The World is Broken

**************Warning - Mini Rant**************

I'm going to get on my soap box and yell to the World that the World is Broken is a LIE...that is right and out and out lie.  The World is not broken, the World is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing testing us.  Screaming that the World is broken and needs to be smoothed out is like proclaiming that they need to get the obstacles off the obstacle course.  That is right, this spinning globe is an obstacle course, there are supposed to be challenges, things that trip us up and knock us down.  I thought today that too many people want to run a decathlon from their easy chair.  When the hurdles, discus throws and other challenges popup they want to be able to do these tasks from their recliner.  Do I believe we make our own lives harder? Absolutely!!!!! Do people dig traps for one another?  Resounding YES!!!! The World is a challenge and we make it worse every day.  The hardest one is expecting to live from an easy chair.  LIFE does NOT come with an EASY BUTTON. 

I'm done now....thank you for reading this far.  I feel much better.  I can sit back and relax now.  :)

I love scriptures

I follow several facebook pages that share scripture thoughts.  I tend to use the King James version.  However, I often read other versions too.  When I was about 10 years old I went with my parents to a gigantic book sale.  The book I came home with was an old battered Bible for ten cents.  I read the New Testament by the time I was 12.  I still struggle with some meanings but I am persistent and learned so much.  Yesterday's posting was from Romans 12:9

⁹ Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.

What an awesome word dissimulation.... Oxford Dictionary shares this:

concealment of one's thoughts, feelings, or character; pretense: "an attempt at dissimulation" synonyms: pretense, dissembling, deceit, dishonesty, duplicity, 

So right, love without pretense, deceit, duplicity....oh yea.  That is exactly what every survivor needs.  Most abusers use emotions like love with deceit to manipulate and cripple their victim. 

Then I put it back into context. 

Romans 12:9-21

⁹ Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.
¹⁰ Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
¹¹ Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
¹² Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
¹³ Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.
¹⁴ Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
¹⁵ Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
¹⁶ Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
¹⁷ Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
¹⁸ If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
¹⁹ Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
²⁰ Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
²¹ Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

What amazing counsel on how to respond to those that mistreat me?  

Other things I learned from scriptures....

In Christ time in Israel, Roman soldiers could demand any person to carry their armor for a mile.  Keep in mind, this stuff was seriously heavy.  Christ suggested that they carry the armor 2 miles.  Matthew 5:41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Here is what I learned, Christ did not say carry it for 10 miles or a life time.  He said do more than expected but then go your way.  How cool is that?  

Abusers want to own you body and soul.  They expect you to meet all their needs forgetting yourself.  They will use a scripture like the 2 mile idea and spread it into a life time of servitude from their victim.  Yup, abusers know the scriptures too will twist and turn them to their own meanings and manipulate others.  So I refer them back to Romans 12:9 Let love be without dissimulation.

Expressed what I needed

And got so much more. 

*********Trigger warning to those that do not want to read about medical procedures***********

Last Friday was a super high stress day.  I had to go in for a medical procedure.  I struggle with doctors of any kind and needles are at the top of my trigger list.  Combine them and it is one tough day.  First off I went to the wrong office but no big deal I gave myself time to be lost, for a little bit any way.  Then the receptionist said the doctor didn't order the correct test, oh great, now I am starting to panic.  My sister is with me and is a calming influence.  She also reminds me, "Give the battle to God."  I sat down and crocheted while the receptionist called my doctor and sorted out what I needed to have done.  Oh happy day, it was an ultra sound instead of an MRI.  But there were still going to be needles involved.  Did I mention needles are a HUGE trigger?

Onward, the nurse ran the test, verified that the next procedure needed to be done and was about to leave to get the doctor.  I stopped her and explained, "I have PTSD may I raise my hand if I start to feel panicky?"  The nurse assured me I could.

The doctor arrived.  He was upbeat, kind and reassuring.  He explained the procedure then talked through each and every step and what it would feel like.  He was accurate, no surprises.  He was cheerful and asked distracting questions like what happy thing would I do later that day.  He never wavered in his respect and consideration of me.  Woohoo, I didn't panic.  WOW.

