Tell me one thing that I do which makes your mental health better?

  This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter.  I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children.  I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)


http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2014/09/19/tell-me-one-thing-that-i-do-which-makes-your-mental-health-better-qtapwmi-day-08/

8. Tell me one thing that I do which makes your mental health better?

I feel concern for the question behind the question.  Are you asking me if you can fix my mental health issues?  Not anyone's responsibility to fix me except me. If you are simply asking how to make your mother feel better keep in mind I am a person.  I love visiting with you.  I appreciate your trust when you let me come and babysit your children. PTSD is a problem that is in my life but doesn't define who I am.  I like walks, taking grandkids to the park, visiting, playing games, all sorts of things bring an element of fun and Joy.  My mental illness rarely leaves my side but it still isn't me.  I know there are days you would debate this.  However, I worked for a long, long time working at separating myself from my illness.  Your love and acceptance does wonderful things in my life.  My mental health is my responsibility.  I have watched my mental health decrease over the past few months.  It is my responsibility to find a new counselor to help me since what I am doing on my own is working.  Your love supports me and reminds me why it is worth continuing the uphill battle.  I don't want PTSD to be my life.  I want your dad, my sister, and all of you to be the most important thing in my life.  

Rebel Maven

Facebook game of picking your crafter name.  My friend loves to do crafts and she is very good.  She likes posting fun things and I appreciate what she shares.  This time, out of curiosity, I followed the instructions.  My new crafter name was Rebel Maven.  I didn't know what a Maven was.  Looked it up.

Totally cracked me up:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/maven
:  one who is experienced or knowledgeable :  expert; also :  freak 4a 

I'm a rebellious expert freak.  How cool is that?


Someone asked me how I learned so much about computers.  ( I worked as a computer tech for 14 years.)  I grinned and replied, "You know the book, 'Read Me First?'  I did."  I've learned all sorts of things from books.  There are several things that reading doesn't work, cooking and feelings.  Those you just need to do it. 

What positives do you think your mental illness brings to our relationship?

 This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter.  I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children.  I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)

http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2014/09/19/what-positives-do-you-think-your-mental-illness-brings-to-our-relationship-qtapwmi-day-07/

7. What positives do you think your mental illness brings to our relationship?

Something positive about mental illness?  I feel that is a bit like Betsie asking Corrie to thank God for the fleas.  (The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom) Bad parts stick out so grossly it is hard to look for the silver linings.  In this day and age of look for the positive, count your blessings, see the bright side, and other cheerful cliches I tend to get grumpy but I know this; God knows how to make fertilizer out of manure.  He turned dinosaur carcases into fuel we use today.  He turned Joseph being sold into Egypt into a blessing for a whole nation and his family.  God took a stuttering Moses and led the Israelites out of bondage and through the Red Sea.  A timid Esther became a queen to save her people.  Carbon under pressure becomes a diamond.  As a teenager I had a poster that proclaimed, "You can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." ~ Abraham Lincoln.  I have many pictures of stunning clouds creating beauty out of cloudy days.  I sometimes struggle to see the good.  Mental illness took so much I wanted to give. 

Deep breath.

My illness made it possible for each of you kids to find strength at a young age.  Your compassion for me built a bound that I cherish.  Each of you learned that the only failure is giving up.  I watch each of you work at helping others like you helped me.  I watch your compassion for others and feel awe at your strength. I also don't try to tell you what to do.  I can barely manage my own life so I can cheer on the sideline without trying to interfere in your life.  I didn't punish you for not cleaning your room.  My room was the messy one in the house so I couldn't say anything.  Your Dad and I worked at teaching you to make your own decisions.  On the weird side, one of you complimented me on being available to talk any time day or night.  Three hours of sleep a night meant I was awake most of the time that you were.  I was also thanked for my obsession with food and making sure plenty of good food was available all the time.  I keep reminding myself that when God turns carbon into diamonds it takes time and pressure.  I had plenty of pressure now I am just trying to be patient for God to turn my mental illness into something really awesome that will bless all of our lives.

