Why this? Why now?

I did not intend to take an extended break from blogging to create the costumes for a show last week.  Why did it happen if it was not my intention?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77m8F-GWkuY&feature=em-subs_digest-vrecs


I saved Todd Bauerle's video about 'You MUST know your why' back in October, before costumes consumed my life.  I watched it tonight and gave me time to pause and think, "Why am I doing what I am doing?"

If I didn't intend to let the costumes consume my life for 2 months how did it happen?  What was my why? 

One of the things that I noticed while helping at a high school that too often events happen and we go with the flow without thinking too much about why we are doing it.  Or why we are doing thing this particular way?  I am impressed that the teachers emphasize reflecting on projects after they are done.  DH and I pondered today what did I get out of this all consuming immersion into the world of costumes.  Todd reminded me again to consider my why.....

I started out in the adventure with 5 other women.  I wasn't alone.  Then one by one they dropped out until by Thanksgiving only one lady was helping me at a pace that would not get the costumes done in time for the show, so why did I keep going?  Why didn't I throw up my hands and say "This is too much to do alone." Why this?  Why now?

I know part of the answer lies in what my counselor calls my do-or-die attitude.  He noticed that when I feel like I have to do something I will even if it kills me.  I destroyed my health more than once trying to do impossible tasks.  So part of my why is I said I would deliver costumes by Dec 7 so I delivered by Dec 7.  Do or die.

(Side not:  My counselor recommended that I lose my do-or-die attitude.  I thought about this for a moment.  I replied, "If I didn't have that attitude, I would have died."  He knows my whole history, he pondered about what he knew about me and understood I wasn't exaggerating.  He nodded, "Your right, you would have died."  Then he recommended a dimmer switch to dial it down a bit.)

I did try to lower my expectations, I delegated projects to other people, and planned and worked on the project every day.  But it wasn't enough when most of the others quit.  Another hurdle was a director that behaved as many directors do, demanding impossible then changing their mind and wanting a different impossible.  (That part is still bugging me....I need to cut that lose the show is over now.)  Another part was I prayed about volunteering and I felt the answer to my prayer was to do this.  I am a firm believer that when the Lord asks you to do something, He will open a way for it to happen.  (Example, when Moses took the people of Israel out of bondage, they had the Red Sea on one side and the Egyptian army on the other.  The people walked through the Red Sea on dry land....scientist are still trying to find an explanation for that one.)  I tackled the rest to be done with two thoughts in mind:
1. God makes impossible into I'm possible.
2. I can't fix this.  Truly, I can't fix other people's choices, I can't fix unreasonable expectations, I can't fix what needed to be done. 

Reflection what did I learn from this:

1. The Lord provides in places I least expect.
2. DH has my back.  For three days of Thanksgiving break, I cut and he sewed costumes.  He is awesome.
3. I can put my perfectionism aside and allow other to express their ideas while setting limits.  Yup, I set boundaries and then let people be flexible within those boundaries. 
4.  I can't fix other people's choices but their choices do not need to set me off track of what I feel I need to do. People quit but the costumes were finished anyway.  (A big THANK YOU to my sister who spent countless hours helping me organize all the costumes.) 
5.  Expressing my needs other people stepped out of their comfort zone to help. 

Why did I do it?  I felt that the answer to my prayer was, 'Do it.'  The Lord made sure it happened.  I am relieved that it is almost over.  I mended the last costumes that needed repairs after the show.  I washed the last load of costumes.  Only thing left is waiting for boxes to put these costumes into storage for someone else to do if they ever decide to do it again.