All in

This week I had an interesting learning experience during my karate class.  I am learning a ground defense where I do a somersault kind of over my shoulder then stand back up.  It's kind of like falling with so much momentum that you go over top over tail and stand up again.  A bit scary for me.  When I just go ALL IN, I can do it over and over.  However, if I hesitate, I slow down just enough that instead of tumbling over I land hard with my elbow under my ribs.  My body is still not happy with me today.  A sharp elbow in the ribs leaves a lasting impression.  There are some things that to get through you need to go ALL IN.  I remind myself if there is no fear then there can be no courage.  I feel fear but my courage is bigger than my fear.  I didn't start out this way.  I let fear win for a long time.  My childhood was ruled by fear and manipulation.  Anger is the easiest emotion for someone else to manipulate.  I believe this is the reason I was cautioned by my counselor to recognize that anger is a secondary emotion, hurt, fear or frustration came first.  Sometimes all three come and anger covers these other emotions.  The ALL IN method was how I approached counseling.  If I was going to change my life I was going to do it ALL IN.  I did.  I totally changed the way I function.  For most of my life, I was 5 different people in one body trying to tag team my way through life.  I am now one person that can see 5 different ways to tackle a problem.  I left none of myself behind.  I went ALL IN.  In my experience, this takes Faith that some how I will get ahead.  More than once I reminded myself that falling flat on my face was still moving forward.

Coming out of the shadows

Learning to live.  I spent my childhood squashing myself into the mold my parents wished for me.  I tried desperately to fit in, be 'normal', stop standing out, find my place in the universe that seemed hostile and confusing.  I gave up.  My health deteriorated. I slip deeper and deeper into nothingness.  I didn't belong.  I didn't fit in.  I wasn't like everyone else.  I felt left out.  I felt nothing.  I was becoming nothing.  I felt like I was a burden.  I felt my family would be better off without me.  I was harming them.  I didn't want to.  I started self destructing a bit at a time.  I didn't want to hurt anyone else so I isolated, disappeared.  I was alive, yet rapidly dying.  Then came counseling.  A life line that felt more like barred wire.  Or imagine a rope thrown down with glass embedded.  To grasp it was painful, letting go was slipping further and further into nothingness.

Whoever told me that counseling was for weaklings, never went through counseling.  Counseling, you face your worse fears, your nightmares find their voice, the false images you hold dear to your heart are ripped away and held up to harsh light that reveals the sham, the lies, the distortions.  Counseling stripped away all the lies, what did I have left?  Mere ashes?  Distorted memories?  Fears that never end?  Or is that a lie too?  Cleanse the wounds.  Learn about and set boundaries.  Confess my fears.  Accept my past.  Refuse to let my past define who I am now.  Explore who I am. 

This article gave me a new way to look at my life.  Sit outside where I do belong, that doesn't stop me from listening to the music.  Create my own place.  Be myself.  Those that want me to fit into some other mold will go away.  They lose interest in that which they cannot control.  I don't need to walk away because they will do the walking.  I am not who they thought I should be.  They are missing out.  It is just the opposite of what I thought.  I will not hide. 

The link has a beautiful poem that I enjoyed reading.  I hope you enjoy it too. 



http://www.positivelypositive.com/2015/09/09/who-cares-what-they-think-why-you-dont-need-to-fit-in/

 Be my own kind of wonderful. 

Gratitude

Thanksgiving....I had an interesting conversation with a student.  She believed that once Halloween is over it is a straight shot to Christmas.  No turkey, no thanksgiving.  I learned that without Thanksgiving I have no appreciation for Christmas.  If I do not recognize the gifts I am given, I am not going to recognize new gifts either.  One year I made lists of things I was grateful for one a day until Thanksgiving.  Eventually I realized giving thanks is an on going process.  Everyday the sun rises, a new day is a gift.  I go to work, employment is a gift.  I have to wash dishes, enough food to eat is a gift.  My aches and pains remind me I have a body, my body is a precious gift.  I observed in the actions of others, without thanksgiving for a gift, the gift might as well not be given.  The funny thing is, if you stop giving the gifts, that is noticed.  I believe an integral part of thriving is thanksgiving.  I don't believe giving thanks makes problems go away, I do believe that gratitude puts them in perspective.  I am thankful for so many things, events, and people.  I can not possibly lists them in one day, so every day I express a bit of gratitude.  A daily dose of gratitude changes my attitude. 

