with what you can do."
- John Wooden
Click Here For Success Tip # 092
I thought I was done with writing about bullies for awhile. Then I was talking it over with my sister on our walk and decided I wasn't quite finished. I also read one of my regular blogs that I wanted to share her post about the secrecy that can occur around bullying. Sometimes bullying/abuse/violence is hidden from everyone accept the target/victim. This adds another layer of fear and isolation.
Lifebegins45 shared her story with the hope that someone will read it and know they are not alone. This is her link: http://lifebegins45.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/the-dirty-little-secret/
Her story touched my heart and my experience of being my pedophile's 'dirty little secret.' When I was 8 years old this was all very confusing and frightening. Now, I learn it is no less confusing or frightening as an adult.
What perpetuates some of this stuff...? Hazelden shared in the powerpoint 'Respect and Protect: Violence Prevention and Intervention' that two of the fuels for violence are entitlement and tolerance. I really sat up and listened for this part. In entitlement, the person that feels entitled believes the rules apply to everyone except him/her. The exact quote, "Entitlement is the belief that people have the right to use violence or threats of violence to express feelings, meet needs, or satisfy desires." The part that make entitlement possible is tolerance. "Tolerance occurs when violence is accepted as the norm by adults or young people who ignore, rationalize, or minimize incidents of violence." I experienced all this. My counselor took many sessions getting me to see that how I was treated was a violation of my human rights and decency. He pointed out that servants were treated better. I felt bewildered and hurt because I started remembering the times I did tell. I was told how I was the cry baby. They reminded me that I was part of it. I was told that 'boys will be boys' and that a certain amount of rough play is just part of growing up. If I showed them bruises, they laughed about how clumsy I was to have all those bruises. Minimized, rationalized or just plain ignored were the legacy given to me by the adults in my life. When my kids were growing up, I tried to do things differently. This is difficult without an example to follow. I hope that I became an adult that takes bullying seriously. I hope that I am a person that will not tolerate violence in action or words. I hope I am the person that says enough is enough. My counselor calls it setting healthy boundaries. Here is the irony, when I did set boundaries, I was told how mean and unreasonable I was being. Protecting yourself is not being a bully or unreasonable. Now, I know I have rights as a human being and I intend to protect those rights.
For anyone interested in writing their own human rights list you can check out what I wrote with my counselor. http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2012/06/powerful-list.html
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| Roots of violence spread in secrecy. |
2 comments:
Ruth, I can relate to this post all too well. I had bad experiences as a child, but my parents were sweet and kind (for the most part). I couldn't imagine going through all of that AT the hands of your parents. I met a pedophile too. 7 years of "victim" later, and you have me. I understand about entitlement (as in your entry) as well as tolerance. I was pre-groomed to be a victim, though my Mom didn't know that's what she was teaching me. It's what she learned and was the only way she knew. I have learned that when you start setting boundaries, it doesn't mean that the urge to be tolerant goes away. It does mean, however, that you become stronger in that instant. This is a powerful thing. Each time you make the choice to "matter", you gain some self-confidence and pride. You might feel that familiar pang of fear, but it isn't followed by that ONE MORE bad experience. I assume you are a lot like me, in that. We tend to be 'hush hush' about personal needs, wants and boundaries. That allows for all manner of abuse to come our way. We lose our voice, lose our ability to fight, and we just "allow"in order to get it over with. This is always followed by embarrassment and guilt, and the constant drilling by our own psyches that we shouldn't have allowed someone to use us. when we set boundaries, the fear of anger sets in, but the abuse has no room to fester. Nip it in the bud. Great post!
Thank you. I am noticing the more I respect myself the less I let others hurt me. Nipping it in the bud is where it needs to be done.
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