Saturday, June 30, 2012

Cheer up

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.  Mark Twain

 Mark Twain was new age before it became popular.  :)  I often blow off those that spout out about we get back what we send out to the universe.  There is no way I am going to believe that as a child I sent out what came my way.  However, I do believe that as adults if we treat others poorly eventually someone will treat us with the same disregard.  I learned that the fastest way to cheer myself up is to spend time with someone I enjoy either in person or on the internet.  I appreciate the computer allowing me to connect with others in ways that I never dreamed possible as a kid.  

My personality is I enjoy bringing comfort to others so small acts of service bring me joy.  This week I was restricted in my activities due to a health problem connected with growing older.  By Wednesday I tried to do more stuff but just ended up hurting myself.  Fortunately a friend called me and said she needed file folder games ( cut out for a children's shelter.  I sat quietly cutting out stuff for hours and it lifted my spirit thinking about tired, scared kids having something to play with for a few minutes.  It also kept me down for a day.  I then remembered that over 20 years ago that being down all day was my life.  A family and no energy to take care of them.  Severe depression gobbled up my life yet I didn't feel sad.  My PTSD taught me to disconnect from my emotions.  Medical doctors tried to tell me I was depressed and didn't know it.  I couldn't wrap my mind how I could NOT know that I was depressed.  I now know.  What they called depression, I called an average day.  Depression set in by 15 years old.  I had highlights and with multiple personalities I could switch to one that was happy while the depression built up until it controlled my life and I had no faith in medical doctors knowing what was going on with me.  I thought I was different but not all that unusually.  When I complained when I was 15, I was assured that I was just like every other teenager.  I wasn't.  A lot has changed in 40 years.  I am thankful for the many improvements in treating people with depression and PTSD.  There is still more to learn.  I feel cheered when I hear from someone that something I said or wrote helped them a little. 

Something that I enjoy - Chihuly Glass
Imagine this one in a desert setting....

Hotel in Las Vegas 

Friday, June 29, 2012


I am one of those people that like facebook.  Partly because my friends post really cool pictures and encouraging words.  This came from one of my friends.  I don't know how she knew I needed to read this today.  Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time to repost an awesome quote.

What is courage? It's not just the ability to conquer your fears in battle; it's also mastering your insecurities, anxieties & self-doubt. Courage is believing in yourself when no-one else believes in you; it's standing up for what's right when everyone around you tells you that you're wrong; it's listening to your inner wisdom when others say that you don't know what you're talking about; it's going after what your heart desires instead of trying to avoid disappointment, & it's trusting that you can take care of yourself even when the situation you're in frightens you. Above all, courage is being able to open your heart to give & receive love, even when you've been hurt before & wonder if you'll be hurt again. Rest assured, you will be hurt again. Loss is inevitable in life. But if you have courage, you can live life to the fullest knowing that not only can you can tolerate all the challenges & difficulties ahead of you but you can learn & grow from them. Facing life head on will enrich you, provide you with greater wisdom & allow for the deepest kind of happiness & fulfillment.

Found her link to a page other than Facebook:

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm all a twitter

Yup, I did it.  I joined twitter.  Why you may ask?  Well, I have friends blogs that I would enjoy commenting on and I wanted a way to sign in.  I figured that I could have a bit of fun on the side following some of the things I like.  First hit was a
 Pictures of the Olympic Flame on its way to the Olympics.  I love photography.  :)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Research begins

"I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death." Leonardo Da Vinci

Emotional Safety falls into two categories of research, psychological and neurological.  Both can be fairly tricky to read.  Words mean one thing to me can mean something else to the researchers.  In the more technical writings, sitting next to the computer to look up words is handy.  I used to get very frustrated with the psycobabble in many of the papers then I reminded myself my ability to talk technobabble that means practically nothing except to another tech.  Each field of study has their own set of words that help them talk more precisely about what they are doing.

(Side story:  When I worked as a computer tech, I was the one that made the phone calls to get warranty work or repairs done.  Often these calls were answered by some low paid person with a book in front of them telling them what to say.  Each call I start by using simple generic terms describing the problem so I can be directed to the correct person to help me.  One such call the person listening to me talk became extremely exasperated and demanded that I put the tech on the phone.  I calmly replied, "I can put down the phone and walk out of the room but when the tech comes in you are still going to be talking to me."
He huffed, "I thought you were the secretary."
I replied, "Am I talking to a tech?"
"Well of course you are," he shot back.
"Actually, I don't know that.  Many times the first person I talk to is not a tech," I continued in the same calm voice.
I switched to tech talk and told him in highly technical terms exactly the problem I encountered.
There was a long pause...."Can you hold please, I'll connect you with an engineer."  His tone was so much politer.  I enjoyed the change from rude to almost apologetic.)

So I really do understand that when psychologist or neurologist are talking to each other, I need a dictionary.  Fortunately, some of the articles are written for people like me.  One of the articles I read considered that there are 6 areas that encompass emotional safety.  The author has her clients, couples in marriage counseling, rate each of these areas on a scale 1-10. 