Sleeping

Woohoo, I'm sleeping.  Down side, I'm not writing in my blogs.  At night is when I do most of my writing.  Today, I am going to school late so I can stay late for the fashion show.  I'll be taking pictures and documenting the event for the students.  I'm enjoying school again.  The new teacher we were waiting for arrived.  She is a lovely lady and I am giving a big sigh of relief that many of my struggles at school are now over.  I can focus on one class instead of trying to juggle two different curriculum.  I realize I am an assistant but I still need to know the content.  Fortunately with Fashion, sewing professionally for years, photography degree, and personal interest in interior design makes my job much easier.  This week I also talked to the students about surviving abuse.  My emphasis is that abuse influences my life but doesn't define my life.  I shared with them a definition for thriving that goes something like this, "Thriving is waking up in the morning excited about what you will be doing that day.  Looking forward to learning new things."  By this definition I am thriving.  I love it. 

I remember not all that long ago, I would wake up, move, feel pain, damn I'm not dead I have to get up.  Another grueling day, knowing, yes I said knowing, I would pass out sometime during the day.  I am thankful I didn't give up then.  I kept struggling forward even if it was inch by inch in an army crawl through emotional sludge.  I was determined not to stay where I was.  I am thankful for the counselor that taught me what I needed to do to build boundaries.  He believed me and believed in me.  He taught me about relationships.  He taught me that not everyone wants to hurt me.  He challenged me to grab hold of my prickly life and hang on no matter what.  I did.  Now, I am thriving, just liked he told me at the beginning of counseling. He told me, "I don't want you to just survive, I want you to thrive."  He saw a vision for my life long before I knew what thriving was.  I am thankful for his encouragement to get where I am today.  I AM THRIVING. 

So what can you say?

What you say and when depends on where the person is at when in crisis.  I like the phrase I heard, "First observe then Serve," Linda K. Burton.  Too often I am tempted to go for the quick fix.  What can I say or do for this to be over quickly.  Discomfort, mine or someone else, is difficult.  The modern culture of instant everything almost demands an instant fix to big problems.  Kissing a child's 'boo-boo' is such an example.  Not much effort doesn't take long.  Here's the problem.  I tend to want to do the same thing with bigger problems too. 

The article I shared on what not to say uses the last half of the article comparing being in crisis to treating a burn victim.  They give specific examples for each stage. 
http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2015/09/28/stupid-phrases-for-people-in-crisis/
I believe it is worth taking the time to read through their example. 

What is the best thing to say?  I believe my first counselor was a wonderful example.  My sister and I both saw him.  We compared notes.  What he told my sister is not what he told me.  His words of encouragement for her were quite different than the words he used with me.  Gaining understanding of others and what words bring comfort ti them is very individual.  Even with the greatest of care, words sometimes hurt when they were meant to comfort.  A raw wound is harmed by the softest cloth.  'What can you say' has no easy-quick-fix-one-size-fits-all answer...it doesn't.  I remember when I was working in a fabric store.  I was required to great every customer and say something nice to them.  My main go to was "Have a nice day."  Seems safe enough until the day a customer erupted and shouted at me, "Don't tell me what kind of day to have!!!"  Wow.  I calmly replied, "Sir, I am required to say something nice to every customer. So, Have a day." 

My first counselor described talking to me was like running through a mine field.  Explosions at almost every step.  Healing took years.  I am still loaded with pesky land minds.  I have two challenges, how to say words that are soothing and calming, the other is how not to be offended when the other person is attempting to say something kind but should have their mouth stapled shut.  Perhaps one of the reasons I withdraw when I am hitting deep crisis is to relieve me from not getting pissed off over the smallest slight.  No easy answer for this one.

I'm reminded...

I am continuing a critique of a series of statements dubbed Stupid phrases for people to say to someone in crisis.  This is the original article

http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2015/09/28/stupid-phrases-for-people-in-crisis/

When I think of your situation, I’m reminded how blessed I am.

I am thankful I have not ever said this to anyone.  If you want to think it fine but please, do not say this statement to anyone in crisis.  If I had the energy, I would want to punch you out. Crisis and troubles in one life does not make anyone else more blessed.  Blessing are not a contest to see who gets the most.  I like the authors take on this. "The beatitudes heap blessing on those that mourn, on those who are meek, on those who are poor in spirit — not on those who are safe, secure, financially stable, and proud."  My view, life is not a comparison contest.  What happens to me does not make your life better.  What happens to you does not make my life worse.  When someone tells me, "My abuse isn't as bad as your abuse" or "Your abuse isn't as bad as my abuse", I want to shout, "abuse is abuse."  On the same idea, "Blessings are blessings."  Some of my most amazing blessing experiences were when I was in the bottom of the deepest pits of despair.  Blessings are showered out on everyone, gratitude helps me recognize my blessings.