Then we were done and he left.  My body started to shake.  I experienced this before but in the past I always tried to stop it.  However, one participant on the Facebook PTSD page shared a link to TRE® which is a way of allowing the body to shake to release tension.  (I wrote about it on my other blog: https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/08/27/shake-it/) The nurse watched me shaking then checked in with me that I was ok and I could sit up when ever I felt ready.  The shaking lasted less than a minute.  I felt calmer.  I was given the rest of my instructions and sent home.  It was one of the best medical procedures I ever went through.  Needles are still on my trigger list but I made it through this appointment better than most.  I am thankful for a doctor and nurse willing to meet my needs when I expressed them.  I am counting it as a win.

Brain training

My memory is weird.  I can remember somethings right down to what color the linoleum was on the floor as a child.  I remember the most minute details about computers.  However, I forget my children's name.  I agonize over having to memorize a specific thing.  Sometimes my whole brain just ups and leaves without me.  I decided to look into games that help train my brain.  I don't remember where I came across www.lumosity.com/Memory-Games but I looked at it for over a year before taking the plunge and investing in a membership.  It is fun, mostly.  There is one that is a bird watching game that a bird flashes on the screen and I have to click on it after it disappears.  To make it more challenging I also have to remember the design that is in the middle of the scene.  The flash is so quick I stare at the center and use my peripheral vision to spot the bird.  To add another layer of complexity blobs flash too.  Clicking on a blob instead of a bird is a miss.  I groaned every time this game pops up.

My opinion changed last night.  I was driving home after my karate class and out of the corner of my eye I saw a black flash.  Not a bird but a motorcycle rider in the lane I almost moved into.  Not only was a paying attention to my own lane I saw and identified the black blob in a split second.  I don't think the motorcycle rider realized how close a call happened last night.  I am now very thankful I practiced for months at getting better at a game I didn't like.  I missed him.  That by itself paid for the use of the game.  Never too old to learn new tricks if I am willing to work for it. 

Learn from Baby Elephants

I saved this article a while back.  I've thought about it from time to time. 


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-steven-carr-reuben-phd/what-baby-elephants-can-teach-us-about-human-freedom_b_2452099.html

Rabbi Steven shares how people like baby elephants when trained from a young age can be convinced that slavery is their only choice.  But we are not baby elephants.

True, I spent 10 years in counseling being retaught how to live.  My counselor pointed out how my behavior was similar to Pavalov's dogs responding to a particular trigger.  But I am not a dog or a baby elephant.

I am learning that thinking outside of the box is difficult because the box is still defining what I am thinking.  When I was computer tech I learned that there is no box.  The trouble may be electromagnet interference from a power line in a wall.  Or a mouse chewing through a network wire.  I learned that problem solving has no predefined parameters.   

I am not an elephant, I am not a dog, I am not defined by a box or my past.  The limits exist....I don't deny it.  But sometimes the limit is temporary or placed there as a challenge or an excuse to not do something I didn't want to do anyway. 

I love Walt Disney's quote, "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."



What impossible thing have you considered recently?  What are you going to do about it?

Changing view of Mondays

I used to dread Mondays.  After a busy weekend going back to work seemed like a cruel end of a beautiful thing.  I realized I am dreading 1/7th of my life.  That is a lot to dread. 

What don't I like about it?  Other people make jokes about dreading Mondays so maybe I should too....since when am I deciding what other people think control me. 

I wake up groggy on Monday....big deal I wake up groggy most other mornings too.  Groggy is not exclusive to Monday. 

I go back to work on Monday.....So, I am doing a job I love.  I am happy at work.

I think I am going to change Monday to Fresh start Monday.  Saturday morning PCroissant is my refresh button I can have Monday as my Fresh start time.  Each Monday I have a new week to tackle, life is awesome when I can look forward to Monday.