1) Respect: How much do each of them feel respected by their partner? People who report low levels of respect often experience criticism or judgment from the other.

2) Feeling Heard: How much does their partner listen to them? Those who don’t feel heard complain of being ignored, tuned out or talked over by the other.

3) Understood: How much do each of them feel understood by their partner? People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration around their partner not getting them or twisting their words into an entirely different meaning.

4) Validation: How much do they each feel validated by each other? Low levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both don’t feel that their partner gets what they’re saying. Its one step beyond understanding and it doesn’t require the partner to necessarily agree with them.

5) Empathy: How much do they each feel the other can be empathetic with them? A low number on this is the most toxic of the six aspects in that a lack of empathy in a relationship means a lack of attunement to the others emotions. The partner experiencing a lack of empathy can experience a great deal of sadness or anger. “You don’t care how I feel.”

6) Love: How much do they feel loved by each other? This encapsulates and reflects the state of the previous five. Couples who report low levels of feeling loved by the other typically have low numbers in the other aspects.

I think with this expanded definition I am starting to wrap my mind around what emotional safety is on a psychological level.   I am now more curious about the neurological aspect of emotional safety.

The Zoo trainer felt safe holding this bald eagle.  I enjoyed getting the up-close pictures

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Emotional Safety

Thanks to everyone's responses to

Apparently I am not the only one that equated emotional safety with acceptance.  Whenever I am presented with a problem I don't understand, I do research.  This has come in very handy on numerous occasions.   Wow.  I found out 'Emotional Safety' is searched often enough that Google has a category for it.  I am not the only one trying to understand emotional safety.  I also found articles on toxic relationships which illustrate what it is not.  Cutting into wood I would take away the part that was not the piece I was working on.  Take away what isn't the object and you are left with what is.  So I look at both types of articles.  I learned that emotional safety can actually be measured since there is a physical response to feeling safe.  I down loaded several technical papers and bookmarked a few links to revisit.  One of the articles went so far to say "Emotional Safety: Cornerstone to healing."  The author went on to say how important touch was to the healing process and how touch brings a feeling of safety.....  Well Sh*t, damn it all to hell...... I was methodically taught that touch was not safe.  I am a very tactile person.  I go through a fabric store touching the fabric.  However, as soon as a person touches me I tense up and the last thing I feel is relaxed or safe.  Other articles explained other aspects of emotional safety and once again I feel damn it that is so not my life.  I studied further and realized more clearly the cruelty of the pedophile neighbor that taught me through brutal training to disassociate from any emotion.  I am reconnecting now but I don't feel confident or safe with my own emotions let alone anyone else's.  I am starting to really understand why KavinCoach called me an emotional moron.  The damage was so extensive in my childhood that the simplest emotions are a minefield to tiptoe through.  Boundary violations of every kind leave me with a strong opinion that people are not safe.  This is going to be far more difficult than I anticipated.  I am interested in your ideas on emotional safety.  If you don't want your comment posted, just state in the first line not to post your comment.  Thank you.

Crumbs....I am just going to curl up here for a moment.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Chance to Change

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change. ~ Jim Rohn

I am thinking a lot about change.  I am looking over the last few years and the tremendous number of changes.  I changed jobs, empty nester, more grandchildren, counselors, and more health problems.  Some of the changes I enjoy, some not so much.  I feel like my ability to feel grown with leaps and bounds.  I feel happier, sadder, more frustrated, sillier, angrier, more delighted than I ever dreamed possible.  Before integration I felt emotions but I was always fragmented and emotions could vanish completely and I wouldn't know where they went.  I feel like one of my photographs that are kind of flat and punched up the color so it is now over saturated.  I am kind of hoping to tone things down a bit and have it more even; or I need to hang on and embrace the adventure of what I am feeling.  I like Fitzgerald's reminder that which ever I choose is up to me.  I didn't integrate by chance.  I didn't change by chance.  I made choice after choice that put me in a different place.  If I don't like it, it is my responsibility to put more changes into motion.  If I do like something, it is still my responsibility to maintain and nurture that change.  Some changes were out of my hands.  The day I was told that my job was finished I had no control over.  What I did do was grasp the opportunity to finish my photography degree.  I am blessed by that choice.  The day KavinCoach told me he was moving I had no choice.  I did choose to start seeing NewCounselor and continue my journey to heal from childhood abuse.  Some choices are small and some are major either way these are my choices.  I like where I am going.  What choice do you have today that will get you where you want to be?

Jonsi answered this on her web page:

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Narcissistic list

Over at Narcissistic Continuum is yet another list of narcissistic behaviors

Patience William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . .. easy, boy."  Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ...... the little brat's name is Kevin."


Saturday, June 23, 2012


Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.

