Flaming mad

I didn't feel very many emotions when I started counseling.  I frustrated my counselor because he was purposely trying to get me angry and I was adept at making anger disappear.  Not processed just vanished or so I thought.  It was becoming a ball of fire deep in my soul destroying me from the inside out.  He taught me to feel it, acknowledge it, look for the source, and work at resolving the source instead of putting out the symptom.  From him I learned that anger is a secondary emotion, fear, hurt or frustration come first.  It was vital for me to come to terms and appreciate my anger.  It is my warning system that a boundary is violated, that I am afraid, or a clue to how frustrated I am.  I am learning to use anger more effectively in my life. 



Emerging From Broken
"The physical immune system may create inflammation (a "flame" in the body), anger is like fire in the soul. Repressed, it destroys from the inside, by slow burn or explosion. Misdirected, it can blaze a path of destruction through your life and the lives of others. Cared for and properly used, it can warm you, light your path, fuel your progress, and keep hostile interlopers at bay". Martha Beck on Anger

Letting go

Judy gave me a heads up to look for a video from Hope for the broken hearted....I found it tonight. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk4VhuTVulM&feature=em-subs_digest

The words change a bit fast when I want to think over her perspective.  Used the pause button to slow it down.  I hadn't thought of letting go in this way.  It is giving me many things to think about. Some I am already doing. 

Shares my opinion

I am working on my health at any size concept.  My doctor gave me a list of suggestions to try.  This morning I was checking my Facebook and someone brought my attention to an article by Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing.  I loved it. 
If you have a few minutes, it is not very long, you can get his perspective on weight loss and the scales. 


http://www.danoah.com/2016/07/apparently-i-cant-be-properly-proud-of-myself-yet.html


It was fun reading an article that I felt like standing up and cheering.  I am home alone and probably could do that.  Yes, I still have my tyrannical scale upstairs.  I want to throw it away but I am afraid that the World will tilt or the planets slip out of orbit if I do.  A while back I lost 30 lbs....did I rejoice? NO.  I whined and complained that I hadn't lost 50 lbs.  I also became very critical of anyone that dared to eat dessert in front of me.  'Why are they eating that? They need to be losing weight.  With a little bit of effort....' and the negative messages ricocheted all over my mind.  Fortunately, most of the time I kept my mouth shut so those soul destroying words wouldn't hurt anyone else.  People became afraid to eat anything around me because I would stare intently at their food and woe be tide if they didn't eat every bit.  Seriously messed up.  I joked that I became a 'mean-skinny.'  The term Fat and happy has a lot more meaning to me.  Of course, when I went back to eating without worrying about calories I gained 40 lbs.  Heavy sigh.  New attempt.  I care about my health.  I want to choose healthy.  I can be healthy as possible at any size.  Maybe next year, I'll throw away the scales....earthquakes anyone?

Me on a diet.

Days of peace

I spent most of this past month resting.  Days of peace, slowing down, and finally getting a new doctor.  Last year my doctor I had for 20 years decided to retire.  I am happy for her and sad for me.  Finding some stranger to tell all my secrets like how much I weigh and having her poke and touch me is difficult.  She is a nice lady.  Much younger than me so maybe I can keep her another 20 years.  She asked me to eat fish three times a week.  I looked at her and said, "No, fish belong in a tank."  So I found liquid fish oil and spent about $100 on food choices and supplements to help balance out my cholesterol and blood sugar.  I'll do it for three months then go back to check my progress.  Frustrating thing about natural changes instead of drugs, insurance doesn't cover over the counter supplements and healthy food.  Some of the changes I know I should do them.  Myfitnesspal.com was my go to program that helped me loose 30 lbs.  Problem was it didn't help me with my attitude.  I need an attitude adjustment to make my life changes and have them stick.  I need to change the concept that I need a cookie after doing something difficult.  I need to change my food reward system.  So far, a whole two days I am seeing some success but not a lot.  Changing how I functioned for years is slow going.  My habits are deep ruts.  Tough to write this.....I need to go eat a cookie. 

Time passes quickly

This summer was a summer of rest.  I am feeling so much more relaxed.  I am thankful that I am able to take summers off.  The summer started with a grand adventure and then weeks of mostly staying home.  One more week and I head back to school.  I don't know where I will be assigned, I'm OK with that. 

Sometimes I wish time would slow down a bit. 

Alone

My husband became interested in watching a TV series called Alone.  About 15 people were placed alone along the Vancouver Island northern coast.  Their job was to survive alone.  The one that lasted longest would get $100,000.  I watched some of the last episodes with him.  I was interested in how each person was choosing to spend their time.  The man who had purpose of helping his kids with college lasted the longest.  Determination and focus on that purpose helped him hold out for almost 2 months.  I realize that one of the key pieces of thriving is having a purpose beyond simple survival.  Maslow's pyramid (http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html) of needs places purpose near the top one of the last things to be actualized.  He didn't think about the fact that some people will suffer great discomfort for a higher purpose.  I joke that for extreme survival I stood that pyramid on its head. 

