Unsolicited Advice

My children let me know that as adults it is no longer ok to give unsolicited advice.  I felt hurt.  I only wanted to help.  A life long habit needed to be examined.  I shied away because I needed to get to a place where I was ready to listen. (aka I needed to be humble.)  An article popped up on Facebook and I saved it for weeks waiting.  Finally this morning I took my courage in both hands and started to read.  Instead of feeling attacked or put down the article gave examples of what it looks like and why it isn't healthy.  I am on the road to healthy so this approach kept me more open to what they were teaching me.  Then it pointed out why it is ineffective and harmful to relationships.  I am also in some groups online where people are looking for advice.  What to do?  The article pointed out that when people are looking for advice presenting information as "This is what I experienced...." or "One possibility is...." or another way "A suggestion you might consider....."  all implying that the listener is capable of making up their own mind and finding their own solution. 

https://sharonmartincounseling.com/unsolicited-advice

After reading the article, I thought what if I had not given unsolicited advice to my children?  What if I encouraged them to find their own solutions?  What if I had done differently?  Well I didn't but that doesn't mean I can't move forward with change in my heart and paying attention to how I share my thoughts and feelings with others.  Learning to listen more, problem solve yes.  My brain is hardwired to problem solve which was really good when my job was fixing computers.  Now I work with helping people, I need to re-access, examine, and consider how to take this information and more fully incorporate it in my life.  I have some thinking to do too. 

My counselor first proposed this concept to me years ago.  He describe raising kids is like playing football.  (Yup, raised my eyebrows at that one.) He went on to explain, when your kids are little you are out there on the field telling them exactly what to do like a quarter back.  When they grow to be teenagers you are the coach with a whistle shouting from the sideline.  Then all my kids became adults with children of their own, I throw away the whistle and I get POMPOMs to cheer them on.  I'm still working at what that looks like.  Sometimes they really do ask for my advice and I am challenged how to present any ideas in a way that is supportive and allowing them to make the final decision. 

Changing me is a life long journey.  I am thankful for advice I received over the years from others.  I want to pass on the good ideas and helps I received like passing the baton in a relay, I realize I need to do it in away that I am not beating them over the head with baton.  I am a work in progress.