Sunday, June 28, 2015

Enough already....

I am trying to learning healthier ways to take care of my body.  I loved hiking and sightseeing for these last two weeks and I am feeling a renewed enthusiasm for strengthening my body so I can continue my improvement.  Here is the hassle.  Many of these websites go on and on and on telling me I am doing it all wrong without telling me how to do things right, according to them.  I just spent 30 minutes listening to a woman ramble and ramble and ramble with no real information on how to do things differently.  The kicker, many of these are infomercials, meaning to get the answer you have to pay to get it.  Plus the information is conflicting.  One says the most important meal of the day is breakfast the next recommends skipping that meal altogether.  Or says you can have breakfast at noon.  The only way I have breakfast at noon is if I wake up at 11:30 which just doesn't happen.  Insomnia often means I can't sleep-in either.  Today, I did buy a work out program that I actually found suggested on several different websites.  Hopefully, the same person doesn't own all the websites I checked out.  I love looking things up.  When I was first married my only resource was the library with this wonderful thing called a card catalog that lead to lots of books.  Now, I'm kind of used to putting in a search request.  Look over a half a dozen pages and usually find some fairly decent information if you know how to look it up.  This is why I have a resource page for both books and web pages.  I like to share what I learned.  I have this theory, I can't possibly live long enough to make all the mistakes myself, I hope to learn from someone else and maybe get ahead of the fault line.  If I do make mistakes, I like finding information for a different way to solve a problem.  I think that is one of the benefits of counseling, I was given new information on how to look at living.  I was also blessed with counselors that gave me home work and expected me to make changes.  I joke that counseling is a bit like changing a car engine on the freeway.  Yup, just that complicated and difficult but so worth it. All the web pages on good health remind me I need to sleep.  Good night.

Good night moon. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Insomnia Sucks

I am up at 3 AM writing my blog because I can't settle enough to lay down.  Sleep is so not happening.  It sucks.  I do not know why every so often I simply can't relax enough to even consider sleeping.  I know I should.  I could give you a hundred reasons why I should, but here I am, awake. 

Insomnia Sucks.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Pushing limits

I spent a life time accepting limits that would cause me to pass out if I ignored them.  I learned brutally that one more jump could cause a complete collapse.  I learned that sitting quietly for hours on end was my only choice.  Then I started fighting back.  I started raging against the oppressive limitations.  Nothing changed.  I started doing research.  Lots of it.  I spent hours in the library on the very new intranet that connected hospital libraries.  I learned a lot of things that I didn't have and I felt very thankful.  From all my research I felt at a loss what to do with what I learned.  At church someone shared the story about the man with leprosy that was told to bath 7 times in the Jordan river.  He wasn't going to do anything so simple.  Then the servant pointed out if he was asked to do something difficult would he do it?  I started setting seven simple goals. Then I learned from to take baby steps.  Baby stepping my way back into life one tiny goal at a time.  I started my journey back to living 25 years ago.  Today I jumped up stairs 2 at a time after an hour working out stretching and pushing my body in ways I didn't believe possible.  I started seeing my limits as my new goals.  If I could only be up for 20 minutes then the next day be up for 25 minutes.  I accepted back slides and called it chacha.  Like an inch worm, I fixed my eyes on a far goal but paid attention to where I was at.  I accepted my slow creeping pace.  I made progress.  I pushed more limits.  I hiked for miles.  I traversed over 300 stairs.  My motivation was a better picture of the Yellowstone Falls.  The beauty was magnificent.  I pushed past my intense fear of metal stairs that you can see through.  I kept in mind the goal was worth the anxiety.  Too often in my quest to stay in my comfort zone I shorted myself.  But I also learned to respect my body and nurture it.  Sunscreen, water, healthy meals, and sleep made this trip an amazing adventure.  I am pushing limits and seeing how far I have come and looking forward to future possibilities.

How we got to the bottom of the falls.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015


I don't follow Twitter very often.  I happened to open one today for no particular reason but it struck me as just the thing I needed to be reminded.

Dr. Michele Borba

Shows Piglet from Winnie the Pooh sharing this thought:
"The things that make me different are the things that make Me."

