reason is valid and usually unavoidable. An excuse is a transparent attempt to shift blame away from one's self.

"Sorry I'm late; I missed the bus"...That's an excuse because it's your own fault for missing the bus; not the bus' fault.

"Sorry I'm late; the bus broke down."...That's a reason because the mechanics of the bus are outside of your control.

Not joining someone for drinks because of an expected guest is a reason because the plan had already been made.

Not going to Vegas because "need to catch up at home"...That could go either way. After 3 weeks away it's probably a pretty good reason. On the other hand, if you REALLY wanted to go to Vegas then you'd do the home stuff later; so it's kind of an excuse. Even if a valid excuse.
Tom K · 4 years ago

I kept searching and found an article by Carolyn Hax 

What is the difference between a reason and an excuse?

What you’re hoping to accomplish by providing it, I guess. Reasons help the injured party feel better, and excuses help the culprit feel better.
 Next week will be the second week of school.  Things will get better....I'll get paid. 


Sunday, August 2, 2015

Trigger crunched a day and a night

A trigger Saturday morning took until Sunday morning around 3 AM to work through.  Before it would take days.  I still baked brownies and banana bread and washed dishes but underneath it all was this brooding caldron of raging emotions.  Reminded me of our trip to Yellowstone with all the warning signs.

Designated trails were boardwalks.  Literally.  There were places where something broke through the ground that shows how thin the Earth crust is in this area.

I tried to show how thin the Earth crusts is in this area only 2 to 3 inches or 5 to 9 cm.

Breaking through the ground could lead to severe burns from steam vents. 

Triggers are like this.  Walking on thin crust and suddenly you break through suffering hurt, rage, emotional pain, flashbacks and other unpleasantness.  Used to be I needed a counselor to help me sort out where I fell through and what do I need to repair the damage and put up another 'tread carefully' sign.  Now it just took hours into the night working through what event that day caused the break, what past event is connected with the event, and what do I need to do to get back on solid ground.  I never thought of PTSD would be like living in Yellowstone park without the boardwalks. 

The boardwalks make traveling over dangerous ground much safer.  Occasionally someone leaves behind a bit of happiness.