Why do you pull away and isolate from me, when your mental health is bad?

 This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter.  I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children.  I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)

http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2014/09/17/why-do-you-pull-away-and-isolate-from-me-qtapwmi-day-06/

6. Why do you pull away and isolate from me, when your mental health is bad?

My first counselor told me a story that helped me put in to words why I withdraw that might help.  Imagine it is Prom night and I am all dressed ready to go.  My dress is gorgeous and I took time to curl my hair.  As I walk from the car, someone runs towards me and dumps filthy oil over my head and down my dress.  My friends see me in the parking lot and come over to greet me.  I pull away so the filthy oil won't get on them.  What I don't know is that I am the only one that sees or feels the oil.  I try to stay away to protect those I love.   The answer is related to yesterday's question.  My desire is to protect you from me.

During my high school years, I kept posters on my walls.  All of the posters were there to encourage and motivate except one.  The one over my bed described how I felt as a teenager.  

I am like shattered glass

Cutting those who touch me

I have been broken

I am hard and sharp

People can see through me.

They know I can hurt them

I am never confronted

I am always walked around.

– Lori Gauntlet

 I felt my brokenness in high school.  My parents denied my truth.  I wanted to believe their perception.  I isolate myself to keep me from hurting others. 

Another reason I isolate myself is as the internal pressure builds I am less and less able to process incoming information.  First, I lose the ability to hear.  Next, my speech slurs making communication almost impossible.  Then my vision reduces to tunnel vision.  My body shuts down and I sleep.  When I waken hours later, I feel like I am swimming through scalding molasses.  My skin feels raw.  The slightest touch is excruciatingly painful.  If I am alone, I am not embarrassed by my increasing debilitation.  If I am alone, no one can touch me.  If I am alone, there is no need to explain.  I simply allow the shadow warrior, PTSD, to win for awhile.  I concede defeat quietly.  Waiting to fight another day.  I prefer not to have anyone watch my defeat.  I also learned that when you children watched it as children it was very scary.  I don't wish to scare anyone especially those I love. 







 

When your mental health is bad do you try to protect me from it, and why?

 This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter.  I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children.  I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)

http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2014/09/16/when-your-mental-health-is-bad-do-you-try-to-protect-me-from-it-and-why-qtapwmi-day-05/

5.  When your mental health is bad do you try to protect me from it, and why?

 Yes is the first part of the question.  Why is much more difficult to write about.  Through the years each of you children have witnessed a time when PTSD had the upper hand in my life.  Your looks of fear are etched in my mind and I am fully aware that I caused that fear.  You knew the rule don't touch mother while she is sleeping.  That moment of time before I was fully awake and I knew who was waking me up was enough time for me to do something that frightened you.  It was not my intent to cause fear in your life.  Controlling my reaction to be woken up is impossible until I am fully awake.  Yes, I am trying to protect you from my worse self.  I believe that is true of every emotionally healthy parent.  A desire to protect children is good and worthy.  I am so sad that the danger is me.

 I know that one of my emotional defaults is dissociation.  To you I appear, cold and uncaring.  The opposite is true but this emotional armor I wear to survive PTSD looks like I don't care about you.  I want to protect you from this cold, careless behavior that served me well as a child but I don't know how to lay it down now that I know longer need it.  I want to protect you from my dissociation.

Anger is another symptom of PTSD.  I stumble over a trigger that ignites my rage and you blame yourself.  Children tend to blame themselves for parents' anger.  Parents often blame children for their anger.  I was on the receiving end.  I was told countless times how I made my mother angry.  I now know that as an adult the only one to blame for my anger is me.  I want to protect you from my feelings of rage.  A rage that originates in childhood should have nothing to do with you.  You were there, something was said or happened to set me off.  I want to protect you from my explosions as much as I would shield you from a bomb.  Sadly, I am that bomb when PTSD takes over. 

