I could never go through what you’re going through

I am continuing a critique of a series of statements dubbed Stupid phrases for people to say to someone in crisis.  This is the original article

http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2015/09/28/stupid-phrases-for-people-in-crisis/

  

I really needed to analyze these.  Especially since I've used them.  Examining what we say to ourselves and others during crisis reflects on us too. 

I could never go through what you’re going through.

This one is supposed to be comforting some how elevating victims to some higher plane of strength....news flash....victims did not choose to be victims.  The statement implies because of some superiority on my part I chose to go through hell.  I wasn't given an option.  I didn't not get to pick and choose events because I felt strong enough to suffer...what utter hogwash.  If anything I believe such a statement is a foolish challenge to life to bring on the worst.  The one thing I did learn it is amazing what one can live through.  (Return of Jafar when one genie is making the other genie's life miserable.)  That one line really stuck with me.  I believe there are several negatives to this statement.  It implies that I chose what I suffered.  It feels patronizing like they know what I am going through.  Seems like I could stop at any moment.  I remember when I had cancer someone said they couldn't do what I was doing....my only thought was neither can I.  As far as comforting to someone in crisis, a complete miss.

Jenafer Bauerle said...

I actively hate this statement. Also "You must be so strong." Seriously?! Nope, I am a big fat coward. I think both these statements are examples of how poorly we are able to communicate empathy and concern for others. Easier said "I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that we think of you and pray for you. I would like to ... let me know if that is not ok." So much easier. Filling space with words does not make the situation better. Simple is best. If you can't handle anything else "I love you" is a great place to start.

Just call me if you need anything

I am continuing a critique of a series of statements dubbed Stupid phrases for people to say to someone in crisis.  This is the original article

http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2015/09/28/stupid-phrases-for-people-in-crisis/

  

I really needed to analyze these.  Especially since I've used them.  Examining what we say to ourselves an others during crisis reflects on us to.  

       Just call me if you need anything

Oh wow.  What a useless thing to say to a person in crisis.  I've heard this before.  Consider these for this phrase.....

1.  I don't know what I need how can I possibly tell you what I need.

2.  I am so overwhelmed breathing is a challenge.

3.  I'm partially deaf, it is a struggle to talk to my children on the phone.  

4.  The statement sounds like a feel good brush off.  You offered and it isn't your fault I didn't call.  

5.  When PTSD kicks into high gear, I feel worthless and undeserving of anyone's assistance.

Yup, to me this is about the most worthless thing anyone can say to me.  I could be drowning and not understand a flotation ring tossed to me.  I would stare at blankly not comprehending it could help.  I remember reading an article about the person that offered to polish all the shoes for the family who were preparing for a funeral the next day.  Sadly for me, PTSD disconnects my ability to communicate and feel nurtured by others.  One more person asking me to do something could send me into intense isolation.  I like the statement, first observe than serve.  Mostly, I hope people aren't offended when I refuse their offer for help or my refusal to call or when I retreat completely.  Interaction with people is one of the hardest things I do.  I agree with the author wholeheartedly this is a really stupid statement to say to someone in crisis.  I believe it goes on the "Never say this phrase" list.  

Just call me is as useless as this bunch of sand. 

Maybe it happened for a reason

I am continuing a critique of a series of statements dubbed Stupid phrases for people to say to someone in crisis.  This is the original article

http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2015/09/28/stupid-phrases-for-people-in-crisis/

 

 

 Maybe it happened for a reason.

 

Seems to me that there is always someone trying to make sense out of the senseless.  Yea, the reason was I was neglected so an easy target for a pedophile.  The reason was someone was behaving like a jerk.  The reason someone chose to do something evil.  The reason that instead of resolving their pain, they spread it around.  The reason doesn't make any difference.  My counselor was trying to reassure me that a family members cruel behavior was accidental and not intended to harm.  I flared.  I shot back, "If they shoot me by accident or shoot my on purpose, I am equally dead."  He had pushed for a reaction but was surprised by the rage behind the answer.  I was told for years and years that the person harming me didn't mean to, it was just the way she was.  Hot button.....as in major hot button.  

 

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF SENSELESS ACTS OF CRUELTY.  

 

Comes out sounding like making excuses for bad behavior instead of owning it and correcting it.  Needless to say I don't use this one.  People have tried to tell this to me but my reaction is not good.  