I have always heard this quote quite differently.  I think this is valuable difference.  I worked at a university where artists are hired because of what they can do, but the interesting thing was that no matter how good they were at what they did, it didn't mean they could explain it to someone else.  To me, in my way of thinking, that is part of what a counselor does is teach people.  My experience is that they listen.  I mean really listen and then take all the ramblings and pull out the core issue so the person talking can get a clearer picture of what is really bothering them.  Sometimes it is past problems never resolved and other times it is lack of understanding a life principle.  Like all teachers, it also requires a student to learn.  Too many people enter counseling with a chip on their shoulder daring the counselor to change their lives.  I guess my feelings is why bother going to counseling if you have no intention of changing.  I didn't watch Dr. Phil very often but the one quote I remember most..."Is it working for you?"  If life was working for me, I wouldn't be in counseling.  I am getting healthier.  All the sessions and work are starting to pay off.  I am seeing what a difference 2 good counselors have made in my life.  I appreciate their understanding and their willingness to teach me.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Don't know what to look for

The answer was there all along.  I just didn't know what I was looking for.  Me

The first part of June I took a trip to visit my daughter's family.  In preparation, I made sure my computer had the latest virus protection.  I only use the laptop on trips and didn't use it before leaving.  When I arrived at her house, I discovered that the software was installed but not activated.  I spent the week using the computer as little as possible for fear of getting a killer virus.  After returning home, I checked the desktop computer for the information I needed to activate the laptop.  I found the needed folder.  I then double checked the laptop.  There was the folder with the needed information sitting with the same folder.  I had the pin for the software with me the entire week.  I just needed to know what I was looking for.  My laptop is now properly activated. 

This week NewCounselor asked me to write about what I needed to feel safe.  I told him that I didn't know what it means to be safe.  I don't feel safe.  He chided me a bit and said I did know.  So I started describing a relationship that I considered that I didn't feel safe.  He listened for a bit then explained, "That isn't about feeling safe, that is about feeling accepted."  With a bit more discussion NewCounselor realized that I really didn't understand what it meant to be safe.  I equated safe with accepted and he clarified that wasn't it.  He then explained that when we feel safe we are emotionally in control of ourselves in a situation.  I don't need to feel accepted to feel safe.  Conflict can exist and still feel safe.  I wasn't looking for the right thing. I feel safe more often than I thought.  I just didn't know what I was looking for.  I am going to try the assignment again but now I know what it means to be safe.  I don't feel safe very often but now I know what I am looking for. 

I felt safe because this guy was behind the zoo enclosure wall. 

Thursday, June 21, 2012


Mulitples may have a variety of ways of approaching life.  A combination of introvert and extrovert personalities intermingle, so the person may appear to be an extrovert.  A trigger occurs and BAM someone else may take over that is an extreme introvert.   After integration I found out that I am an introvert.  I found a cool list on the internet that would be helpful for the introvert in your life.

I pulled this off Facebook using a screen capture.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

To live, you feel

Oscar Wilde
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

Living without emotions is existing.  To live, you feel.  Emotional abuse cruelly uses emotion to torment the victim.  No scars, no bruises, no evidence of any harm.  The scars are hidden in the heart of a person.  My neighbor/pedophile excelled at this type of abuse.  I learned through brutal experience to totally disconnect from everything that I felt, everything that I was.  My pain was his pleasure.  To stop his pleasure the child existed no more.  By not existing, I survived.  A paradox of thought.  Warped beyond reason. 

 Before I knew my past, I told KavinCoach it was like I was standing outside of the candy story and could look inside where everyone was laughing and eating and enjoying themselves...I stood on the outside looking in.  I was a witness but not a participant.  KavinCoach taught me to reengage in living.  Step out of the cold and come inside with everyone else.  The fear was powerful that if I stepped inside everyone would know how bad I was.  KavinCoach was right.  I had nothing to fear.  I stumble but I don't fall.  I feel so many different emotions.  I felt happy before sometimes.  I felt sad before sometimes.  Should any one emotion take too much attention a switch would occur.  Integration brought all feelings to one place.  I couldn't shuffle away.  I felt them all.  KavinCoach asked me which feeling I experienced and felt fully first.   I still smile at the unguarded shocked look I got when I said, "Boredom."  He thought for sure it would be some other emotion.  As a child, I was taught that only stupid people were bored and if I every said I was bored I would be given LOTS more work to do.  I never mentioned being bored.  If one part of myself started to feel bored, another part took over.  Integration closed the escape hatch.  I had to feel bored.  American Sign language express the emotion in a visual that sends the message loud and clear.  Anything to do other than being bored is preferable.  You know occasionally I still feel bored but to me that is a signal that I do not have enough to do or perhaps I am needing to wait for someone or something.  I take a book with me when I know I need to wait.  I think about my next post or plan some activity with friends or family.  I still don't feel bored often and that is OK...because now there are a lot of other emotions just waiting for their turn to be felt. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Question about Emotions

Yesterday's post brought this comment:

mulderfan said...
After my latest incident with NF, I woke up this morning and I was glad to be back in my "feel nothing" mode. Not angry, sad, hurt, etc. I simply don't care.