Mind goes blank

I have these great ideas for all sorts of posts then as soon as I sit down my mind goes blank.  I'm working again with school back in session.  It is interesting that my Lumosity scores went down...by a lot.  I learned that I am most alert mid morning.  I always knew I wasn't an early morning person but I thought I was a bit more alert at night than I actually am.  I am more distracted at night.  Can't sleep but I don't really function either.  Heavy sigh....I'm keep exploring what I do and do not like.  Learning a lot of new things.  I set goals for this year and accomplishing several of them already.  The hardest task is learning the students name.  I almost have one class learned, 3 more to go.  I don't interact with one class so that one will be a bit of a struggle.  I am working at stretching and growing.  I am recognizing that I am experiencing growing pains.  But I will be ok.  I was able to do some trouble shooting for one of the computer problems.  I actually like pitting my skills against the idiocy of computers.  I just don't want to do it every day. 

Found something interesting posted on Facebook.  A friend posted a link to Washington States Let's Cook curriculum.  I can't do some of it because it is too hot to turn on the oven.  But I am enjoying it so far.  If you are an early beginner at cooking you might like it too.  It is actually designed as class curriculum to teach kids how to cook. 

http://www.doh.wa.gov/portals/1/Documents/Pubs/345-NonDOH-LetsCookClassCurriculum.pdf

Resting on palms.

Started laughing

Then I watched the rest.....I was crying by the end....Goalcast on Facebook....I couldn't get the link to land on the right video.  So I went looking and discovered the rest of the speech.....


I laughed because I saw the middle of the video first instructing me to change the World make my bed.  I am glad I found the rest of the story....



https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?fr=yhs-mozilla-004&hsimp=yhs-004&hspart=mozilla&p=William+H.+McRaven+-+Change+The+World+video#id=3&vid=9966f4eb5065c32925bc270f079b4c35&action=click


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaQZFhrW0fU

20 minutes and well worth it. 

I noticed it was turned into a book.....need to look for it. 

Just for fun Quilt

I found this on Facebook. I did find a dirtgirlworld website but couldn't locate this picture.  Enjoy

Being buried

My sister Judy is an inspiration to me.  She encourages me, believes in me, and reminds me of two things, Rule number 1, stop lying especially to yourself and Praise God in the Storm.  This quote she shared on her page:

Sometimes you think you’re being buried, 

when you’re really being planted. 

God is using this season to grow you.

~ Unashamed Impact

https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2017/07/09/more-inspiration-2/

Judy kept me grounded through childhood because I was instructed to take care of her.  With that charge I was given someone outside myself to connect with that kept me going when seemed too tough.   Now, she is a marvel.....I no longer need to take care of her.  Quite often she watches out over me.  She connected me with Froglogic and the concept of swim buddies.  I am blessed to have several swim buddies.  People that are there for me when waters get rough. 

Sometimes I was planted in rocky places. 

Ask potential therapist

I spent 10 years in counseling and went through 4 different counselors.  One I guess really doesn't count since I only visited with her twice.  I decided right off that it was NOT a good match when she said she knew how to work with PTSD and did several major things that you do NOT do with my PTSD. 

I like Lilly Hope Lucario, she is a fellow blogger that puts information out there to get you to think, feel and take care of yourself. 

http://themindsjournal.com/questions-ask-potential-therapists-treating-complex-trauma-lilly-hope-lucario/

She makes a list of questions to ask a potential therapist if you are dealing with complex PTSD.   To me her suggestions are good ones. 

When I started counseling I didn't know what I was dealing with.  I knew I couldn't express how I felt so I looked for someone that taught communication skills.  I didn't know what to say to begin with.  I knew I couldn't keep going how I was but I didn't have a clue what I needed from a counselor.  I did make a list of questions.  Some I learned as I went.  If I were to look for a counselor again these are some of the things I would ask about.

