Sunday, January 31, 2016

Life is made of moments

I first saw this in an email years ago. 

Last Ride
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift, I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.
Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice.
I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she asked.
I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and she would sit, staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said.
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We are conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID ~BUT~THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
At the bottom of this great story was a request to forward this - I deleted that request because if you have read to this point, you won't have to be asked to pass it along, you just will...
Thank you, my friend...
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. J.L.



Thursday, January 28, 2016

Back on my feet

Last semester was rocky and emotionally devastating.  No recovery time before the "Holiday Slam."  Each year, I have creative ways of coping but I am still coping.  Some days I am tired of the uphill battle.  Then January hits...woohoo.  My emotions settle out.  I started a new semester.  I am feeling like I can tackle the world.   Not all at once but a little.  I am back to researching different aspects of living with PTSD.  I accepted a while ago that PTSD will be my long term thorn in my side.  Every once in a while it fades to the back ground.  I feel smug that it is 'over.'  Then I am hit with a trigger that sends me in a tail spin or my body simply quits working with the tell tale sensation of loss of all energy instantly.  I go back to basics to get myself going again and again and again.  I figure if I have to live with it, I'm going to minimize its impact.  I am also working on the concept of capitalizing on its affects.  For example, hyper-awareness is a bonus driving the freeway.  Internal rage burner when tamped down and channeled makes a formidable fuel to my life engine.  Depression stops it.  Release the depression, unleash controlled emotions focused on a goal almost guarantees success.  Learning to control it and allow my feelings move me forward is a crazy balancing act that enough to propel me forward but not so much to burn me out.  This year is looking like a challenge that I am ready to take on. 


Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Validation

Today I was able to validate a coworker's frustration with a situation.  I knew a meeting was coming up and I prayed that morning I would have the courage to say what I thought.  My speaking up changed the whole tone of the meeting.  I'm not sure if there will be fall out but I am glad I shared my perspective which validated what another person was saying. 

I also spent part of the day with toddlers.  I enjoy playing with play dough, cuddling, and crayons.  I feel rejuvenated by being juvenile.  Happy this evening. 


Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Article I agree with

Judy, my sister, posted a link to an awesome article that debunks the oft spoken phrase "God won't give you more than you can handle." https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2016/01/24/a-bit-of-inspiration-30/

The article articulates what I felt for a long time.  Suffering is sent that can break you.  If it won't break you, why would you need God?  I expressed this before to some people and been reamed out for flying in the face of their belief.   That this life should be easy. 
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/yes-god-will-give-you-more-you-can-handle

If life is a test shouldn't it be difficult?  If a broken heart is a requirement, won't things happen that will break your hear?  'If you can't stand it, try your knees' is a far more logical mantra.   

I've broken.  I believe that Christ had a hand in my healing.  I couldn't do it without Him.  I believe a loving Heavenly Father sees me differently and my experience as a refining process I barely comprehend.  I am thankful for angels that walk among us.  My sister is one of those angels. 


Thursday, January 21, 2016

Where does it come from?

Anger shows up early in life.  Many a parent of a toddler can share horror stories of angry tantrums seemingly to maximize the parents embarrassment. Babies can go from googoo happy to screaming rage in split seconds.  I don't believe parents set the example of laying on the floor kicking and crying.  I could be wrong.  Children feel anger.  I am thankful to my counselor, KavinCoach, that taught me that anger is a secondary emotion.  If you take the time to analyze what is zipping through your emotions hurt, fear or frustration came first.  To add to the confusion, quite often it is a combination that sets off the rage.  When I started counseling, my therapist seemed to be fascinated at how I could make anger vanish.  Part of his therapy was to piss me off then listen to what I raged about, however, I wouldn't get mad.  I would start to get angry, I would recognize the emotion, then I would make it go away.  Progress was slow.  Like trying to beat down a pillow wall.  It gives instead of breaking.  But that is how I survived.  I gave instead of breaking.  Sadly, I gave so much, me as a person completely vanished at times.  First, my counselor taught me to allow the anger I felt.  Then he slowed down my reaction to feel the emotion that came before.  This took several years of work.  I was persistent because what I was doing before helped me to survive but that was all I was doing, staying alive one day or 5 minutes at a time.  Living is feeling emotions.  Numb is not thriving, it is existing.  It is not healing either.  It is a living coma.  I did this.  Not fun.  Don't wish away your ability to feel. 


Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Celebrating with my sister

She finished her 8th book for the Holiday series. 

 https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/woohoo-done-2/

I love creating the book covers to with what she writes.  Look up Laurel Hawkes to find all her books.


http://www.amazon.com/Laurel-Hawkes/e/B00J625XDM