Thursday, April 28, 2016

Self indulgence

is not self-care.  My body is objecting to months of neglect.  I indulged in sweets and games but not self-care.  Flylady would claim that my inner-child took over my life and is squandering time and health.  One cool thing I learned was that sewing does not cause my legs to swell, sitting for long periods of time does. Sadly, I come home so exhausted from work I have little energy to do anything but sit.  I collapse into a chair and often can move until 3 or 4 hours later, sometimes, not even then.  Another cool thing I learned is I can choose healthy choices when still depressed.  I am using depression to help me feel calm when I am seething inside.  Times like this, I wish I was still in counseling and could dump all my puzzle pieces on the floor, talking non-stop until toward the end my counselor would help me pick through the rubble to work on a small piece of the mass mess. 

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Amazing women

Corrie Ten Boom and her sister Betsy are two amazing women.  Corrie wrote and shared the faith and challenges in The Hiding Place and Tramp for the Lord

Down loadable book

I follow the group that honors her name and shares quotes on Facebook.

Corrie Ten Boom

"When we are powerless to do a thing, it is a great joy that we can come and step inside the ability of Jesus."-Corrie ten Boom

‪#‎HeISable‬ ‪#‎TrustHim‬ ‪#‎NoFear‬

I learned so much from reading these two books.   

Free Art Books

I love art.  Free art books is worth sharing the link.....


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Back to Basics

Reviewing the year in preparation for sharing my progress (or lack of) with my counselor.  Dynamic crazy year.  I experienced several bouts of illness that creamed me at crucial times when I wanted to be somewhere else.  I couldn't visit the sick and share I don't know what type of germ plaguing me.  I weathered finding out a friend wasn't a friend.  I felt sad.  Real sad.  I lost two things my belief in myself knowing what a friend is and the imaginary friend.  Not a total loss, I enjoyed time with the person but realize there were clues I ignored in my desire for friendship.  I am doing things that I wouldn't believe I could do 3 years ago.  I am growing in directions I didn't expect.  Then my legs start to swell.  Pain increases until I have to quit Karate for a couple of weeks.  DH exclaims this is worse then it isn't.  I went through this multiple times.  One time the doctor checked for blood clots....nope. Try support hose....knees swelled so much I couldn't get my blue jeans off.  Epic fail.  This time I wasn't sewing.  I stopped sewing for over a year because I thought that caused the swelling last time.  I am learning that it is a combination of events - high stress, poor eating, sitting long periods of time.  Back to basics.  Move regularly during work sessions at the computer or sewing or any other sitting project.  Remember I control every bite that goes into my mouth.  Stress....well I quit everything except my job for a couple of weeks.  Back to setting boundaries.  Back to paying attention to what I eat and how much.  Back to recognizing I can't fix the world, I can only change me.  Back to basics, back to me. 

Work in progress

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Back again

I experience severe swelling in my legs every 3 to 5 years.  It will stay for a couple of months then goes away to give me a break again.  I thought that the last round was caused by I stopped sewing.  Now, it is back.  I realize because of the situation I am in....the actual cause may be long times of sitting.  That's it.  I am going back to mild exercise.  Build up my time to do that and monitor the things I know that can cause extra water retention.  On other rounds, I was tested for blood clots....none.  Heart problems....none.  Tried support hose....disaster.  I am actually relieved to know that I can go back to sewing as long as I take frequent breaks.  One of the things I do that is counter productive, when I get overwhelmed, I quit exercising, not a healthy choice.  Back on the elliptical, easy on the knees and safer than walking out in 90 degree F weather.  Yup we are headed towards triple digit weather already.  I'm bummed.  The older I get the harder it is for me to tolerate the heat.  Learning, listening to my body, and readjusting my behavior.

Thursday, April 14, 2016


Or Bring it on. 

My first counselor told me his goal was to get me to the point that I could say, "Bring it on."
I doubted him....A LOT.  I didn't believe that I would reach that point.  I melted down.  Collapsed inward....any number of other things that clearly indicated I was on the run, trying to run from my problems as they clanked and rattled behind me.  Today was different.  Several problems slammed at once.  I thought through each situation.  I allowed others to do their part to solve the problem.  I also set appropriate bounders when someone brought up a suggestion that would create more problems than it would solve.  However, I pay a heavy price for bending and molding and reshaping to the challenges of the day.  I came home and collapsed on the couch unable to attend karate.  Not good.  I need to balance my ability to try to solve every problem with the understanding that I have limited resources. I made through a trying day and enjoyed the parts that worked and buckled down tackling the problems I faced when things didn't work.   Mixed day....praying for those that need them today. 