Summer Hibernation

I am home for the summer since my job as a teacher assistant follows the school year.  I spent most of June on the road with my daughter and her two kids.  We had a blast visiting and talking for 3 weeks.  Now I am home.  I leave the house as little as possible.  I have to make scheduled appointments with people so I will leave the house.  I am not doing much at home either.  It is like I've gone into summer hibernation.  Storing up energy and quiet time before the onslaught of school again.  I know myself.  If I stayed home, I would isolate myself more and more.  I have to work at staying engaged with people.  It is super easy for one day to slip into another without wandering very far.  I am learning more about being an introvert.  Many of the behaviors of an introvert I assigned to PTSD.  Now I am sorting out which is which.  One TED talk explained that introverts are affected how they perceive the World and interact with people.  I need alone time.  I need to sit quietly interacting with no one.  The TV may be on for noise but I want to be alone a lot.  But I also enjoy visiting with my sister when she comes to visit and DH when he gets home.  Then I want to be alone again.  It is like I can't get enough of being a lone and I don't feel lonely.  Still sorting how this all works.  Integration quieted the voices in my head.  I still feel complete but the constant chaos is quiet.  Hmmm I haven't thought about this in this way. 

Today I went to visit some of my grandchildren and their mom.  I had a lovely morning.  I enjoyed our time together.  Now, I am here with my computer sitting quietly.  TV is yammering on but I have no idea what is happening in the show.  I'm ok with that.  Maybe I just need down time.  Not sure. 

Enjoy

One of the challenges that I have is believing I deserve joy, happiness and fun.  I separate them because each one has its own nuance and source.  I was introduced to this concept when I read Life's Uncertain, Eat Dessert First.  This book challenged my belief I was only as good as I was useful.  The concept that I could simply enjoy things seemed radical and extreme.  However, I like challenging my views on life and I was willing to try out fun.  I started to play.  Yup, adults, children, survivors, and everyone needs time to play.  Sadly, in some cultures and homes, play is discouraged or punished.  Luckily play is becoming more main stream.  I have watched the surge in online games, adult coloring books, Cos-play, and many other ways for people to play.  Some people believe the pendulum is swing too far into the play area.  What I learned is play is healing.  Learning to have fun takes time and effort.  Balancing with work, play is healthy.  Active play is a bonus of joyful exercise.  I want to share some links to things that are play:

music-
http://bakcoonmusicandphoto.com/index.php
http://www.virtualdrumming.com/drums/windows/drums-free-drumming.html
http://castinbronze.net/#cast-in-bronze-home-tour

art-
http://www.coloring-pages-adults.com/
http://www.chihuly.com/

Books- libraries and online sources are endless

games-
https://apps.facebook.com/happyacres/?fb_source=sidebar_bookmark

Abusers and well meaning people perpetuate the idea that we 'need' to be productive.  I find that I can be more productive when I take time to play.  We are not born to be slaves, enjoy playtime. 

Health at Every Size

May be triggering for people with weight issues. 

Read enough articles and you will eventually find one that agrees with you.  My friend shared this one on Facebook and I enjoyed reading it.  Yes, it is based on one person's research.  The test group was way to small to be considered a viable study, however I just came off the two year cycle of loosing 30 lbs keeping it off for 6 months then gaining 40 lbs back on.  Net gain: 10 lbs.  In this cycle, I learned several things about myself.  It takes a lot of time, effort and thought to keep off the weight.  I feel resentful and envious of those that were eating desserts of any kind.  I felt deprived.  I physically felt better but emotionally....I make a MEAN skinny.  I am serious...I get mean.  Not good at all.  If my goal is kindness to others getting mean is a bad idea.  I recognize and acknowledge that this is a irrational emotionally based reaction that probably is not repeated by others.  I listened to my mother's lectures when I was in high school and weighed 125 lbs about how fat I was and I needed to lose weight.  I remember the day my mother flicked me on my stomach saying that my fat causes cancer...I replied, "I know, I've already had it."  I had cancer several years before this conversation.  The United States and other countries are obsessed with weight.  Sadly vicious teasing, ridicule and cruelty are justified because someone weighs more than someone else thinks they should.  I did myself.  I remember teasing a friend and hitting her because she was fat.  It was wrong.  I wish I could go back and chew out my younger self and apologize to the girl I called friend but I wasn't. Sadly, I learned it was OK to hurt and make fun of people because of their size.  I deeply regret my previous behavior.  Personally, I would rather weigh more and stay nicer then loose weight and become envious of those enjoying food.  I stopped watching a TV series because they made fun of one of the characters that was overweight.  There was no 'redeeming' moral to the story line.  This show equated fat with ugly.  It was cruel.  I no longer watch the show for any reason.  It isn't funny.  It was cruel and small minded.  I don't know if Health At Every Size has all or any answers; I do believe a change in attitude is essential.  Weight is an attribute like height, color of our eyes, hair or skin.  It is not a free pass to tease, humiliate or bully someone else.  This is a life and death issue.  Anorexia, bullying, bulimia, extreme dieting, over exercising, steroids to bulk up can all lead to horrible ways to die.  Yes, I am working at choosing healthy.  Death by chocolate is a slow way to go.  





http://nationalgeographic.org/news/health-every-size/

Blog https://healthateverysizeblog.org/


Two sides of the story Criticism of HAES http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4386524/