On Facebook someone posed the question, "How does your mental illness make you better?" 

Lots of comments about more sensitive to beauty, more compassionate of others, more understanding, and many other things. 

I knew at age 15 that I functioned differently than most people I knew.  When I was over 40, I finally understood how different.  The diagnosis of PTSD gave me a label but didn't change who I was or how I functioned.  The internet led me to a world of people that are different just like me.  How cool is that?  Changing how I functioned did not make me less me.  Learning new skills and new ways to approach life does not lessen my me-ness.  Regaining memories that I shut away still leaves me.  My perception of me was shook to my core.  But through all the years of counseling, gaining new skills, new perspectives and new ways of functioning I am still me.  My mental illness is part of me but doesn't define me.  My childhood trauma is part of my past but also does not define me.  My memories come and go but I am still Me.  In spite of all that happened in my life, I am me. 

Nice to have a reminder from time to time. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Restorative Sleep

Hectic, hectic week led to running on adrenaline.  Works for awhile then I finally slow down....nap time.  I slept heavily for several hours.  Now, I feel refreshed.  I am making note of this because it is so unusual.  Usually when I crash and burn, I feel drugged and foggy for hours after waking up.  I'm learning the value of sleeping regularly.  When I get super wound up trying to get too many things done, I realize I need to reorder my life and pay attention to my needs.  Cloud and Townsend reminded me in their book Boundaries, one of the values of boundaries is recognizing my own needs.  I needed to sleep so I did.  Interesting that I hadn't thought about setting boundaries as a way to meet my needs by identifying them and meeting my own needs. 

Check out my picture blog to see what I've been doing lately.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Accepting Father's

Father's are flawed, all of them, so is everyone else.  I spent years in counseling talking about my enmeshed twisted relationship with my mother.  Then my counselor pointed out that my Father let it happen.  When I complained to my Father about my mother's behavior he would blow it off with, "That is just the way your mother is, you have to love her."  He failed me.  I've read enough abuse accounts that this is a mild failure, but it is me and my life.  I worked this past year on accepting this is who he is.  He showed me the consequence of living a life with an eye singled to peace at all cost.  I know from his example that it costs everything, your integrity, your compassion, your thoughts of everything accept appeasing the tyrant that is belittling, manipulating, and controlling you.  Did he teach me anything good?  Yes, he did.  Part of acceptance is separating out what was a bad influence on me and what I can freely integrate into my life.  This year I called and wished my Father a happy Father's day.  He chatted about my sister barely listening to me.  Its ok.  I feel no more ache of loss.  This is just the way he is.  I don't have to love him or hate him or anything.  I am working at accepting what he is capable of giving. 

This post is not an invitation to list every fault of every father.  I know some committed crimes that should have been punished by imprisonment.  I know that some people need to go no contact for the health and well being of themselves.  I feel deeply that loss, for it is a loss of "what should have been."

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Taking breaks

Summer time is a break for me.  I change up what I am doing.  This Summer started off so sad and I was so sick.  The sadness changed to admiration as I watch my daughter courageously tackle recovery from brain surgery.  Sickness finally left my body and I am doing things that a few years ago would never happen.  I am also taking breaks from my reading and research on PTSD.  I am still posting my PTSD research on my other page....
Splitting my attention between 3 blogs* keeps me very busy but on break I am even busier in a very cool way. I hope everyone is having a great summer. 

My picture blog is my favorite:

Friday, June 19, 2015


I admire my daughter's determination after her brain surgery.  The road to recovery is long and life changing.  Her husband is awesome.  I left them with prayers and a sense of relief to see how she was doing. 

I'm doing big stuff on my list of someday to do list.  Today, I took on a challenge that a few years ago I couldn't do.  I am seeing tremendous progress in improving my health.  I also tackled something that scared me silly but the reward for persevering was amazing. 

I am so grateful for so much. 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Full to bursting

Ever been on an adventure that is so full your brain feels like it is bursting.  Yup, this is my week.  A billion things happening and need time to process. 

