Maybe...

Talent develops in tranquility, character in the full current of human life. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sometimes a quote is a maybe.  I developed my photographic talent in parallel with my counseling.  Sinking into the painting with light, the process, and discipline of photography helped me cope with the upheaval of counseling.  I decided counseling is much like a rock tumbler where everything is crashed together ripping off jagged and ill formed places break away to reveal the smooth clean rock below.  Whereas, photography can be like a still water.  Non silver photography is a slow methodical process requiring many hours to complete one picture.  Counseling on the other hand can rip my world apart in 45 minutes or less.  Some concepts are so difficult to process intellectually and emotionally that the rest of the body shuts down.  I learned that hearing goes first.  Really quite odd to be watching my counselor talk, I can see his mouth move but no sound reaches my mind.  The spirit seems to retreat inside the body until the body can no longer function on its own.  I noticed both of my counselors are way less than impressed when this happens.  Ultimate hiding is hiding within yourself until you don't even know where you are hidden.  Psychology describes this state as catatonia.  It is not a separate condition or state but a symptom that can be triggered by either mental or physical distress.  A level of stress so high that the body is incapable of continuing normal functions.  I reached this state on several occasions.  I learned to recognize the early symptoms and stop pushing myself for a time.  Other times it is similar to falling off a ledge and tumbling to a plane of chaotic stillness that allows time to suspend.  Telling some of my secrets triggered this response.  Memories that my mind reluctantly released with good reason.  Learning that I was an object to be maliciously used for someone else's perverse pleasure left me in such a terrible state.  At a later time, I could define no single emotion that was connected with this state.  More like a splashing of violent colors against a black screen.  Much like a finally of fireworks exploding inside my mind until all I see is the blackness and the flashes.  I work hard not to reach this state of confusion.  My thought is character develops with every decision that I make and talent develops as a counter balance to character.  One without the other leaves me off balanced.  Together, character and talent, help me to find a way to keep me from spinning out of control.

Finally speaking up

"Official Jimmy Thomas Fan Page"

Quote of the day: "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
Harvey Fierstein

*PS I met Jimmy Thomas one of the most sought after male models for covers of Romance novels.  He was kind and a blast to take pictures of.  Eyecandy in 3 D is always lovely.  

I spent most my life hiding the truth from myself and in the process everyone else.  Now, I am finally accepting my past and recognizing I don't get a different one.  I told my parents and they asked why didn't anyone say anything.  Fear is powerful.  The person that told was murdered.  This wasn't a one off in a back room but a premeditated attack on the children in the neighborhood.  The strange thing for me were the people that denied what happened once the man was arrested, convicted, and sent to jail.  The conspiracy of silence actually extended to people not directly involved.  I can only guess that they refused to believe anything bad could happen in 'their' neighborhood.  The illusion of safety in a 'nice' neighborhood was some how more important than the harm done to their children.  

I encountered another bully in a boss at the university that I worked.  I spoke up.  HR actually told me that if I didn't like my boss get a different job.  I went to Equal Opportunity and they recognized my boss's name.  Their file on him was huge.  The problem was he bullied everyone equally.  They informed me that it is not illegal to be a jerk.  Finally, his boss asked me to write an email describing what he had done wrong.  I asked them if they wanted it with or without documentation.  They were shocked when I sent them a 6 page email of his nasty behavior and a second 30 page email with documentation.  They gave me another boss.  Eventually, I was laid off when the opportunity came.  One of the "in-the-know" types informed me that the higher ups considered me a trouble maker.  The victim is blamed for the poor behavior of the bully.  Then, people wonder why people stay quiet about bullies.  The ones most likely punished are the victims and not the bullies.

In the zero tolerance schools, students are not allowed to fight back when they are picked on.  The rule of expelling everyone involved in a fight, leaves kids vulnerable to bullies that are sneaky and cleaver about their tactics.  Social media became a new avenue for attacking another person.  Then when the rage finally boils over people are wailing how did this happen?

I am learning that speaking up about bullies and abuse has a risk of its own.  Everything from denial to an increase of bullying, becomes possibilities.  I do believe speaking up is important.  I also recognize that sometimes someone else needs to speak up for you.  Not backing down from the truth about bullies is difficult when you are repeatedly told, "You misunderstood."  "They didn't realize that would bother you."  "Why are you so sensitive?  You need to have a thicker hide."  I actually heard a parent justify bullying his own children to toughen them up for the 'real' world.  I don't think bullies will ever go away.  I did teach my children that sometimes you have to fight back to get your message across that their behavior is not acceptable.  Bullies are often proud of the fear generated in others but almost all of them are cowards at heart and specifically pick on those that they consider weaker than themselves.  I learned a lot from Gandhi on how to stand my ground peacefully.  It is never easy but in my opinion totally worth it.   

To Life...

