How long can you tread water?

This is how I am feeling right now.  I am treading water.  I am not moving forward but I don't appear to be moving backwards either.  I am in the waiting pattern like an airplane waiting to land at a closed airport.  I am substituting frivolous fun for real effort and work.  Tried to change that yesterday.  Paying for my foolishness today.  Not exercising with lunges for a year it is a bad idea to think I can pick up where I left off.  Allow myself to back up and try again.  My health is improving.  Knowing the real source of my swallowing problems is an eye opener.  I hadn't realized I was afraid to exercise in case I made my internal problems worse.  Now, I know that it had nothing to do with my muscles and everything to do with being allergic to something.  Not sure what yet.  Other people assured me that the blood test would take a while.  Trying to be patient and I am still bad at it.   I am noticing that my head feels clearer.  I am getting back into doing my karate and actually feeling better about my efforts.  Preparing for the next level tests. That is one part of my life.

The other part that is consuming time, energy and pushing me way out of my comfort zone is visiting my mother after hip replacement surgery.  I stop and visit on my way home from work.  I am trying to use my training from Early Childhood Education and observe what she does and say.  I am also doing a bit of research on Alzheimers.  People are saying mother's behavior is caused by old age and possibly Alzheimers.

http://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-stages-behaviors.asp

I am accepting that my confusion is, to me, she isn't acting any differently then she has for the last 50 or so years.  The main difference is now she treats everybody like she treated Judy and I.  She still has her favorite nurses that get effusive thanks and praise and the scapegoats that are blamed for her discomfort, usually female physical therapists.  I am a piece of furniture or a person to order about.  If she doesn't like the conversation she is too deaf to continue.  But sometimes she talks so softly I can barely hear her.  Some conversations make no sense then the next time I talk to her, the past conversation never happened.  Same as I've always known.  I am struggling with accepting this is simply the devastation of old age.  To me she would have had Alzyheimers in her 40's. 

What I learned that I think is helpful-

Top five tips

• Try not to take behaviors personally.
• Remain patient and calm.
• Explore pain as a trigger.
• Don't argue or try to convince.
• Accept behaviors as a reality of the disease and try to work through it.
  Read more: http://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-stages-behaviors.asp#ixzz4ZEkvjekq
  
  
  Basically what I learned with the help of counseling....her behavior is not about me.  Whether it is a disease eating away her brain or maggoty fears triggering her behavior, it is still not about me.  Interesting how this knowledge takes a burden off my shoulders.....all she is, not about me.  I can't change her, fix her, or make things better.  Daily I remind myself, her choices and behavior are not about me, ever. 
  
  
  
  
  
  Still waters run deep
  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lorettalynn/rosegarden.html

Pondering or sulking

Counseling started over 15 years ago.  I reached the point where everything was gray....little or no emotion.  Counseling was a desperate grab to get out of my personal twilight zone.  My counselor poked, pestered, and prodded until I exploded and found anger.  Then we peeled back anger to find hurt, fear and frustration.  Digging and cleaning out the hideous sludge I found happiness, contentment and joy in bits and pieces.  I learned that feeling only one emotion is a bit odd so only happy is almost as weird as only gray.  I am learning to identify and cope with a wide range of emotions.  Lately, I am in an odd mood.  I am trying to identify what it is.  I am thinking..... a lot.  Hence, I am believing it might be pondering.  But I also have tinges of resentment and discontent so perhaps I am sulking wanting to call it pondering because that sounds better to me.  I know I am not angry.  I am tired but that is more physical than emotional.  I am not really happy, not excited but I am not grumpy either.  You know, gray is easier...no confusion about what I am feeling. 

Verbal abuse

https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2015/05/26/types-of-verbal-abuse/

Buried in my drafts folder I found this link to Judy's blog.  Her post is a response to this link:
http://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/what-is-verbal-abuse/types-of-verbal-abuse/

I needed this today.  I counted.....today I was verbally abused by a student that used 12 of the 15 different types of verbal abuse.  I got frustrated and I could hear it in the intensity of my voice.  However, I didn't loose my cool.  I kept things even.  I did call security and had the student removed from the classroom.  I am reviewing the situation as to what might happen in the next few days.  My job is to stay as far away as I can possible get.  Fortunately, the student is not in a room that I work on a regular basis.  I don't need to tolerate abuse from anyone.  Thanks to Judy as I recounted the incidents and let me talk through all that happened.  I was verbally abused today.  I don't like it.  I don't need to tolerate it.  Hmmm.  I'm glad I dropped Judy's link in my box about 2 years ago.  Very helpful today. 