Color me happy.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Going Solo

I did it.  I made the decision to cancel my counseling appointment.  I also don't plan to make another one.  The last session I reviewed what I was doing and for the third or forth time she asked, "How can I help?"  I realized I am working out my challenges myself.  I hope this continues because I love the feeling. 
Dawning of a New Era

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Unhealthy reframing

When is reframing unhealthy, if I am using it to stay in a rut or an abusive situation.  Reframing and saying their abusive behavior is "not that bad", "it could always be worse", and "I am learning to be strong in this abusive situation," are all variations on the theme "you are not worth being treated with respect."  Not healthy.  Each person deserves to be respected at home, at school, at work, at church or in the community.  If I am using reframing to keep myself locked into a disrespectful situation I need to strengthen my boundaries, another awesome tool that will get its own post.  So when a reframe a situation I need to use basic guidelines like am I being hurt in this situation?  Am I being disrespected?  Am I staying within my boundaries?  Am I nurturing myself?  If this situation happened to my friend or child, how would I view it?  My counselor pointed out to me that I was better at taking care of my friends and children than I was for caring for myself.  These are criteria that I can use to look at a situation and decide am I in an unhealthy situation.  When I reframed a time when my parents disrespected me, I said to myself, "Would my parents treat a stranger this way?"  If the answer is no, I then evaluate am I OK with how they are treating me?  Just because they always treat me a certain way doesn't mean it is OK or that they can continue.  Part of choosing healthy is rejecting abusive behavior.  Yes, I talked to my counselor many, many times to help me know what the difference was.  Reframing can be used as long as I am striving towards healthy relationships. 

Monday, June 15, 2015


I am working on Cognitive reframing.  Taking a bad situation and looking at it differently so that it sheds a different light on the situation.  The link below has 18 responses to the question of how a person used reframing.

In my experience, my counselor first had to explain to me what it was.  My understanding it is taking any situation and look at it differently.  Childhood memories, review them with an adult perspective.  Negative events look for the silver lining or how the situation will benefit me.  These were some of the examples my counselor suggested.

I needed to practice.  I didn't do very well at first.  My thoughts tend to chase themselves around and around and around.  Redirecting them in a new direction takes practice.  I would spend many sessions reviewing with my counselor how to reframe a situation to see events in a more positive light.  I also read other peoples ideas about reframing.  Betsy Ten Boom instructed Corrie to thank God for the fleas.  Corrie balked at the thought of thanking God for the fleas that made their lives miserable.  However, it was because of the fleas that the prison guards stayed out of their barracks and they had their prayer meetings.  There are many stories of people changing their perspective and changing their attitude.  What is truly amazing to me is reframing can be used any time any where and I am totally in control of my reaction and thoughts to any situation.  It is that big.

It also has some limitations in my perspective.  Reframing does not remove consequences from choices.  Reframing does not make abuse OK.  Reframing is for my benefit but used in an unhealthy way it may keep me in a situation that I should fight not accept.  Try it out.  I would be interested in how others use reframing that works for them. 

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Thanks Judy

My sister shared this video.  I felt it was perfect to share on Sunday.

6 minutes long.  I enjoyed it, I hope you do too.

Plotting, planning,

Totally missing.  One of the challenges I face is planning out complete conversations in my head.  The draw back?  People almost never say what I think they will say.  The conversation goes side ways and I have to rethink the situation.  Sometimes processing the information will take days or weeks.  Working things out on the fly just doesn't happen for me.  I wish my brain functions differently, it doesn't.  I think I am going to write a book sometimes just so I can put some of these awesome conversations into someone's mouth.  Murder mystery would allow my more gruesome conversations see the light of day without throwing me in jail.  Working at being present in the moment. 

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Embrace the suck

I have referred to this from time to time.  This concept is shared on Team Froglogic page.  I was introduced to this web page by my sister, Judy.  She talked about it so enthusiastically I wanted to check it out.  The man intimidates me.   I've watched his videos.  He is dynamic....he is powerful...he lives what he preaches.

Check it out for yourself.