This is a state I've worked hard to achieve so my NPs get kicked outta my head and become a non-issue in my day to day life.

DD's AA sponsor says we should give ourselves 24 hours to "wallow" in self-pity then let it go.

Your post made me wonder if maybe all this "letting go" isn't such a good thing. Maybe I have a right to feel hurt and truly pissed about the way my simple gesture of good-will was crapped all over or is it healthier to experience it briefly then move on?

I would love your honest opinion!
I feel honored that mulderfan would ask me. 

Here are the links to mulderfan situation:

For years, I shut off emotion.  I didn't realize how completely I did this until I was in counseling.  I thought I was doing a good thing and encouraged (more along the lines of demanded) not to show any emotion.  KavinCoach was amused that once I could feel the full gambit of emotions I tackled studying them much like I did computers or photography.  I am a great believer in feelings and processing emotions.  Too often, people get stuck in the feeling part and that is as far as it goes.

mulderfan is one of my online heroes and friend.  Her relationship with her parents has helped guide me in dealing with my parents.  Narcissistic parents drew us together each trying to figure out how to cope with totally unreasonable people.

This is MY OPINION!  It is based on reading many of mulderfan's posts and my own experience.

mulderfan attempted to have a pleasant chat with her father on Father's day.  He started out nasty and became nastier as the phone call proceeded.  She chose to end the conversation early, unfortunately, not before he said some cruel things to her.  In her first post, she expressed how angry she felt with him and herself.  She acknowledged how she felt and did not put all the blame on her NF (narcissistic father) shoulders.  She recognized that she could have stopped the conversation sooner.  She did not victimize herself by letting him be the controlling person.  She responded by firmly ending the conversation.  (Read respond vs. react for an explanation why responding is important.)  She then used a post to vent how angry she felt.  She also contacted someone closer to her that knew her father and knew what kind of ass he could be.  Hurray for mulderfan, she did not assume she was at fault as she was trained to do.  She checked and received validation that her father behaved like an ass.  She then had a second post that allowed her to express all the different things she could have said but didn't.  She worked through possible scenarios that she prefers over how she did act on Father's day.  Many comments allowed her to explore her feelings farther.  When mulderfan read my post she reached that "feel nothing" mode.  She wondered if this was healthy.  I think she is getting healthier.  All these feelings are a repeat performance so the processing time is being reduced.  (Practice makes you faster at what you are doing.) Continuing to harbor feelings would only harm her since she has plenty of experience with how little her father cares about her feelings.  To me, what she is doing now is setting the emotion level back to a level that she felt before the unpleasant encounter.  Her time she calls (this is entirely up to her) she mentioned that she plans to put a note by the phone that says, "Hang up!"  She felt and owned her emotions.  She sat with them for awhile.  Asked for and received validation from several sources.  Then let the whole thing go.  Bye - bye... Don't let the door hit you on the way out...Hasta la vista...I don't need to think about this any more.

mulderfan, congratulations... you did great!

mulderfan's post on her perspective

Monday, June 18, 2012

"Bad" emotions

Another blogger's post sometimes get me to write ideas that previous just rattled around in my head trying to find an outlet.  Kiki's post prompted me to write this comment.  As I reread it, I realized I spewed out a lot of different ideas that have formed over time.

To give a little background, when I started counseling one of the things my counselor discovered fairly quickly was my ability to completely dissociate from all emotion.  He had tried to get me to express how I felt and I blocked out all feeling of anger.  KavinCoach stopped mid-sentence and asked, "Where did it go?"
I was confused, "Where did what go?"
KC: "You were getting angry."
Me: "Yes."
KC: "But now it is gone.  You don't even show any tension in your face like you are trying to suppress it.  Where did it go?"
 I didn't know.  I just knew I could make it go away.  This wasn't controlling emotion or setting it aside for a later date I made it completely vanish...sort of.  I did find it eventually.

Emotion became the most fascinating thing in the world for me to study.  It was amazing stuff.  Like liquid sunshine it could split apart to a rainbow of feelings that absolutely astounded me.  I knew that anger was one of the "bad" emotions because I was taught from a very young age that I was a terrible child if I expressed it.  I learned to bury it then to dissociate from it completely.  Mind you it didn't actually vanish.  I just put it cold storage.  Unprocessed raw emotion built up over a life time is awe inspiring when I finally tapped into what I call Lake Rage.

When Kiki wrote about what she was feeling I commented and my fingers just kept rattling out thoughts about emotions that I hadn't actually put together in all one place.  