Resilience is the ability to keep your head above water during turbulence. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Follow up on eating crow

I apologized to a student that I was badgering because I was frustrated by his attitude.  I backed off and rethought what was best for the student.  I proposed a plan of action to the student which happened to dove tail with concerns by other teachers.  I am working hard at remembering that I get paid the same whether a student passes or fails.  Reaching the student is about the student not me.  School still drains me until I feel so worn out I hardly function when I get home.  I am writing less, reading less, exercising less since all my energy is poured into school.  I am working at resetting boundaries that I let down in the need to try to be a wonderful teacher instead of just being me.  Not so wonderful but a lot easier to get along with because anxiety goes down. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

Takes time

Healing takes time and effort.  If I just sit back and wait for healing to occur because many years have passed, I will be disappointed that nothing happens.  Change is a verb....action word.  Effort needs to occur change.  Sometimes I believe it will be automatic like the World turning from night to day.  Or the seasons change with no effort on my part.  For myself, I am the one that has to do the work to make the change.  Hard right now.  Sometimes I don't feel like changing. 

My sister posted a link on her page.

I took the time to read it too.  She was right - Good stuff.

My years in counseling taught me to change my life I must first change my thinking. 

Flylady says the same thing.

I have books on changing thinking yet I am stubborn as can be about taking steps to change my life for the better.  A changed so much from the beginning of my journey over 20 years ago.  I first hit rock bottom then decided I didn't want to stay there.  Baby steps, stumbling forward, falling flat on my face all headed me away from where I was.  Many times I had no clue where I was headed only walking forward away from where I was.  Change takes time and effort. 

Where do you want to go from here?

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Copyrights information

I'm sharing what I learned from the school district where I work.  I don't think what they wrote is copyrighted.  I suppose it would be ironic to post a copyrighted document on not infringing on copyrights.  I was starting to share things I found on Facebook because I thought it was OK.  Now I need to rethink about what I do with this.  Most of the pictures on this website are my own pictures.  Please do not distribute my pictures as your own pictures.  Giving me credit and linking back to my site is acceptable to me.  If I do have a picture or article on here somewhere, please, let me know I will remove it.  I mostly link my commentary to the other person's website.  Still learning as I go. 

Copyright Infringement on ***** Website

The District has recently received several violation notices for copyright infringement on our website. As this is a serious issue, and the District is being billed for usage fees incurred, we felt it was important to notify all employees about potential issues that could be present on anyone’s website. Some areas where we have seen copyright infringements on our website:
·         Using a photo or image, most likely found from a Google image search, on a website.
·         Taking a photograph of a copyrighted image, cartoon or document and posting it on a website.
·         Posting copyrighted materials on a website.

Common Myths About Copyright
MYTH 1: "Royalty-Free" images are free to use. In reality, they are only free to use without royalty fees after you have paid a fee to use them.
MYTH 2: Images without a copyright symbol or watermark are free to use. Copyright law does not require that a symbol be placed on property in order to protect it.
MYTH 3: Teachers/Schools can use anything, even copyrighted materials, under “Educational Fair Use” law. There are still many restrictions in place for this. Make sure you fully understand them before you assume your use of something is covered.
MYTH 4: As long you note the source, it is ok to use freely. While you might think you are safe doing this, you still do not have permission to use or distribute the photo or copyrighted material, and can still be charged a fee. This includes images with watermarked logos on them.
MYTH 5: If I edit it or only use a portion of the original work I don’t need permission. Copyright grants the owner exclusive control over changes to their work.
MYTH 6: If it’s on the internet, it is free to use. Much of the content on the internet is copyrighted. Search engines just make it more difficult to find that information since you can view content without going to the original source.
MYTH 7: Images found in a Google image search are free to use. Google is simply a search engine that helps you locate content, but is not a content depository.  Any content located through a Google search should be researched to see if it is in the public domain and does not require permission to use. If you cannot find the information then assume you cannot use it without penalty.
MYTH 8: If I use a photo and get a violation notice, I can plead ignorance and remove the image without penalty. Simply removing copyrighted materials does not eliminate the fee. You have already used the content and are still liable for the fee.
MYTH 9: My district has purchased the rights to use copyrighted materials in my curriculum, so I can legally post those resources online for my students to access. Posting copyrighted materials on a website constitutes “distribution” and is not legal, since people who have not purchased the materials can now access it without paying the owner.

What Steps Can I Take to Ensure I do not Misuse Copyrighted Materials?
·         Only use images and materials that you created yourself, you have received permission to use and/or distribute, or have purchased from a stock photo site.
·         Assume that all online images and published materials are protected by copyright. Unless you know where it came from, and what rights go along with it, don’t use it!
·         Don’t assume that since you are a teacher or work for an educational institution that you are covered under Educational Fair Use.
·         Only use images that are found through a search engine with the appropriate filters by license or usage rights in place (instructions for doing this are below).
·         Don’t post copyrighted curriculum materials on your website. Posting them on the website constitutes “distribution” and is not legal.
·         If you need to make copyrighted resources available to your students or a group of teachers, and you have the rights to use them in this limited way, with this limited group, you must require a website login to access that page or file, so that the general public will not have access to it. Our website management system, ************, allows you to set viewer access to various parts of your webpage. See your school website manager for assistance.