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

Oscar Wilde

I watched Fiddler On the Roof and loved the song "To Life..." Toasting the joy of living. The music is lively and upbeat.  The chorus is particularly interesting:

Be happy, be healthy, long life
And if our good fortune never comes
Here's to whatever comes

How many people are desperately seeking the good life only to find that they missed living it?

Another quote "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" English singer & songwriter (1940 - 1980)

How often people say....
      When I graduate, then I will be happy.
      When I get married, then I will be happy.
      When I get a new job, then I will be happy.
      When I get out of therapy, then I will be happy.

I watch so many people frantically scrambling through life meeting goals, checking task off their list, meeting others expectations yet spend very little time enjoying a sunset, holding a baby, petting a kitty, taking a moment to breath.  If it is not on the list, it just isn't done. 

New counselor asked me what was I like before the abuse happened to me?  I was 4 years old.  I remember at 5 watching my little sister and being totally enthralled with her.  I loved butterflies and rain.  From then to now, a lot has happened... There were so many moments and miracles that were lost in the shuffle of surviving.  I wonder if I would appreciate the sunrise as much if the dark didn't happen first?  I wonder if I would appreciate cuddling a grandchild so much if I hadn't struggled with feelings of suicide?  I wonder if I would appreciate food less if I hadn't gone hungry?  I believe trials and struggles are a curious thing.  Either I went numb from life or it heightened and sharpened every experience.  I felt both.  I enjoy the enhanced life over the numb life.  I am learning that I get to choose.  I am choosing LIVING. 

Tag Your IT.....

Playing tag… by Judy

The Invisible Shadow played, and invited anyone who wanted to play along.

http://theinvisibleshadow.wordpress.com/2012/03/17/playing-tag/

I decided to play. I needed to do something fun. :-)  Check out Judy's post for her answers.  

http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2012/03/30/playing-tab/

Now it is my turn

1. What happened on the best day of your life?

One best day is so hard to choose.  The best day I believe was the day I was born.  Couldn't do the rest without that.  After that there are all sorts of days that pop into my mind but there is a reoccurring theme.  My best days involve what I love, photography, family, and God. 

2. What is your greatest talent?

Still my first reaction is I have talents?...well of course I do, but a life time of hiding them does not help me write about them.  I think my willingness to learn new things from people and life is my greatest talent.  

3. What have you done in your life that makes you the most proud?

Watching my children raise their children with such love.

4. What do you believe in that others might doubt the reality of?

My past.  I know people that doubt what happened in my past.  They believe it was all made up and that I exaggerate to get attention.  There are easier ways to get attention.

5. If you could travel in time, when would you go?

Not too far back in time since I am very fond of indoor bathrooms.  Not too far forward since I wouldn't understand what was happening.  I am really working at learning to live in NOW.  So easy to slide back into wallowing in yesterday or dreaming in tomorrow.  Now seems slippery enough for me.

6. What’s your favorite holiday and why?

ALL of THEM.  However, Halloween has a very special place in my heart when Gypsy(Maria) could be herself without question.  Loved getting the candy.  Still trying to break the habit of buying bags and bags of candy after the holiday.  For religious reasons, I love Christmas and Easter.  For patriotic reasons, I love July 4th.  For renewing myself and bring hope to life I love the New Year.  For fairies and leprechauns Saint Patties day can't be forgotten.  Thanksgiving is for EATING...only time of the year that I bake pies, rolls, green bean casserole...on and on and on.  Veterans day to honor those that have paid such a terrible price to serve our country and protect freedoms I hold dear.  Valentine's day for all the romantics and of course CHOCOLATE.  Yup.  I love holidays.  

7. Any time in your life that you would like to have a ‘do-over’? Explain if you can.

I think I finally reached my goal that I set when I read the book A Child Called It.  Dave Pelzer said, "I like the man I am today, and I would not be that man if I did not have the experiences I had."  I like who I am today and my experiences are what made me who I am today.  Tomorrow I can do better and improve what I did today.

8. What’s your favorite movie and why?

Harry Potter... All of them... All the good guys fight evil and win.  Favorite speech in the movie is Nivelle Longbottom in the last battle. 

9. If you could spend one day doing anything you wanted, what would it be?

Not enough hours in the day.  Spending time with my kids and taking photographs.  Oh yea...eating. 

10. What are your views on social media?

My children dragged me protesting into the world of social media and like anything social I was terrified.  But you know, most the people I encountered are quite lovely.  The longer I am there the more I enjoy sharing snippets and pieces of lives that touch mine.  My friends now span the globe and I am still afraid to meet my neighbor.  (Heavy sigh.)

11. Have you ever broken the law and what did you do?  You needn’t answer if it will get you thrown in the pokey.

With most my childhood missing, I wasn't sure.  I know I tried shoplifting penny candy, thought better of and returned it.  I love to drive fast.  Mostly I am a great believer of respecting others and most laws are set up because someone didn't respect someone else or their belongings.  Some laws if you do your research and are down right silly.  Read about a small town that still had a law about not letting a women's knees show in a dress.  Yup, I would have been arrested repeatedly for that one. 