 

Years ago I heard a radio talk show host state, "There are always two reasons we do something.  The reason we tell people and the real one."  I agree with the author of the article "Maybe it happened for a reason" is a shitty thing to say to a person that is in crisis.   

Normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

Maybe God needed to get your attention

I am continuing a critique of a series of statements dubbed Stupid phrases for people to say to someone in crisis.  This is the original article

http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2015/09/28/stupid-phrases-for-people-in-crisis/

  

I am going on through the list for myself, exploring why each one is less than helpful or down right harmful.  Which do I use and which were used on me?  I remember when I had cancer, someone told me that I had cancer because I hated myself.  I replied, "Then a little baby with cancer hated themselves?"  They saw the fallacy in their statement.  I am looking for the fallacies and trying to retrain myself not to use them on myself or others.  

          Maybe God needed to get your attention.

This one was used on me.  I remember feeling really puzzled by it at the time.  My first thought was God can get my attention at every sunrise.  What a miracle it is for night to turn to day.  As I ponder on this phrase I realize there is some validity to the belief of God using trauma/disasters to get peoples attention.  Through out the Bible are examples of famine, wars and natural disasters that brought people to remembrance of their Heavenly Father.  This is another one that I ask myself if I am straying from God and He needs me to turn to Him.  However, if I apply to someone else, I don't know if they spent hours on their knees in prayer and then be told they aren't paying attention to God is a massive put down to their efforts.  It is also difficult to believe that a loving Heavenly Father would choose a fist to my face to get my attention.  I do know that I am more likely to pray fervently when I am difficulty than when things are going smoothly.  I think this is one of those phrases that if I use on myself to check in with my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is quite different then someone else judging me on my relationship with deity.  To me this statement implies several things:

 

1.  I am doing something that God needs to get my attention.

2.  I deserve what ever is happening to me.

3.  If I was a better person these events wouldn't happen to me.

4.  I'm not humble enough and need to be smacked down.

 

These are just the things I thought of in 5 minutes when I am calm and not hurting.  The thoughts I could conjure up when I am agonizing over what is hurting me....yup, I would put this on the list to NEVER say to another person.  I need to be kinder to me too.  I can evaluate my relationship with Christ and Heavenly Father but I NEVER (that goes both past and future) deserve abuse.   

Finding my voice

This blog helped me to find my voice.  It gives me a place to share my story.  I've been reviewing why I use certain phrases or cliches to help others in crisis without analyzing if what I am doing is helpful.  Sitting back and reviewing each statement, many of which I use, I am recognizing that how each person feels about God and religion is fairly personal.  I am also not talking about what is really on my mind. 

My mother is once again reaching out to 'improve' our relationship.  I know from repeated experience to her this means I go back to putting up with whatever she dishes out with zero change on her part.  I've learned from careful observation that in company she is mostly safe to be around.  However, lately she is using her audience, family or church group, as a part of her campaign to manipulate me.  I don't want to stop seeing family or going to church so it is time for me to "law down the law" as she calls it.  What I did a year ago was explain that I could not tell her to respect me but I could give her clear guidelines on how to treat me with appropriate consequences.  Now she emailed me with the complaint that she wants a closer relationship.  In my opinion, she hasn't changed anything.  After moving back close to my parents, I made it a habit to stop to have breakfast every Saturday morning.  I did this for over 15 years.  About two years ago, both my parents are now very busy on Saturday morning with no time to talk to me.  My sister and I started taking bets as how fast I could clear the house by walking through the door.  Then I noticed that my mother would wait to leave until I arrived.  I am fully aware that I can be fairly clueless about emotional cues but even I understood that this is a clear indication they want as little to do with me as possible.  NO PROBLEM.  My sister and I now go to PCroissant for breakfast.  A very yummy change in patterns.  Now, my parents are complaining that they don't see me.  OK can I have a "Say what?"  with lots of confusion.  I usually ignore the emails my mother sends.  She chose a topic that she knew would purposely upset me.  She announced to the world at the grand age of 87 she wants to renew her drivers license.  Yup, she got a reaction.  I was reminded by my sweet DH that she is pushing for any interaction even if it is negative.  Puzzled look on my part. She rejects a positive stop by and chat on Saturday morning so needles me about getting her drivers license renewed.....is there anyone besides me that notices this makes less than zero sense.  I remind myself that emotional behavior is not about making sense.  I decided to respond to her latest salvo*, not because I believe we can resolve anything or have a closer relationship but because I apparently need to "lay down the law" again and tell her that she may not treat me like an emotional punching bag.  She may not shove me away then complain to my father about how mean I am.  She may not call me.  If she has a medical emergency she is to call 911.  (She wants to call me and let me solve problems....waiting to contact me in a medical emergency at age 87 could be a matter of life or death and I don't want that responsibility.)  All contact must be with someone present or by email.  She may not hug me without my permission.  The list is a bit longer than this.  DH reminded me that we are coming into the holidays.  This is her stress time loaded with triggers that she never shared but my sister and I get the fall out.  She will cling then push us away in a rage then want to cling again with not consequences for the raging.  So I will answer her email.  Not with the belief that anything will change but for the sake of no one saying I didn't tell her.  Yes, if I tell her in private she will wail loudly that I never told her.  My counselors wanted me to go no contact.  My sister lives there.  I minimize contact with my parents but keep contact with my sister.  I don't understand why I am in this situation.  I often don't know what to do.  My natural tendency is to be kind but any kindness is rejected unless it can be used.  If I show kindness my mother denies to others that I am kind.  I am sad.  It is OK to be sad. 