The world of emotions was denied by me for so long that learning to feel any of them fully is difficult. I felt happy from time to time that is safe, like you say. Kind of like having a box of crayons and the only color you are allowed is a happy yellow. My counselor kept trying to push me into anger, I kept blocking him or shutting down. He finally gave me an assignment to throw clay pigeons, the kind for skeet shooting, against the wall. I was to name each one with a hurt or something I was angry about. I came back and told him how I didn't just do one box, I did two, 180 little circles of clay were smashed against a wall. My counselor looked at me stunned. He quietly said, "I thought you would be tired after one box." I just tapped into a lake of rage. I joked that if it weren't for depression, I would be in anger management. I agree with you if you let loose all that feeling all at once it could be terrifying for you and those around you. My counselor helped me let off a little at a time. I am still working on that lake of rage but I learned that it was the dynamo that kept me moving forward when I should have been totally wiped out. The power of emotions is like filling your crayon box with all the colors available. I have a picture of the tapestry in my counselors office. That tapestry would not be nearly as beautiful without the black threads. Here is my take on some of the emotions.
Fear - I pray more and become closer to God because I have faith that He will hear me.
Anger - It tells me when a boundary is violated. I have many boundary violations to be angry about.
Boredom - A red flag that I am not engaged enough in living.
Jealousy - teaches me the needs I was taught to ignore. If I am jealous, what need have I denied myself?
Sorrow - the deep pain of hurt that I was not allowed to feel.
Grief - for the childhood denied me. There are a lot of emotions.
Depression gives you a place to start processing. When you draw, what are you drawing? When you play music, what are you playing? When you write, what are you writing? All of these are avenues to the world of emotions. Allowing yourself to immerse yourself in them allows you to bask in the emotions without overwhelming yourself. Depression gives you time to process what you learn. The wealth of emotion is amazing. I am still learning but I learned to really like rainbow colors of emotions. Babystep your way through. For me, depression lessened when I no longer needed to keep all those unruly emotions completely suppressed. I still control them because emotions and acting on them has consequences.

Thanks Kiki for an opportunity to share what I have learned about emotions. 

Wouldn't be as beautiful without the dark colors.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Mmmm Father's Day maybe

To those that have awesome Dad's you are probably not reading my post today.

To those that wished their father's had only been sperm donor's I have a story instead:

Unbaked Yeast Rolls

Those of you who have animals will probably appreciate this the most. It is a story that is hilarious in itself and the person who wrote it is a good writer and made the story even better. Enjoy...

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper.  He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent. 

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies.  He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit, including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights.  The new door cost over $200.  But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house.  Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly.  It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am.  Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor.  Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours.  Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.  The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM.  When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty.  I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality.  He literally wobbled over to me.  He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur.  He groaned when he walked.  I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet.  After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be okay; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.  God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick.  Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink.  He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, put the dog out to relieve himself.  Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave.  He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking, his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time.  When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon.  I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours, and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive).  Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP.  These burps were pure Old Charter.  They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station.  But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls.  God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth!  We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day.  The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.  Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine.  I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.  Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part.  The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose.  It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel.  I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor.  And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament.  He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor.  None the worse for wear I presume.  I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.  Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to:  'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'

And how was your day?

Saturday, June 16, 2012

In the End...

"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out." from KavinCoach

It will be okay in the end, and if it isn't okay, it isn't the end.  from From: Pam Young

If everything doesn't turn out as expected perhaps God's idea of OK and yours don't match.

Don't let someone else’s opinion of you become your reality. Les Brown from Karen

My brain is mush...need to sleep.  Hope your weekend is great.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Respond Don't React

Act don't react.

Take the initiative.

Great awesome cool.....I had no idea what they were talking about.

Counselors, friends and self-help books all give great advice not realizing that the listener is clueless about what they are saying.  I remember one of my counseling sessions with KavinCoach.  He was talking away explaining something that would be healthy to do.  I watched him talk so enthusiastically.  He suddenly stopped and looked at me, "You have no idea what I am talking about."
My quick reply, "Not a clue."
I could almost see him give a huge emotional sigh.  Then he started explaining in much simpler terms after assuring me that he didn't mean to sound like he was talking down to me.  I was ok with it since the second explanation made sense.

No childhood leaves out basic principles like boundaries, appropriate responses to anger, how to self protect, and the list goes on.  This week I am back to reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.  I stopped reading it to take time to read another book on boundaries.  I am now back to reading this one.

Finally, an explanation that I can understand.

Respond Don't React

When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries.  If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost  When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices.

If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can't force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness.  When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option.  The difference between responding and reacting is choice.  When you are reacting, they are in control.  When you respond, you are. (Page 141)

What What What... let me read that again...........

When you are reacting, they are in control.  
When you respond, you are. 

Did you read about the part where I can step back and regain control?  How many times did I watch a narcissistic push for an instant answer...jump now....don't think, just do...boundaries in tatters or obliterated completely. Now, I get it.  If I choose to respond to having my buttons pushed, I am in control.  If I react, I am a puppet on a sting.   All I need to do is put this into practice.  Whew!  That will be the hard part.  I am cutting my strings.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Change and Genius

Thomas Alva Edison
Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration.