How Can I Find Images That Are Legal and Free to Use on My Own Website?
Several popular search engines allow you to filter image searches by usage rights so you can find images that are safe and free to use.

·         Go to
·         Enter the keyword(s) of what you are looking for.
·         Select “Images” just under the search bar at the top of the page.
·         Click on the “Search Tools” button under the search bar.
·         Click on the “Usage Rights” dropdown and select the appropriate option other than “not filtered by license”.
·         Go to
·         Enter the keyword(s) of what you are looking for in the search box.
·         Once your search has pulled up results, some filtering options show up underneath the search bar.  Click on the one that says “License” and then select the appropriate option under that. Selecting anything but the “all” option should give you graphics that are safe to use, and in some cases modify as well. - A safe, free image library for education. Teachers and students can use the copyright-friendly photos & images for classrooms, multimedia projects, websites, videos, portfolios, or any projects in an educational setting. - A repository of free images, videos, sounds and other multimedia files.

I deleted out identifying words to your school district.  

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Apology accepted

Today worked out wonderfully.  I appreciate my sister commenting yesterday that I pushed but didn't bully.  (However, I can go all drill Sargent, I work hard not to.) It just so happened that the lesson on boundaries the other teacher and I had for the students happened today.  It gave me great ground work for talking to the student.  I apologized for pushing his emotional boundaries and thankfully he accepted my apology.  Interesting thing for me was I didn't feel a lingering shame that I made a mistake.  I acknowledged what I did and suggested a plan to solve future issues.  Sweetly my sister reminded me that it is my job as a teacher to nudge a student into new territory.  I am glad that I made this correction.  I am also glad that school is only 7 more weeks and I am sincerely thankful I never became a teacher. 

The experience is so draining.  By the time I am done with the school day, I don't want to do anything but play computer games.  My house fairy is helping with my dishes.  The rest of the house is neglected.  I am learning that others shut down like I do when tough stuff comes into the discussion.  The other teacher helped the students define a boundary I shared how to build boundaries.  Interesting that I finally learned that boundaries start with knowing what is mine.  Next building on that what belongs to you is not mine for the taking.  Boundaries is the stuff that toddlers seem to know by instinct.  It gets pounded out of them later.  So I am feeling a little less out of sorts.  I am thankful that I am finding a way to reach and teach some of the students.  Other students are putting in their time with no intention to learning anything.  I love working at a school where students will open doors for me, offer to help, and generally create an atmosphere of lets work together.  Security like our school since it is the closest thing to retiring and still get a pay check.  This is starting to sound like one of those it's-a-good-thing/it's-a-bad-thing.  I don't think I am to the point of feeling like I am enjoying teaching but I am to the point that I figure I can get through the school year. 

Eating Crow

Easier done while still warm.  Today I realized that in my enthusiasm to 'DO' a good job at school, I am pushing one of the students hard enough that he feels like I am the bully.  Damn.  I pondered how this came to be and realized he was right.  I was focused on results instead of on the kid.  Deep breath.  Students are more important than results.  They deserve my encouragement but not my condemnation.  Tricky thing to do with teenagers. 

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Over worked

And over whelmed....there is a reason I am the teacher assistant and not the teacher.  I am exhausted but can't sleep.  Each morning is a challenge to simply wake up, I don't want to.  My shopping cart bares the evidence of sugar diet demands to feed the need to comfort, sadly not enough sugar in the store to dull my anxiety.  I'm not doing very well at all.  I'm carefully counting the days until I am out of school.  This was a tough, tough year. 

This is one of the pages I found on facebook

"We accept the love we think we deserve." ~ Stephen Chbosky

Grooming is a real, true and horrific process. Pedophiles know and target victims that will love them no matter what.They intentionally and methodically seek out specific children.They work hard at establishing chosen relationships and manipulating their victims into thinking they deserve to be treated less than what they are. It's a disgusting and disturbing reality but children often defend their abuser because in the child's mind, they are loved. 
Sexual abuse is so often about power and control. What's more powerful than convincing someone they are only worthy of love under specific conditions? That stays with a child, that message of being worthless. You spend the rest of your life trying to reclaim what you think you lost but in reality it was something that was taken from you. Innocence and the ability to develop healthy relationships with others and yourself. Reclaiming that is often far more complicated than just knowing you were taken advantage of.