I like what I read every time I go to his website.  However, I sometimes don't go when I am already feeling overwhelmed, challenging myself when I feel like I am already pushed to the max is a recipe for disaster that I have done more than once.  I pass out.  I get in visit to the hospital style.  I pushed to get where I am today.  I pushed through fears and frustrations.  My first counselor was willing to work with me for 7 years because I worked so hard.  I kept tackling each problem until I finally figured out what works for me.  I don't say this to put anyone else down.  I'm just saying it can be done.  I spent 3 years in bed.  It sucks.  I finally decided to fight back.  I've inched along until I am doing 100 times what I used to do.  Which is kind of like saying 100 X 0.01 that brings me up to 1.  Every once in awhile I remind myself that playing catch up is OK.  Eventually, I do catch up.   Part of my journey includes taking on challenges described by Froglogic....Embrace the suck.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Time puzzle

I marked a webpage and thought it over.  Do I share too much?  Do I sound like a whiner?

How to manage your time?  A favorite topic in this rush-rush, busy-busy world.  It is also a hot trigger for me.  I fully understand that no matter who you are rich or poor, young or old, sick or healthy we all get the same 24 hours.  Day Light Saving time is a useless exercise of cutting one hour off one end of the day and putting it at the other.  TaDa....there are still 24 hours in the day. 

So why my angst over time.  For one, my narcissistic mother worshiped time on the level that was down right scary.  She read books on it and set a timer for us to get jobs done.  Not only would we be punished if we forgot a chore, we would be punished if we didn't do it fast enough and to adult standards.  I still watch her insane obsession of multitasking not wanting to waste a moment so she won't sit down and talk to a visitor.  She brings one task to an activity so that she doesn't waste those moments with small talk.  I understand better now that she used business as a way to control her world and anyone that ventured near her.  Being that I was her child, a double-triple dose was offered up. ....I can hear the whisper of my inner critic, stop whining and get back to work.

Mother would chant:
If you got too much to do
And you don't know where to start,
Don't be a dumb thing,
Start something.

Yea, I was the dumb thing staring off into trouble again.  Please, understand a bit of my the time I was 5 years old, I already mastered dissociation.  I needed to, it was the ultimate survival tool.  Time was not continuous for me.  Bad things would start to happen and then they would get worse and then I was at the beach walking along with my feet in the water and time was gone.  When I would return it could be hours or days later.  I didn't know.  I always lived with these huge gaps of time.  I might see my mother set the timer but I would be oblivious if it rang.  (By the way, this causes serious problems in cooking.  Yes, I burnt plenty of meals.  Smoke alarms let me know I forgot again that I was cooking something.)  One of the biggest puzzle pieces was where did the time go?  Until I was in counseling in my 40's I didn't understand what happened.  I didn't know about the blackouts that lasted for days.  I didn't realize that driving from work to home someone else took over my life.  I didn't have a clue that I could keep track of an entire half hour and know what happened to it.  Integration brought me the wonders of time.  But I have all these unhealthy associations to time.  So I read articles about time, hoping to find someone that explain this weird thing called time in a nonthreatening, unemotional, informational how to use time wisely.   By the way, the best thing in the world sometimes is sitting next to someone chatting about nothing consequential just letting them know that they have value and worth by existing and you want to spend time with them.  In all my mothers 80 odd years (and some of those years are very odd) she has yet to understand the value of sitting quietly without trying to frantically stuff more activities into the minutes of a day.  So I found an article that I think fits the criteria of nonthreatening, unemotional, and fairly informational about a system that might just help me a bit.  I hope you enjoy it.

Interesting to me, as I was planning out this post I read a friends blog giving a very different view of busy time.  I am really happy for her that she is involved in a busy project.  She also helped me with understanding my energy limitations when trying to stuff more in a day.  Follow her spoons link near the bottom of her post to find a very interesting post on energy limits. 
Thanks TheInvisibleShadow. 

Busy time....can bring joy.

Just 24 hours in a day

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Life is good and ugly and happy and sad

There is a time and a season......