I wanted to take care of all of you.  My body would suffer from the physical effects of PTSD.  Instead of me taking care of you, you were taking care of me.  I felt so frustrated that this caring was so backwards.  I try as much as possible to protect you from this effect of PTSD.  When you were all small I put the bread, cereal and peanut butter in the bottom cupboards in case you were hungry and I was too weak to get out of bed.  I couldn't take care of myself yet I had 6 little people depending on me to take care of them.  Some days I lay on the couch and made sure you were safe and fed.  That was all I had strength to do.  I want to protect you from this lack of care.

I worked hard to protect you from PTSD symptoms that shook me like a rag doll.  I didn't want you to understand why I behave this way.  I don't want your lives marred by the nightmares that destroy my sleep.  I often believe that Heavenly Father asked His angel children who would come to Earth and help a battered soul.  You children raised your hands.  All of you coming into my life made a difference.  I wish to protect you from my worst self. 

Cowboys - 4 - Christ

Cowboys-4-Christ

~Too blessed to be stressed

"The shortest distance between a problem and a solution

is the distance between your knees and the ground.

The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything." 

~ God bless and keep sharing the Good News !!! ~ C4C


 My sister introduced me to this page on Facebook.  I love the photographs that go with there quotes.  The quote similar to this:

If you can't stand it, try your knees. 

I know from experience that the first step to solving any problem is admitting there is a problem.  Next step is defining a problem.  If I already know the answer then I follow through and make changes.  However, if I don't know the answer, I need to humble myself to seek help.  Kneeling before God is an act of humility if I am willing to be taught a new way.  I learned there are more than one type of prayer.  The one I tend to do is:

"Heavenly Father I'm in a mess, please, get me out quickly and easily with no effort on my part."  

Yup, I've said this kind of prayer. 
Another type is a negotiation:

"Heavenly Father I'm in a mess, please, get me out quickly and easily, if you do, I'll be good for a week."

The next one is adding a touch of I say thanks so you'll help me, Right?

"Heavenly Father, I'm thankful for all my blessings, please, get me out quickly and easily and I will be your friend."

Or how about the uber polite prayer:

"Heavenly Father, pretty please with sugar on top, get me out of this mess quickly and easily."  

Don't forget the combination prayer:

"Heavenly Father, I'm thankful for all my blessings, pretty please with sugar on top, get me out of this mess that is no fault of my own, get me out quickly and easily.  I will be your friend and be good for 2 weeks." 

Yea, I've said all of those.  I sometimes felt like Heavenly Father put my prayers like these on His Comedy channel and He and His angels laugh and laugh. Just for fun, He would grant one of my petitions.  Took me awhile to learn about some of the other prayers.

The gratitude prayer - I don't recommend kneeling for this one unless your knees are strong.  The gratitude prayer itemizes all the blessings I can think of and listing them in detail.  The amazing thing about this prayer is the longer I talk the more the list grows.  I mention I am thankful for food and I have to mention I especially thankful for chocolate.  I am thankful for my kids then I need to thank Him for their wonderful spouses and then I need to thank him for the grandkids.  I noticed that Heavenly Father's blessings just keep growing and getting better.  Especially after reading Betsy's advice in the Hiding Place.  "Corrie, don't forget to thank Him for the fleas." I add in those fleas and the list gets mighty long. 

I am finally learning the humble prayer it goes something like this:
"Heavenly Father, I made a hellacious mess of my life.  I saw that hole and jumped right in.  I recognize the error I made of jumping in.  I would like to fix this mistake.  I will do what ever it takes to get out."

"Will you give up your sins?"

"Yes."

"Will you work hard?"

"Yes."

"Will you serve others?"

"Yes."

"You know you are going to make more mistakes tomorrow, what will you do then?"

"I'll be back on my knees working on those solutions tomorrow but today I have sufficient to undo."

Matthew 6:6-13

 6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

 7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

 8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.

 9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

 10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

 11 Give us this day our daily bread.

 12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.