1.  What are your views of religion and healing?
2.  May I email you with questions during the week?
3.  If I feel like I am falling apart between sessions, what are my options?
4.  What is your basic philosophy of the healing process?
5.  May I bring someone with me?


My list could continue.  Which ever questions are asked I would make a written list and take notes while I was there. I would look up their web page and any other information that can be found online.  I would also say that if their looks or mannerisms are triggering I would listen to that early warning system of hyper-vigilant.   I notice that several of counselors I worked with had a fairly extensive in-take application.  It only makes sense to interview the counselor as carefully as they do me.  From time to time I look up counselors. Then I remind myself that I worked a long way through and I now have more skills and a broader understanding how to live.  The more I learn about counselors, the more I realize how fortunate I was with my first one. 

Office of my first counselor except the puzzle pieces, I brought those in. 

I love NORMAL

Yes, yes, I know... I always say that normal is a setting on a drier.  For mental health, I am still saying normal is a setting on a drier. 

Today I did my mammogram....for any woman that has had one you have my deepest sympathy. 

I am a cancer survivor.  So NORMAL means no cancer.  Yup I love NORMAL.  The place where I get mine is super awesome.  If I wait for 15 minutes they will give me the answer right then and there.  Came home and slept for 2 hours. 

Far reaching affects

I read several articles this summer on the far reaching affects of child abuse.  One of the articles had 25 things that adults that suffered child abuse do.  Before counseling I hit 100%, I did all of them.  Now, I've improved on all of them in one way or another.  I wrote about them as an opportunity to review how far I have come.  I started this way back in June....https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/06/20/tolerating-noise-and-crowds/


This week my son-in-law posted another article about the far reaching affects of abuse.  Proceed with caution some of the images are powerful and may be triggering for some people.

http://www.providr.com/emotional-abuse-as-a-child-effects/

1. Bottle up anger
2. Don't Stand up for yourself
3. People Pleaser
4. Suffer from anxiety and/or depression
5. Overly Shy
6. Self blame
7. Bully yourself


Shorter list but still comprehensive.  Again, before counseling 100%.  I am working on all of these in one way or another.  Progress is sometimes hard to detect because I am struggling with so many different areas.  Baby steps are hard to see the progress but there is progress. 

Hard to see the pattern when everything is scrambled. 

Stunner

I work for a high school as a teacher assistant.  Every year I worked there my assignment is different.  This year is no acceptation.  This morning I went through several scenarios of what I would do this year.  I was half right.  In the morning I work with Early Childhood Education followed by Fashion.  I never followed fashion trends but I used to sew costumes professionally for 2 years.  I worked in a fabric store and taught myself how to sew reading books and doing projects.  I know things they need to learn.  However, they threw me for a loop.  I will be spending my afternoons in Computer Networking.  After my head stopped spinning, my nerd half of my mind was doing fist punches in the air.  I love computers.  I was a computer tech for 14 years.  I can build a computer, assemble a computer lab, and worked on high end machines that I still miss.  One of the university students became concerned when he heard me refer to the computers as my babies.  I have kids of my own but computers found a soft spot in my heart.  I am surprised to realize I am so excited about this year.  Now if I can keep up the pace it will be awesome. 

I'm BACK

I'm back at school.  I'm not keeping up on any of my blogs that I usually read.  I am tired.  I am happy.  I am attending a bazillion meetings....yes I fall asleep in meetings.  After awhile all I hear is blah, blah, blah.....or mumble mumble mumble.....many of the meeting rooms have lousy acoustics making hearing with hearing aides almost impossible.  Even fell asleep during a major Rah Rah meeting with amplified sound and big bands and cramped seats and my body is going to shut down and not deal with any of this.  I was excited when our principal received the administrator of the year award.  He earned it.

Tomorrow first day of no meetings.  I made a list of things for me to do to keep myself cheerfully busy.  Yes, I am a person that needs something to do.  If I don't, I doze off.  My body is not ok with just hanging out....either go go go or no go at all.  I sometimes wish I could go for more of average.