termed used that may not be familiar with all readers - salvo - 1. a simultaneous or successive discharge of artillery, bombs, etc.

Don’t worry. God’s in Charge.

I am continuing a critique of a series of statements dubbed Stupid phrases for people to say to someone in crisis.  This is the original article

http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2015/09/28/stupid-phrases-for-people-in-crisis/

 

 Don’t worry. God’s in Charge.

 

 

True yet not helpful without a clear understanding of where the person is at in their relationship with God.   Let's break this into the two parts.  

          Don't worry.

Many people that say this believe they are being comforting without realizing the undercurrents that cause havoc wrecking undertow.  First part is telling someone that how they feel is not OK.  Worry perhaps may be a useless emotion for getting things done, however, it exists.  I know from experience that someone else telling me what to feel, my feelings has no value, or any of the variety of interpretations of your feeling is not important.  I learned in a difficult situation, to let go and let God take care of it.  But it is quite different for me to tell me to stop worrying and someone else commanding me to 'don't worry.'  When I worked with computers, I encountered several situations that one of the parties wasn't worried.  I quickly realized that they hadn't grasped the enormity of the problem.  What I am working on is recognizing what I feel concerned about, then create a plan to resolve that issue.  If I worry about a problem then come up with a solution it is called persistence.   If I worry about a problem and don't come up with a solution then I'm wasting my time worrying.  I learned to do two things with worry.  I give myself a time limit.  OK for the next 10 minutes I am going to worry about this problem  At the end of the 10 minutes I give it a rest and work on something else.  The brain is fairly marvelous. Turn it loose on a solution while you are doing something else and you will be amazed what the brain can come up with for a solution.  The second thing is if it isn't my problem to solve is to 'let go and let God' take care of the issue.  The main draw back of the Don't worry command is it minimizes or denies the other person's emotion.  I think a far more helpful attitude would to ask someone if they would like me to worry with them for a time.  Most times they laugh and then I explain that worrying together sometimes we can work out a solution then the worrying becomes a brain storming session.   

          God's in Charge. 

Yes, I believe this.  I also believe that God is in charge of a testing ground not a play ground.   Too often, I hear people exclaim that because hard things are happening in their lives it is God's fault since He is in charge.  I do believe that God's purposes are fulfilled but He allows us to be challenged and tested.  Consider John the Baptist, beloved cousin to Jesus Christ, he was beheaded.  Apostle Paul was imprisoned and shared that he had a 'thorn in his side' that was not removed.  The children of Israel suffered the same plagues as the Egyptians until the last one when the Israelites placed the blood of the lamb over the doors.  Today they still celebrate the Pass Over.  God was in charge when the Israelites reached the shores of the Red Sea.  They passed through on dry land and the Egyptians were buried at sea.  God is in charge comforts me but telling someone else this may not be comforting for them.  They may not believe as I do.  They may be in a different place of their journey than I am.  They may feel that God is failing them or saddest of all is when they start to believe that no miracle means they are not loved.  I listened to prayers of protection and I wasn't protected.  I was told God loves His little children.  So what was wrong with me that I wasn't protected?  I don't know all the answers but I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  What happened to me, why I wasn't protected, I can only guess but time and time again, I know that God loves me.  When I pray in Jesus name, I feel comforted.  God's in charge but these words are not always comforting to someone else.   Although, they do bring great comfort to me.