Change like genius requires work, lots of it.  For me, I didn't just need to learn new things, I needed to unlearn unhealthy behaviors.  I spent almost 2 years peeling back the layers covering my memories.  I was shocked over and over as to what my 'ideal' childhood hid.  Nightmares remembered.  Flashbacks.  Sick to my stomach.  Sometimes my body was so stressed during counseling that my throat would close off so I couldn't speak.  I learned to take cough drops that counter acted this reaction.  In counseling, I doubted my own memories, I felt sick at what happened to me, I jokingly called the counselors office the torture chamber.  KavinCoach taught me to baby step my way through the mess.  I learned to accept who I was and choose to become healthy.  Before integration, my different selves actually started to work together rather than an endless argument of who had to take charge.  I am reading several blogs and some are encountering some rough times in counseling.  If you are experiencing this, keep up the hard work.  It does get better.  Sometimes a list of changes may help keep goals in mind.  One blogger puts her lists of monthly goals on line to keep herself accountable.  Before integration I set goals and failed often.  I realized during counseling if I halfheartedly accept a goal, I become my own worse enemy.  I also learned that sometimes relaxing and playing is good therapy.  This evening I spent almost an hour wrestling and tickling two preschool grandsons.  It was a work out for me and fun for them.  When they got tired, we quit playing rather than getting to the point that someone cried.  We had fun.  It felt good.  The work in counseling is paying off with improved relationships and a greater feeling of peace than I have ever known.  I am thankful I did the work that brought me to this point.  I keep working towards healthy thriving.  I am starting to experience those feelings, awesome.  :)

mulderfan said...
I'd also add, don't be afraid to change counselors. We don't always find the right match and sometimes when we been with the same counselor for a while it's necessary to move on and find a fresh perspective.

I moved on two occasions. After three and a half years I felt my psychiatrist had nothing else to offer and I left my support group when I realized it had become a crutch and I needed to stand on my own two feet. Both moves were made after consultation and in both cases I was commended for my decision.
I totally agree.  KavinCoach moved and NewCounselor given me a different perspective.  I am fortunate with both of my counselors.  On the other hand, I changed doctors when I had a doctor treat me like I was a waste of his time.  The second doctor treated me with respect.  Being respected by your couselor or doctor makes a huge difference in treatement and progress.  Thanks mulderfan for bringing up this point.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I changed

William Faulkner
Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself.

Change for change sake doesn't accomplish much.  When I was growing up, routines were changed often trying to find the 'perfect' solution.  All it did was cause more confusion.  When I took care of computers I tried to lag at least one year behind since many 'updates' did not mean fewer computer crashes.  Usually it was just the opposite, an update would be the problem.  Some of the things I had to do to change - I got on my knees and prayed. I was then led to seek help. I felt that I had done all that I could do on my own with my own understanding. I sought professional help. I faced hard truths about myself, my family of origin, and what really made me tick.  When I started counseling, I was under the illusion that something magical would happen that would fix everything.  I had no idea how much work would be involved.  How much I had to examine myself under the harsh light of how I am behaving and why do I do some of the self defeating behaviors that make my life more difficult.  Finding out my missing childhood memories carried the key of how I overreacted or shut down felt like a tsunami in my life.  The changes I chose to make in my life were massive and irreversible.  I can't go back to not knowing that I was brutally abused as a child.  I can't go back to my naive statement, "My childhood was great we went to the park and the zoo."  I couldn't un-know what I learned in book after book after book.  The books on the reading list page are a fraction of the books that I read.  Books that shook my world to the very core.    I accepted that I functioned as a multiple personality.  I decided to change how I functioned.  I walked, stumbled, dragged myself down an uncharted path towards integration and healthy living.  I didn't struggle alone.  I was blessed with a counselor that understood what needed to be done.  He knew the obstacles and taught me what I needed to do to get over the worst.  He let me stumble on, encouraging me, but knowing I had to travel this path myself.  My sister helped me in so many ways.  She accepted me being a multiple.  She would talk to all the different alters.  She started recognizing the switches.  She listened to me and called me on crap when I was being unreasonable.  My family of choice stood by me.  I tried to protect them from some of the worse.  Kind of tough to find out that your own mother is a mess.  So I tried to minimize the fall out.  I wasn't always successful.  They were the ones to stand by me when things were really tough.  I also had a surprising support system at the school of art where I worked and studied.  Many of my class projects were about my life and trying to understand myself.  Teachers encouraged me to explore my raging world through photography.  Change appeared not to happen.  I learned a quote recently, "Sometimes when things look like they are falling apart, they are actually falling together."  I changed. I integrated.  Change happens every day.  Deliberate change towards a specific goal is difficult but not impossible. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


I found another list on facebook.  I know some people don't care for facebook.  That's OK.  I found some pages that I really enjoy with photos and words of encouragement.  I figure if it is posted on facebook it is open to sharing. 