Ecclesiastes 3:2-8King James Version (KJV)

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
What gets really tough is when everything seems to slam into each other all at once.  The past few days I enjoyed being grandma spending time with grandkids and giving parents breaks.  Some of the grandkids are getting old enough to do stuff like sewing, paper mache, and other projects.  Time at the park and eating pizza just seem the right thing to do.  However, others live far away and I feel helpless and unable to help.  I'm enjoying crocheting again.  It was a church project that kind of rekindled something I did before.  I discovered I enjoy smaller projects.  Being myself, I didn't allow myself to stick to small projects, one of the first projects I did was a king size bed cover.  Now, I am delighting in dish clothes and edging blankets.  I feel sad that I beat myself up over that first project.  I am learning to lessen my expectations to increase my enjoyment.  Not everything has to be the biggest and the best.  Sometimes small and mediocre serves the purpose better. 

Monday, June 8, 2015

I've been sick

I didn't think it was all that bad until I realized I lost a week in the quasi nothingness of neither being asleep or awake.  Fuzzy brained and exhausted ruled my week.  This morning is the first time in over a week that I woke up feeling....oh yea I have a billion things to do lets start NOW.  I'm relieved to know that illness of this nature does end.  The other thing I've thought about is this week I bought some books from the local Goodwill.  I can buy a bunch of books for $20.  One of the books I bought is on dealing with difficult people.  I can't tell you how humbling it was when I went to marriage counseling with my husband and found out I was the biggest problem in our marriage.  More accurately my PTSD was disrupting any hope of improving my relationships until I became aware of how I was functioning and do a major structural overhaul in my life.  Best way to describe this is to attempt to change your engine while driving down the freeway.  It doesn't go well.  Now, I read these books about dealing with difficult people I ask myself, am I the one being difficult or am I accused of being difficult because I set healthy boundaries?  Yep, I learned that when a person starts to have healthy boundaries, say no appropriately, refuse to play the scapegoat role, and change how they function others, aka abusers, declare the person is being difficult.  Often in hopes of bullying them back into their doormat position.  So I study books about working with difficult people to learn about human relationships.  As I nurture myself, validate my ideas, and continue to change myself, I gain strength and hope for my future.  Lately, I've read several blogs and Facebook memes that seem to imply that PTSD is the end of the world, not my fault and will be a victim forever.  I like the way my sister said it, "PTSD is not a “period” or “exclamation point” in my life; it’s a “semicolon.”" The poster on this blog is a quote from Gunny Highway, "You adapt.  You overcome.  You improvise."  Studied change makes a world of difference when you know what healthy looks like and head in that direction.

Tricky changing an engine while driving down the freeway. 

Friday, June 5, 2015

Continuing changes

This is a continuing journey through the Maladaptave Schema and what I can do about each one.  All of them are part of my life but none of them are permanent.  Raising my own awareness of what there are and counteracting with skills taught by my counselors. 

15. NEGATIVITY  /  PESSIMISM  –      A pervasive, lifelong focus on the negative aspects of life (pain, death, loss, disappointment, conflict, guilt, resentment, unsolved problems, potential mistakes, betrayal, things that could go wrong, etc.) while minimizing or neglecting the positive or optimistic aspects. Usually includes an exaggerated expectation– in a wide range of work, financial, or interpersonal situations — that things will eventually go seriously wrong, or that aspects of one’s life that seem to be going well will ultimately fall apart 

When bad things are happening, ignoring their existence serves no real good purpose.Crap happens but inviting all the world's crap into my home by watching the news and reading the newspaper didn't help.  I stopped taking the paper.  I still keep up on general news from several sources but I remind myself that misery sells.  Developing an attitude of gratitude goes a long way to balancing things up a bit.  I love Corrie TenBooms book The Hiding Place.  Her sister Betsy tells her they need to be grateful for all things.  Corrie objected over feeling grateful for the fleas.  Later on they learn that the guards allowed them to do what they wanted in the barracks because they refused to come in with the fleas.  The little biters were the blessing of peace from the guards.  To me gratitude is more than finding silver linings around dark clouds.  For me it is recognizing the trials in my life as something positive.  The black threads in the rugs are as needed as the light ones in creating a design.

This rug shows the value of having dark times and light times.  When we refuse to acknowledge the dark times we loose part of the picture as much as if we don't see the good times.  Every life is made up of a mixture of good and bad, light and dark, happy and sad.  I learned to appreciate the wide variety and richness of life.  Daily prayers of thanksgiving help me see the good things in my life.

16.  EMOTIONAL INHIBITION  –      The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication — usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one’s impulses.

