I know from my own experience that defining what I mean by depression from the beginning is very important. I still remember yelling at a doctor, “I know what depression is and I would know it, if I felt it.” This statement followed when a doctor at a Neurological wing of a hospital told me I was depressed and didn’t know it. I didn’t understand how I would not know I was in such a dark pit that suicide seemed reasonable. Since that epic moment, I learned two things. (The moment was epic because I hardly ever stand up for myself on anything. Too bad, the one of the few times I did, I was completely wrong.) One: that depression, like many things in life, is on a continuum from the slightest feeling of I am sad or I am angry and can’t deal with it right now so I will depress that emotion to a later time to the mind numbing darkness that makes suicide* seem reasonable. Second: I learned that I could have all sorts of feelings and not have a clue that I was feeling anything at all, the power of dissociative behavior. I really do owe that doctor an apology.
Today I will try to tackle a definition that is fairly reasonable and can be done in a blog. (I have read entire books on depression. Really depressing reading.) One of the books I read had an entire chapter on ‘baby blues’ at this point in time I learned that you don’t have to be crying at a drop of a hat to be depressed. Childhood conditioning taught me not to cry, except in extreme circumstances. (Before counseling, I could count on one hand how many times I had cried and tell you why.) After reading the book I realized I had every symptom except crying. For my purpose, I use the continuum idea to help visualize what I mean by depression. On the very lightest end of depression are those moments in time that I feel sad, disappointed, discouraged but a change of thinking, morning, or distraction and the feeling disperses. Every person that is not dissociated has these moments of feeling down. Moving down the continuum the feelings increase in depth and longevity until waking up in the morning gives a break from nightmares and going back to sleep lets you hide from the grinding hopelessness called living. A few days can be grueling, a few weeks see a doctor or counselor, a few years quality of life comes to a place that curling up into the fetal position and staying that way seems reasonable.
FYI
*Suicide to me is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. In my way of thinking, nothing in this world is permanent except death. Being Christian, that is also temporary.
Normal I tend to try to avoid using the word ‘normal’ to define the average feeling since what is ‘normal’ can be effected by environment, culture and other influences. What is normal for a penguin at the South pole would be considered down right odd for a lizard in the desert. Normal gets a lot of razing from me since my favorite quote is “normal is a setting on a drier.” Normal in a way is that vague thing that most people do and could change.
Today I will try to tackle a definition that is fairly reasonable and can be done in a blog. (I have read entire books on depression. Really depressing reading.) One of the books I read had an entire chapter on ‘baby blues’ at this point in time I learned that you don’t have to be crying at a drop of a hat to be depressed. Childhood conditioning taught me not to cry, except in extreme circumstances. (Before counseling, I could count on one hand how many times I had cried and tell you why.) After reading the book I realized I had every symptom except crying. For my purpose, I use the continuum idea to help visualize what I mean by depression. On the very lightest end of depression are those moments in time that I feel sad, disappointed, discouraged but a change of thinking, morning, or distraction and the feeling disperses. Every person that is not dissociated has these moments of feeling down. Moving down the continuum the feelings increase in depth and longevity until waking up in the morning gives a break from nightmares and going back to sleep lets you hide from the grinding hopelessness called living. A few days can be grueling, a few weeks see a doctor or counselor, a few years quality of life comes to a place that curling up into the fetal position and staying that way seems reasonable.
FYI
*Suicide to me is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. In my way of thinking, nothing in this world is permanent except death. Being Christian, that is also temporary.
Normal I tend to try to avoid using the word ‘normal’ to define the average feeling since what is ‘normal’ can be effected by environment, culture and other influences. What is normal for a penguin at the South pole would be considered down right odd for a lizard in the desert. Normal gets a lot of razing from me since my favorite quote is “normal is a setting on a drier.” Normal in a way is that vague thing that most people do and could change.
Resources:
Define:depression
dictionary.com reason #2 the state of being depressed. (That is so not helpful.)
#5 Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression. (At this point I always want to ask, “Warranted by who?”)
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&defl=en&q=define:depression&sa=X&ei=-DN1TMKXH5C-sAPo-bygDQ&ved=0CBwQkAE
http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=2947
Signs
Helpguide.org http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
WebMD
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-symptoms-and-types
Mayo Clinic
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=symptoms
2 comments:
It is daunting to realize I've spent my whole life in depression. Now, add guilt because surely being Christian means I should be happy, shouldn't it? Being Christian has kept me from giving up completely. Being Christian gives me hope enough to struggle through another day.
Depression and Christianity will be a future blog entry. Thanks for being in tune to share the thought.
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