Are You Ready To Change Your Life?
10 Ways to Know For Sure

1. You’re tired.
This isn’t just a sleepy feeling when you lay down for bed at night, but an ongoing sense of tiredness throughout the day. It’s as if no matter how much sleep you actually get, your reserve energy to face the day is always low or missing.

2. You’re frustrated.
You want the feeling of unsettledness to go away so you can just “show up” and do what needs to be done. When other people don’t do their part, or prevent you from doing yours, you grow even more frustrated by the situation. You may even fail to understand why it bothers you so much.

3. You’re stressed.
Not just stressed, but over-stressed. You can be fine, doing your thing at home or work, and then something goes slightly wrong. And you find yourself going from fine to extremely stressed in an instant. This is over-stressed, when you teeter on the edge between fine and not fine.
4. You’re desperate.
You just want it to work without anything having to change. You think to yourself, “if only such and such would do this then everything would be fine.” All of your focus is placed on altering the external circumstances around you instead of the actions you could take to make things different.

5. You’re full of regret.
You have a negative internal dialogue that reminds you far too often of all the past mistakes, failures, and moments where you didn’t quite accomplish what you set out to do.

6. You’re ashamed.
You don’t want the world to really see you. You don’t challenge yourself to step out from the crowd because then they can see the failure within.
7. You’re resentful.
You just want it to be different. If only everybody else would cooperate with the plan, then the standing still plan would work. Why won’t they just do their part?

8. You’re doubtful.
Deep inside, you know that standing still isn’t the answer. You know that you have to do something, to begin listening to the whispers that well up within your heart. But you don’t think you have what it takes to change. You don’t know what the answer is for what actually needs to change.

9. You’re fearful.
You’re scared. You may fail, you may end up worse off than you are. After all, life isn’t all that bad. You’ve got good things and good people—there are happy parts. Why then are the bad parts still so overwhelming?

10. You’re looking for an escape plan.
Perhaps if you just packed up and moved to a new city. Then things would be different for you. You could start over, no one would know your past history here.

The Secret to Creating Change:
It’s not a matter of luck, location or circumstance. You’ve probably already heard it many times before. The secret to actually creating change in your life is by taking action—doing one small thing today that is different than it was yesterday. But knowing this secret only gets you so far on the path to change.

The other key to finding success in this process is about support. We are born and die alone, but we are not meant to experience life alone. The greatest gift of our human existence is that it is a journey destined to be shared with others.

We are taught from a young age to compete, to be untrusting, to be wary of the person standing next to us because we may not measure up. We are raised in a society based in perfection—never show your weaknesses, never be vulnerable.

But we are weak, vulnerable and frail—we are human. We need the ongoing support of others to lift us up when we are weak, to strengthen us when we feel frail.

Written by Stephanie Wetzel,
She is a coach, author and owner of the site,

I like the idea of starting just one thing to change.  Change happens one step at a time.  Some changes are irreversable.  You can not unsee, unhear, or delete from your mind some things.  For instance, once I understood that there are basic human rights that I have, I couldn't go back to how I thought before.  It changed my thinking which changes me.  There are several other things I would add to that you need to change determination, new information, an open mind, and as you grow in your change more tools will come to hand.  Once the change process begins it sometimes takes on a life of its own, kind of like riding a wave.  Major change can feel like you are surfing a tsunami.  Grab your board and let's go. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Change in perspective

I spent the last several days reviewing about lists.  I don't think I feel like I hate lists any more.  I dislike how people can use list to control, exclude, punish, and push beyond reasonable limits but the list is a tool.  I think I have blamed lists for the behavior of certain people because it is easier to blame the list instead of what was happening in my life.  I think I can now use lists to help sort out what I want to do in my life without being a slave to the list.  Nice to have it back into a healthier place in my life.  I think I will mostly use spread sheets because I like all the little cells to keep track of dates completed.  I think from this discussion, I really do appreciate the input and the web pages that shared my page, I learned that tools can be destructive or useful.  An axe has been used in murders but I used it to chop firewood to warm our house.  A list is a tool.  A spreadsheet is a tool.  Yup.  I think I have a much better perspective than when I started.

The Project by Judy

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Powerful list

I have the right...
My list was adapted from the list in this book  Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them
Written in January 2010

I have the right to be treated with respect.

I have the right to chose not to take responsibility for anyone else's problems or bad behavior.

I have the right to feel emotions - anger, excitement, sad, glad, afraid, courageous, etc. and the responsibility to accept the consequences of any actions brought about by those emotions. 

I have the right to say no.  When I say "yes" to one thing I inherently often have to say "yes or no" to something else that is not always obvious. 

I have the right to make mistakes and the responsibility to take the consequences for those mistakes.

I have the right to my opinions and convictions.  Just because I have them does not mean I should always state them.  Sometimes the best reply is silence but I need to keep in mind that with some people silence means agreement.  The art of disagreeing without being disagreeable is on going training.