Wow this one was a biggy for me.  My mother felt she was very emotional and didn't feel she could control it so she controlled my sister and I.  If we were 'excessively' happy, she would immediately tell us of some tragedy.  Then after we were sufficiently subdued she would then 'cheer' us up and chastise for our lack of gratitude.  I controlled all my emotions so carefully I could no longer feel them.  I lost the ability to connect between the emotion and the event.  Reconnecting my emotions was a long painful process but it was like moving from a black and white TV to one in color.  Emotions are what give life color.  I unfortunately passed on this over controlling emotions to my children.  Fortunately, most of them rebelled and decided for them selves that emotions were the richness of life.  I am still working on reducing feelings of shame but it is easier and easier for me to embrace the emotions of the moment.  I appreciate all three of my counselors reminding me to sit with my emotions.  Giving myself permission to feel what I feel then deciding what I do about the emotion.  On occasion someone has tried to convince me that some emotions are good and others are bad.  I rejected this idea because I lived without them for a good portion of my life.  Anger is sometimes the motivation I need to change a situation.  Grieving is appropriate when I recognize a loss in my life.  Guilt is appropriate I did something to hurt someone else.  It is a gentle self rebuke to remind me to apologize and work on a healthier relationship.  Allowing emotions to run the show.....yea not such a good idea.  I am a big believer of emotions being part of things considered but not the only consideration.

17.  UNRELENTING STANDARDS /  HYPERCRITICALNESS   –     The underlying belief that one must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and performance, usually to avoid criticism. Typically results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down; and in hypercriticalness toward oneself and others.  Unrelenting standards typically present as:  (a) perfectionism, inordinate attention to detail, or an underestimate of how good one’s own performance is relative to the norm;  (b) rigid rules and “shoulds” in many areas of life, including unrealistically high moral, ethical, cultural, or religious precepts; or (c) preoccupation with time and efficiency, so that more can be accomplished.

This is when my first counselor recommended I fire my mean boss. I was puzzled at first what he was talking about. He said you know the one....the one that expects you to arrive 15 minutes early. Stay a half hour late. Expecting me to work even when I am sick.  The unrelenting pressure to do things better than the best.  Took me a few seconds to realize that he was talking about me.  I am my own worse boss.  I learned well from the worse.  I am recognizing that this constant belittling of my own efforts only discourages me and leaves me feeling more tired than ever.  Being sick this summer has really slowed me down.  All the stuff I planned to do isn't happening.  I am taking a step back to look at where I am and what are the most important things to do.  I would rather be playing with grandkids but if this is actually contagious I don't want to expose them to my misery.  Slow down, enjoy life, get well are my circling mantra this summer.

18.  PUNITIVENESS   –    The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.  Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant,  punitive, and impatient with those people (including oneself) who do not meet one’s expectations or standards.  Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself or others, because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with feelings.

I learned a lot about crime and punishment.  What was crazy though I would be severely punished for the slightest infraction but big screw ups were totally overlooked.  This one is an ongoing process.  I was able to have compassion for others more than I had for myself.  On more than one occasion my counselor recommended I write a letter as if I was giving advice to my children and then said, "Apply it to yourself."  Empathy, kindness, compassion all counter balance the punitive desire to punish for wrong doings.  I do believe that their should be an accounting of behavior.  I don't think shop lifters should be allowed to take whatever they like.  But this to me is not having the punishment fit the crime.  Zero tolerance at schools is a good example of what can go wrong.  Kindergartener kicked out of school for kissing a girl as sexual harassment has everyone scratching their head over the insanity.  Compassion, understanding, empathy, all go a long way to putting things back in perspective. 

I struggle with all 18 of the maladaptive schema.  However, I learned through counseling that there isn't one of them I can't change.  I can take steps of setting boundaries, learning gratitude, feeling compassion and many other adaptions that help me to change my life for the better.  I am thankful to my counselors that taught me a new way to live.  None of this is possible without effort on my part.  I needed to recognize how I thought, how I responded to others, and how I treat myself.  I needed to be willing to take the steps to make the changes in my life.  It is possible to totally change my world. 

Find the rainbows