Who is playing too:
Jonsi  http://jonsi-jonsi.blogspot.com/2012/03/playing-tag.html

Homework....

Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh. Katharine Hepburn

One of the most interesting things about counseling is homework.  Yup, I get homework.  There is no way that I could sort out my messy life in less than an hour a week.  If I just went to blah, blah, blah...I could do that anywhere.  I would end up with lots of people avoiding me but I pay someone to sit patiently while I sort out my mess.  I have had two really good counselors that give me some awesome suggestions for looking at my world differently.  Mind you, I don't always like what they have to say.  Some times I get down right pissed about it.  But if my own ideas were working well, I wouldn't be looking for another perspective.  Having someone else shine a light on things differently changes an entire picture.  Happened again tonight.  A single statement from NewCounselor and I am reassessing my perspective all the way home.  My home work...what was I like before I was messed up.  I was 4 years old.  Hadn't started school yet.  I have grandchildren older than that.  On facebook one of my DDs posted my son holding his little daughter up over him while he was leaning back in a chair.  The delight they were sharing was just awesome.  A time when the world was beautiful with soft kitties and pretty flowers and lovely colors.  I loved the world.  I loved watching ants.  I loved watching spiders.  I loved watching birds.  I loved petting kitties.  I loved dancing.  I would dance anywhere and everywhere.  My cousin had a ballerina costume that I tried on and they took my picture.  I loved the beach and the sand on the water and the swishing sound of the waves.  I loved the smell of cut grass.  I loved the irrigation that would sometimes bring crawdads.  You know, I still love all those things.  I was helping at a elementary school.  The children were gathered at the edge of the irrigation gawking at the strange creature floundering in the water.  I recognized a washed up crawdad.  I became an instant hero when I took off my shoes and ran a rescue mission.  I scooped the crawdad into a jar of irrigation water and released it into a canal.  Kids were amazed to watch this adult wade out into the stinky water for a crawdad.  We did warn them that the kids were not allowed to help me.  My photographs are a record of all the amazing things I find where ever I go.  Herons, hawks, and ducks at the park.  All the animals at the zoo.  Flowers abundant everywhere.  Sunsets that are just breath taking.  Yup, I am going to love my homework. 

Go Dog, Go!

Oooo Glitter

Flutterbyes

Arial fishing

Hut...2...3...4

Better than a crayon box

Owning it...

Nope, not my car.

Have you ever noticed that when someone says they, "Own it."  They are usually talking about something nice...You know.
"I own a Mustang."
"I own a Mercedes."
"I own a Ferrari."
They do not say..."I own a jalopy."  That is something that just comes into their life but they do not talk about owning it. 

I thought a lot this week about owning my past.  Looks a lot like a jalopy to me.  Then, I remembered that we did own a 3-tone pickup truck that had to be started with a screw driver.  Yup, I had to stand on the bumper with the hood up and use a LONG screw driver to make contact between the battery and the starter.  Just awesome in the winter time in Spokane, Washington.  3-tone meant the hood was one color, the doors were another color and the body was kind of a gross maroon that looked half oxidized and ready to fall apart.  I was really proud of that pickup.  We had a much nicer car but also just had an uninsured baby.  To help pay off the hospital bill, we sold the car and bought this old beater pickup.  It would some times pop out of gear if you weren't careful and I would have to retrieve it from down the hill.  Luckily there wasn't much traffic in the area.  The heater worked and that was good.  I learned a lot driving that truck...always turn the wheels into the curb on an incline that way I didn't have to go far to retrieve it.  I really can start a vehicle with a screw driver.  I learned that my kids were more important than any old car.  I learned to be really thankful to finally get back into a car with shocks and other nice things to make a drive a lot more comfortable. 

I guess my past is a lot like that old pick up.  Not much to look at with plenty of problems...but there are things that I learned from it.  For example:

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names can totally destroy me.
Kindness is worth more than all the education in the world.
Gentleness is not weak.
Protecting those weaker than yourself IS the prime directive.
People that are nice in public, but nasty behind closed doors, are not nice people.
Someone that is different is not someone to laugh at.
Feelings are important...all of them.
There are worse things than dying.  
Evil really does exist.
Respecting a child makes a huge difference in their life. 
There are some people that, no matter how nice you are to them, they enjoy hurting other people.
This body is mine to care for or abuse but I am the one that pays the price.
Not everyone is thrilled to be my friend.
Putting up with pain does no one any good.
Peace at all cost, costs everything.
Jesus Christ is my savior and I need Him.

Yea, my past is an old jalopy.  I learned a lot from it but I doubt anyone wants to trade me.