Friday, March 31, 2017

Change is essential

My sister wrote that Change is Inevitable, embrace it.  I reached the point of change or die.  Melodramatic?  Passed out driving yesterday.  Hitting the curb jarred me to consciousness.  Guardian angel put on the brakes.  I stopped nose to nose with the neighbors parked car.  I have to admit that allergies are kicking my butt.  Struggling on to meet obligations is not doing myself any favors.  Putting myself in the middle of a shit storm is not helpful either.  I don't have the emotional reserves to weather the out pouring of rage dished out by my mother.  I haven't seen her for 3 days and I am finally starting to balance out.  Change is essential to my survival.  I drive an hour or more a day on the freeway....passing out driving on the freeway instead of a residential street could be lethal for me or somebody else.  Sometimes with health issues, PTSD, and other challenges it really is change or die.  Sadly current statistics estimate 20-25 deaths per day because of PTSD.  Over-whelming thing for me is what do I change?  I like my job, but they are asking so much from me now.  I love karate but feel too sick to go.  I love my kids but feel unable to visit or have them over for dinner.  I love DH but I sit down to visit and fall asleep.  Not looking good for me.  One thing on my list causing the greatest distress is visiting my mother.  I think I need to reduce the number of visits for my health and well being.  Taking turns does not mean I need to go every other day.  Backing off is a healthy choice, now I need to convince my 'mean boss.'  Yup, my counselor pointed out years ago that I have this awful mean boss that expects me to go above and beyond to a ridiculous degree.  Go to work early, stay late, visit your mother everyday, clean and cook dinner that is delicious and nutritious....exercise, do this do that....yea, that nasty boss is me.  Fired her once, I can fire her again. 

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Miserable Misunderstanding

And over thinking, put me through a very tough week.  I thought DH answered a question in a way that rocked my world.  I spent all week thinking over and over and over how to handle what I thought happened.  I remembered from YEARS of counseling to not go into a discussion with an assumed end.  Share how I feel and watch what shakes out.  The conversation went sideways and upside down when I realized what DH thought I asked was totally different than what I asked.  After clarification of what he thought I said.  I put that together with his answer.....TOTALLY DIFFERENT meaning.  We ended up covering a lot of information that went a long ways to mending several misunderstandings.  I am thankful to counselors that taught me a pattern of communication of using I-statements, asking for clarification, and accepting answers that I don't expect.  Look for misunderstandings - don't simply assume the other person understood what I thought I said.  This whole communication thing is tough but with 90% of the people I know if I take time to use I-statements, express how I feel, invite feedback, and a tentative plan for a solution with an openness to accept other solutions amazing conversations can happen. 


Repeat back what I think the other person said to me.  (Feed back) Invite the other person to share what they think I said.  (Would have helped if I did this on the first conversation.)  Work in progress. 

Own how I feel.  Not the other persons fault that I feel the way I do.  By owning my feelings, I control them.  (Very cool once I figured out how that works.  Still a work in progress but old ladies can learn new ways.)

Conversations can be stickier than walking through cob webs. 

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Slippery Slope

I'm not in a good place right now.  I'm on a slippery slope but not yet in free-fall. Depression is a solution to anger which hides all my other emotions that I don't want to deal with.  I'm working at sitting with my emotions.  A technique introduced by my second counselor of staying with what I feel and allowing myself to feel it, instead of squashing my emotions with depression.  Sometimes it is easier to feel depressed then some of the other ugly emotions like rejected, used, jealousy, disappointment and a whole freaking long list of emotions that are freaking uncomfortable.  Depression is easier. 

I looked up 'sitting with your emotions' and Mr. Google sent back this link:

Time to refresh my memory on the importance of sitting with painful emotions and not brushing them aside or depressing them. 

Times like these.....Grumpy Cat appeals to me.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Changing and unchanged

I spent 10 years working with counselors to change how I function in the World.  Yet with all that work there are still parts of me that remain unchanged.  My counselors often spoke about my core.  The very essence of who I am.  My Spirit, unchanging and eternal.  I was born into a home that maintained the facade of loving bliss and harmony.  Threats, shaming, and deliberate lies maintained this front.  People still believe it.  Every once in a while I encounter a person that tells me how lucky I am to live in such a loving family.  The rage instantly rises, lately to boiling over with a single comment.  I changed so much within myself but outwardly I still do some of the same things.  Reason and thought behind the actions changed but some behaviors remain the same.  I question myself, "Did I actually change? So much remains the same."  Refer back to my core.  It didn't change.  Finding that core and honoring my values, that changed.  I learned at my father's knee, 'Peace at all cost.'  By my teen years, I knew that would cost me everything, my values, my honor, my very soul must be compromised when seeking 'peace at all cost.' A chameleon hides itself by blending into it's surrounding.  One is never quite sure the actual color of a chameleon the change is almost instantaneous.  It adapts, always. Try to confuse a chameleon with a multicolored surface, no problem it will adapt to that too.  Stopping adapting necessitated figuring out what are my values, what is honor, and who am I.  That changed.  I don't adapt quite so easily.  People that were accustomed to pushing me around call me mean and unreasonable since I no longer do their bidding.  I found my backbone.  I chose my color.  Counseling taught me to live, a human being with rights and privileges of living.  Took 10 years to scrub away layers of garbage to find my soul.  That changed everything.   

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Catching Up

So hard to do.  People point out that if I kept up in the first play I wouldn't need to catch up.  I smile because I know this comment comes from a place of ignorance.  A person that experienced that knocked down flatter than a pancake feeling understands that after a time of complete chaos you finally get your breath and catch up takes a bit of time.  I also learned about let go and my favorite MIND OVER MATTER....Yup:

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  

Truly this works.  I was sitting in the living room.  My kitchen sink was over flowing with dishes.  My DH asked how I could just sit there knowing all those dishes needed washing.  I smiled serenely.  I knew if I stood up to attempt to do any of the dishes I would pass out.  I didn't mind the dishes sitting their quietly.  They weren't being rude.  They weren't leaping off the counter.  They were minding their own business and I figured we would all be happier if I just let things be.  I didn't mind, so it didn't matter. 

Thank God For Dirty Dishes

Author Unknown
Thank God for dirty dishes;
They have a tale to tell.
While others may go hungry,
We're eating very well
With home, health, and happiness,
I shouldn't want to fuss;
By the stack of evidence,
God's been very good to us.

I am now blessed with a House Elf that blesses me by helping me with dishes.  I am thankful and feel loved.  Thanks.  

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Burning bridges

There are some bridges that once you cross, they need to be burned.  This prevents one from going back to that same place.  I remember a photography student I worked with years ago.  When he worked on a piece he never saved versions.  He made one image made changes until he was satisfied.  I asked him why he didn't save something to go back to in case something didn't work out.  He shook his head.  He declared, "Life is like a river ever moving onward never back."  So many times people are told not to burn their bridges.  Save the past, no matter how rotten.  Save the relationship, no matter how abusive.  Sometimes the bridge needs to be burnt. 

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Shared Beauty

I love my Facebook friends.  They share beauty, music, and lots of good stuff.  Thank you.

Michael shared this.  He had a heart attack last month so his photography was curtailed.  He shared beautiful music instead.  I enjoyed it so much and found links to many other beautiful videos.