I have the right to determine when someone is yelling at me or not.  I am aware that I am hypersensitive to negative reactions but if I feel someone is yelling at me I will respond that way. 

I have the right to change my mind and the responsibility to take the consequences. 

I have the right to ask for emotional support or help.  I have the responsibility to work on things myself.  Learned helplessness is as unhealthy as never reaching out to anyone. 

I have the right to negotiate for change. The responsibility to express myself to the other person.  The other person can not read my mind. 

I have the right to protest what I believe to be unfair treatment or criticism.  Being defensive can sometimes make a situation worse.  In protesting unfair treatment I need to keep in mind who I am talking to.  Some people are not healthy enough to engage in this type of conversation.  In these situations, I have the right to walk away.

I have the right to have friends. I have the responsibility to recognize that friends take time and energy which I have a limited supply. 

I have the right to ignore advice.  I have the responsibility to take the consequences of ignoring that advice.  I recognize that the source should be considered when I am considering someone else's advice.

I have the right to take breaks that can be beneficial when working on large projects.

I have the right to throw away or give away things that I no longer want or need. 

I have the right to lock the doors or not lock them depending on how I feel at the time.

I have the right to have extra food in the house. 

I can add to this list when ever I feel the need.

Yup some lists are downright powerful.

Saturday, June 9, 2012


I am continuing to explore lists.  There are lists that can change your perspective in life.  A list of symptoms, a list of questions, a list of _______________ you fill in the blank.  For me, it was a list of questions.  I had a boss that was trying to get me fired and sent a list of questions to KavinCoach.  My diagnosis, how it would affect my job, what I was doing about it, and what accommodations needed for me to do my job.  I read it 10 times and still couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that these were questions and answers about me.  I was the same person before and after but I viewed myself differently.  I was no longer a little girl exaggerating.  I was a full grown woman facing a tough choice.  Do I remain the same or change forever how I functioned?  I dug deep and worked harder at integration.  Lists can have an impact.  Below are list shared by others that changed how they viewed their life.  A list can make a huge difference.      

list of symptoms of... Many choices...


Medical definition and list for narcissism

From mulderfan:  A list that changed her life.   I kept it!

Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents
From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown
• Turns every conversation to him or herself.
• Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs
• Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you
• Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you
• Focus on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behaviour
• Expect you to jump at his every need
• Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs
• Has high need for attention:
• Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant, loud and boisterous
• Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off
• Becomes angry when his needs are not met and tantrums or intimidates
• Has an attitude of “Anything you can do, I can do better”
• Engages in one-upmanship to seem important
• Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming
• Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him
• Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today
• Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration
• Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants
• Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings
• Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions
• Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours
• Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own
• Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own
• Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behaviour has on you
• Has shallow emotions and interests
• Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
• Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants
• May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children

"But even though their behaviour is not really about you, excessive criticizing and blaming can cross the line and become verbal abuse. Beverly Engel (1990) writes:

Emotional abuse is any behaviour that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation and refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self concept. Whether it be by constant berating, and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Engle categorizes verbal abuse in several ways:

Domination: The person resorts to threats to get their own way.

Verbal Assaults: This includes reprimanding, humiliating, criticising, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm in a cutting way. It also involves exaggerating your faults and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self-confidence and self-worth.

Abusive Expectations: The other person makes unreasonable demands and expects that they are your first priority -- no matter what. This includes denouncing your needs for attention and support.

Unpredictable Responses: This includes drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Living with someone like this is extremely anxiety provoking. You may feel frightened, unsettled and off balance. This hyper vigilance can even lead to physical distress.

Gaslighting: This involves the other person denying your perceptions of events and conversations.

Constant Chaos: The [abuser] may deliberately start arguments and is in constant conflict with others. They also may be addicted to drama, since it creates excitement.

Narcissist’s Commandments
written by therapist Steve Becker (thank Barbara for the citation!)
You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supersedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to no one.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.

Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways which is explained in Dr. Karyl's book.
1. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she she try to top the feeling with her own?
2. Does your mother act jealous of you?
3. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
4. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?
5. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
6. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
7. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
8. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
9. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
10. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
11. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
12. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
13. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
14. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
15. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
16. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
17. Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
18. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
19. Are you shamed often by your mother?
20. Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
21. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
22. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
23. Does your mother appear phony to you?
24. Does your mother want to control your choices?
25. Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
26. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
27. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
28. Do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?
29. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
30. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
31. Does your mother compete with you?
32. Does your mother always have to have things her way?

My detective work has led me to believe that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, which explains why I view her as the center of all this chaos. In her universe, her spouse and children are expected to orbit her. The orbit is defined by her needs, wants, desires, opinions and expectations. One literally has to fall in line of her definition of the orbit in order to maintain peace. Falling out of orbit has catastrophic consequences in the form of rage, guilt, blame, obligation, manipulation and abandonment. You cannot be part of her universe unless you conform to her will.