Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Narcissistic bullies

I am not sure if all Narcissistics are bullies or all bullies are Narcissistics.  Or if it looks more like a Venn Diagram with parts over lapping.

Another theory I am working on is the possibility that malignant narcissistic are overt behavior bullies whereas an engulfing narcissistic use more covert behaviors to control others.  Why do I even bother to work it out?  One of the more freeing things I learned was that my mother's behavior was all about her.  I also accepted that she bullied me.  Standing up for myself was difficult.  My counselor was horrified when I told him I could count on one hand how many times I had stood up for myself.  From a young age, I felt I couldn't win.  I would always be beaten down or things would just get worse.  The fear instilled in me systematically over the years left me with very little belief that my thoughts, feelings or opinions stood for anything.  My self esteem played hide and seek down in the lower sub-regions of some dungeon.  To me, what is empowering is allowing my mother to own her behavior.  She did certain things to me because she choose to, not because I was bad or out of line.  She made choices to harm me.  Thanksgiving time is my best example.  I don't know what happened in her childhood that makes Thanksgiving miserable for her.  For many years, I believed her when things went wrong and I was blamed.  I didn't help my mother enough, I wasn't fast enough, I didn't do what she asked when she would give me contradictory commands.  The list went on and on of the infractions I did that would cause her to lash out yelling at me.  Over the years it was less yelling but more subtle put downs and slights and anxiety.  After recognizing my FOO was unhealthy and no matter how I behaved I was going to get crapped on, I chose to stop attending Thanksgiving dinner at their house.  The relief the first year was tremendous.  I hadn't realized how much I dreaded this yearly ordeal of ritual gorging.  Don't get me wrong, I love food and Thanksgiving is a food festival.  There in lay the key.  My mother made it an ordeal instead of a celebration of bounty.  Gluttonous mounds of food laced with dieting woes and lectures.  The meal was agony for me.  I stopped going.  I still enjoy Thanksgiving with my FOC but no more interaction with my mother on that day.  I felt like I dropped a boulder and watched it tumble away.  She could no longer heap her feelings of guilt for eating on to me.  I took myself out of the loop.  That is what I learned about in this class on bullying in school.  I learned the need to break the loop.  Scuttle the pattern of behaviors.  If you always do what you have always done, you always get what you always got.  I can observe the behaviors, analyze outcomes, and change the patterns of a lifetime.  I actually look forward to Thanksgiving, green bean casserole and chocolate pudding pie Here I Come.
   

3 comments:

Judy said...

Thanksgiving is a whole different holiday without all the drama.

Unknown said...

I love this post. :-)

I also find I can be infinitely more 'thankful' when I don't have to be waiting for the axe to fall!

I like that you have been able to squarely put the ownership of the 'problem' straight back on your mother, where it belongs! Clever of you to figure it was food-guilt that was motivating her lashing out.

My NM INSISTS on having Christmas and Thanksgiving each year. Even when she agreed to give up every other Christmas so we could celebrate with our respective in-laws, she'd throw a fit on the off-years, and I'd get it in the neck from EF for "ruining Christmas last year".

She INSISTS on cooking, and then hates us all for putting her in the role! Every time! It's so weird - she can't handle not being the 'matriarch', but she also can't handle not having the opportunity to resent the whole lot of us (myself especially) for relying on her to make the meals.

Oh, and she can't cook at all. She really sucks at it. And yes, she also always comments on my weight at the meals.

Good luck figuring out the NM motivations (and bullying!)! It's confusing! Thinking a Mobius Strip is going to factor in somehow.. a cycle stuck on repeat, one face then the other...!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your experience. I can totally relate to it.

I've always had a fear of protecting myself but have been more than able to stand up for others. It took me a while to figure out why I had the "doomed if you do and doomed if you don't" attitude as well as a belief that it was safer to allow others to hurt me than to stand up for myself. As you can imagine... I was a magnet for bullies!

It's great to hear that you've started taking preventative action and are enjoying Thanksgiving.

All the best.