Mixed emotions

Every year this time of year is a confluence of mixed emotions threatening to obliterate me or catapult me into my murky and screwed up past.  Then I remember a project I did in wood for art class. 

Treasured pieces
Forgotten past
Lost in the recesses of a suppressed mind.
The facade cracks – the filth of my past oozes into my consciousness.
In this filthy river are bits and pieces of treasured moments.
Collect them Polish them Store them where they are safe.
Bring them out and remember. 
Life can be good. 
Moments can be precious. 
Savor the good that exists.
I can not change my past. 
I can decide my future 
Do I spread the ooze or 
Create moments to be treasured?
Only I decide.

Written by me (2009)

Halloween to Valentines Day I struggle to sort out the good, the bad and the ugly.  I want to do so much then ugly overwhelms and I want to hibernate until March.  Nothing is peaceful for me this time of year.  I want happiness and joy and peace but it is difficult when memories of stress and sorrow and chaos crowd my mind.  My own mistakes, broken promises and short comings become crystal clear.  Another round of missed birthdays, plans I don't follow through on and this year I really put myself in a pickle by volunteering to help with something that I expected to be much different than it turned out to be.  I'm sad.  I did this to myself.  I feel like sometimes I make my life miserable to replicate the angst of childhood.  To make things feel 'normal.'  I'm thankful to my first counselor that taught me that normal is only true when placed in context.  I found a quote that satisfies my need for a definition, "Normal is a setting on a drier."