Ain't good at loving myself

Purpose Fairy is a favorite of mine on Facebook.  She posts a lot of thought provoking images and quotes. One I saved has a picture of a big jar that has a spigot that is almost empty but the cups keep coming to be filled up.  "If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself. ~Barbara De Angelis

If this had been the first time I read something like this I probably would have hit like and moved on.  But this hit a painful spot for me that KavinCoach had first showed me it was there.  He asked me, "If you don't love yourself, how are you going to love anyone else?"  I shut down completely when he asked me the first time.  I felt like a fraud and terribly exposed and miserable.  Felt like he was kicking me when I was down.  Fortunately, I worked with him long enough to know that is not his style.  He was attempting to break through a crust shell of self hatred that was a legacy left from the pedophile blaming me for harm that he had done.  A child is not to clear in realizing who is responsible for actions.  As an adult I needed to review how I felt about myself.  Before integration, I joked that I was run by a committee that hated each other.  KavinCoach took me on an odyssey of learning to love myself.  Some days it is really slow going.  Sunday I noticed for the first time in my memory that I didn't have to pass out when I was sick to stay down.  Yup.  We had company last Sunday and I was sick.  I stayed in my robe and didn't jump up and make a meal.  It was different.  I realized somewhere along the way that I am worth taking care of.  I enjoy doing things for my family and it is ok to do things for me.  Resentment dogged me through the years, recognizing the source I can cut off the supply that feeds it.  I was feeding my own resentment.  This is a long time coming.  Sometimes looking into my own soul is spooky but learning to love my own soul I no longer feel afraid.