Things I can do tomorrow to avoid this student. 
1.  Arrive in the room after she leaves. 
2.  Stay away from the corridor where she walks to another class. 

If I do encounter the student,
1.  Observe her behavior
2.  Say hello only if she speaks first. 
3.  Remind myself that it is not my in my job description to tolerate verbal abuse. 
4.  Walk away. 

Overall
1.  Make sure Security phone number is easy access on my phone.

Plan ahead; follow my plan. 

Do not accept spider's invitation.  

Inspiration Motivation

"Don't drink the Kool-Aid"

What do these three things have in common?

For several weeks I've struggled with what to write, so I spaced out my scribblings hoping something would come together.  Yesterday I read Roots2Blossom awesome blog on getting motivated right now.  https://roots2blossom.wordpress.com/2017/02/06/get-motivated-right-now/
Sometimes I feel so unmotivated....my getup and go, got up and went without me. 

Another post by someone else was inspirational, probably my sister, but I didn't save the link.  My heart felt lighter.

Then the third one wrote about making choices and not just following the crowd like lemmings.  Only the guy did his homework to find out that lemmings leaping off the cliffs was a Disney hoax, for which they got sued.  Immediately what came to mind was "Don't drink the Kool-Aid".  This was news when I was a teenager.  A bunch of people followed Jim Jones to their death by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid.

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AwrTcd1RsZpYFGAAXConnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTByNWU4cGh1BGNvbG8DZ3ExBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzYw--?qid=20101219173652AAuoOIm

What a combination. 

What do I get out of this?

Choose carefully who inspires me and what motivates me and make sure that someone isn't giving me funny tasting Kool-aid. 

Progress

I shared on my other blog my progress I had from a post I had on this blog 2 years ago. 

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/02/04/what-has-changed-in-two-years/

It was interesting to write the post and realize I came along way.  2016 was not an easy year.  I failed some things.  I did some other things that I feel ashamed about.  But I also did somethings that were good, fun and amazing.  I traveled with my daughter and her kids to visit those kids living out of state.  I helped some students in a big way.  I discovered some health problems.  I gained back the weight I lost plus some.  I survived.  However, looking at 2 years of change or 5 years of change or 15 years of growing.  I am amazed at where I am at now compared to where I was then.  My emotional growth, healing, and changes I feel light years from where I was.  I think one of the values of blogging for myself is I have a record of what I was doing and thinking at the time.  I am thankful for the growth and many many fellow travelers that share my journey.  Thanks

Progress not perfection. 

Hollywood did it again

Hollywood decries putting down groups due to race, religion, or gender preference but has no problem ridiculing those that are over weight by their standard or mental illness.  These groups are fair game in the movies to turn them into victims or monsters.  A grade B or in my opinion D movie came out called "Split."  The main character is a multiple personality that terrorizes 3 teens.  REALLY.....I am sick and tired of Hollywood twisting the truth to their convenience and to line their pocket books.  I will gladly help them pack to move anywhere outside this country. Sending them clear off the planet seems reasonable.  (Not a death threat but tickets on the next space stuttle need to be handed out in Hollywood.)  Fortunately, there are websites that demystify the twisted truths.  The people over at Trauma and Dissociation gave a quiz on what really happens when a person splits into parts to survive. 
https://traumadissociation.wordpress.com/2017/01/31/split-movie-quiz-dissociative-idenity-disorder-fact-versus-fiction/

Yes, I did get a 100% on their dissociation quiz. I didn't check every page but what I read coincided fairly closely to what I experienced.  I lived with parts for over 40 years.  My kids figured out first that Mom was a bit complex on how I handled situations.  Took a lot of years of counseling to integrate and learn a new pattern of solving problems.  My aunt that worked in a mental hospital also recognized my behavior for what it was, a complex coping structure that consisted of 5 personalities that kept me functioning in an insane world.  I worked very hard to bring down the barriers within myself.  I also had people and jobs that cut me off from their association because I was the problem.  Here's the deal.  I was the same person they liked before they found out how I functioned.  For me, there were black out of time, loss memories and confusion.  Who kept moving my clothes to the back of the closet? And who's clothes were they in the front?  I knew that I could write something then later not recognize my own hand writing or what the note meant.  I felt stupid and scared and confused and I withdrew more and more.  Counseling was my last resort.  I was terrified, glitches, and behaviors were becoming more noticeable.  I was blessed with an amazing counselor that understood who and what I was.  He guided me through acceptance then taught me coping skills.  I was determined to bring myself together.  I was born together and I wanted Humpty Dumpty together again.  A daunting task that I would not brave alone or without prayers....lots of prayers.