Judy shared a link that sent chills up my spine. I didn't think I could learn anything else about my NM that I hadn't already dissected with one of my counselors. I spent a couple of years just discussing our relationship or lack of. Lifebegins45 first posted this and Judy felt it was important enough to share, too. I agree so here it is for the 3rd time: http://covertabuse.com/2012/06/16/feigning-negative-emotions-fear/
Why did I feel this was so important? People have emotions. Some people like me disconnect from them. However, there is another group of people that emotions are their weapon of choice. I struggled with comprehending why or how anyone could do this. I have written before about the 'lessons' my NM gave me on how to use fear to manipulate others. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that in showing me the tricks of the trade, so to speak, that she was teaching me how she manipulated me. This article takes this knowledge one step farther in depth of how emotions can be used like a whip. This covert abuse also requires secrecy. How many times did I have my mother reveal her 'emotions' only to make me promise not to tell my father? At first, I felt privileged to have an inside understanding of my mother. I didn't know it was her way of manipulating me and alienating me from my father. She isolated me from the rest of the family for many years. Kind of a cutting me off from the herd so I wouldn't realize that the strangeness about the relationship was her and not me. She continually reinforced my inadequacies. One paragraph jumped off the page in significance.
"Covert abusers faking fear are thieves, stealing your reality, the experiences they are putting you through, and making it their own to enable them to continue what they are accusing you of! It’s convoluted. It’s crazy-making. It’s covert abuse."
I finally made sense of some of the strange comments made to me about being kinder to my mother. For some reason, it hadn't occurred to me that not only did she lie about her emotions to me she also lied to others. My DH reported back that she was complaining that I had not come to visit in a long time. I eat breakfast at her house every Saturday. I don't know what all she had said but I better understand that it is happening.
Jonsi shared a long list of quotes about narcissistic people and other related behaviors.
http://jonsi-jonsi.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-silence-is-what-drives-them-crazy_16.html
Which one is your favorite?
5 comments:
it is crazy making when we all stop and compare notes, isn't it!
Yes, it is.
Thanks for sharing Jonsi's list! Somehow I missed it. I love several of those. It was interesting to me to see the quote about people not being born bad but choosing it over and over and over through giving up a little self-respect for self-interest.
My MN "Mother" used "fear" as a tool of manipulation in a variety of contexts (including Forced Teaming against Dad) particularly post NC. She contacted the Police where ever I moved/was living at the time and told them she "Hadn't heard from me" and was "VERY concerned for my safety" and sent them to my current address at all hours of the night for a "Wellness Check." Repeatedly. Years post total NC she enlisted the help of Private Non-Profits to "locate" me despite sending snail mail letters directly to my address. She also used the Social Security Administration claiming to not know my where-abouts, who then sent inquiries directly to my place of employment.
Another fear-inducing tactic was her use of Private Investigators who very obviously followed me/my family/my friends taking pictures, parking in front of my home for hours-or just down the road, to very obviously going through my trash that was curb-side for pick up etc.
Her ability to manipulate so many different people-no doubt, well intended individuals-in different agencies (Private and Public) over an 18 yr. period speaks to her sadistic pleasure in causing embarrassment (minimally) and attempting to inculcate fear in me. No doubt she presented as a poor, pitiful old lady who was desperately attempting to "find" her ADULT daughter (I was well in my 30's/40's/50's) to whom she was concurrently sending avalanches of hate-filled or guilt/obligation /chastising snail mail directly to my current address no matter how frequently I moved. She also managed to procure an obviously illegal phone tap (verified by the phone company) on my very unlisted home phone of which I was unaware for probably a few years. She started making references directly to conversations I had, word for word "sentences" sprinkled in her snail mail letters which I generally simply dumped in the trash unread unless the pattern changed. What good was the phone tap unless I knew about it at some point?
She destroyed my first career post-under grad through sliming/maligning/calling my mental health into question by contacting Supervisors and Directors at the agency where I was employed and had a High Security Clearance and stating, "I should KNOW. After all, I'm her MOTHER!" I had moved several states from where I completed undergrad and had no idea she was doing this until an annual Performance Review where her calls and the content were disclosed to me. She ambushed me at a Safe House associated with my employment which was VERY chilling: How she would know the location and more importantly, that I would be there that particular day indicates to me someone further up in the Agency was likely corrupt and susceptible to bribery.
These are just a few of the fear-inducing tactics she used throughout the years in her attempts to isolate me, make me appear paranoid, unstable etc. Essentially she used my intense dislike of scenes, of not discussing my personal life in my Professional world and generally being a private person in conjunction with the label "Mother" to manipulate others and create a climate of fear. Her agenda was retribution and if possible, total annihilation of her "Target." Who had the unfortunate "luck" to be born to an individual who viewed her "child" as a possession.
TW
Your welcome Judy.
TW this explains so much of your understanding of anyone that suffers at the hands of their FOO. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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