http://roots2blossom.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/stopping-the-cycle-of-child-abuse-by-talking-about-it/
So unfair. On top of all the trauma and hurt there is a layer of shame felt by a victim of abuse. Questions like: why did I let it happen? I should have said no? Am I to blame? The perpetrators of abuse set the victim up for the fall if anyone finds out. Judy and roots2blossom both share their combined views. I am studying the affects of abuse and how to over come the feelings of worthlessness and shame. Victims are 'groomed' by their perpetrators to accept what happens to them. Sometimes taking months before taking the abuse to the next level. The victim is the one feeling shame. The perpetrator feels none. Either complete denial or blaming the victim are the mantras of the abuser. I learned 7 years ago that my past was not all that I wished it could be. I still struggle with feelings of shame. I must consciously remind myself that it all started when I was 5 years old. I look at my little granddaughter and remember that I was younger than her when my childhood ended. Sometimes I regret remembering. But the feeling of shame without any memories of why I felt that way were just so overwhelming sometimes. I needed to remember to gain perspective of my own behavior.
Here is a list of emotions commonly felt by adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse: (she is used in the text but sexual abuse happens to boys also.) Sorry, I don't have the name of the original author.
Confused about identity
Angry at self and others
Guilty about everything she has ever done, about everything that has been to them, or thought about.
Difficulty separating what she's done from what's been done to her
Afraid of men; doesn't trust women
Frustrated and uncertain about life and goals
Depressed, but doesn't know why
Doesn't trust her own judgement
Believes the world would be better off without her
Hurts all the time; exhausted
Can't keep up with everyone else
Feels everyone is looking at her and can see right through her
I felt 12 out of 12. No small wonder that KavinCoach immediately recognized me as a sexual abuse victim. I am a walking cliche. As I go through the healing process I am feeling more and more relief from these emotions and feelings. Then I have a little incident and all this rips through me like I have done any work at all. Kind of like a tornado coming back around for another pass. Sometimes how I feel just sucks... then I have time with my kids and grandkids. I cuddled up to one of my granddaughters and rocked us both to sleep. Cuddled together with this precious little person restores my soul. Winston Churchill said it right, "Never, never, never, never give up."
6 comments:
I love how determined you are to grab the happiness you so deserve.
Here's a poem I wrote, that came to me in a dream, and scares the hell out of me!
"Her soul flies from this place,
While her body stays to endure the pain.
Her heart is breaking between the two,
Hoping for death’s release."
Kinda creepy!
Hugs P/M
Kinda real. Your poem describes the experience of sexual abuse. I am sorry you understand. Hugs back to you.
Shoot. 12 for 12.
Ugh. I fit all of those and don't have any abuse memories -- just some muted unease about my father and inappropriate sexualization that troubled me. When talking about this in therapy, we didn't really come to the conclusion that anything happened, but that perhaps I had been put in a bad position as sexual rival to my mother without me having done a damn thing at all. Although we did get more questions when my dad called my therapist and told him that I was a liar but would not identify what he thought I'd been lying in therapy about. My therapist said that level of denial raised all sorts of red flags. I guess I've decided that if there is some of that in my history that I've repressed, it's going to stay that way until I am ready to handle it. I'm hoping I am just garden variety abused.
Just my opinion that there is no such thing as 'garden variety abuse.' It all sucks. I do agree that sometimes the greatest gift is not remembering. If a time comes to remember, I was taught, "If you lived through it, you can live through remembering it."
Vicarious, there's no right or wrong about repressed memories. Just do what feels right for you. Hugs!
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