Big Space

The universe is a pretty big space. It's bigger than anything anyone has ever dreamed of before. So, if it's just us, seems like an awful waste of space, right?   Carl Sagan

Love Changing

"You can't punish yourself into change. You can't whip yourself into shape. But you can love yourself into well-being." ~ Susan Skye  posted on Express MiE facebook. 


We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.  Goethe


You will always excel at what makes you happy.  Pam Young - InnerKiddies
 

 The greatest mistake you can make is to be continually fearing you will make one.Elbert Hubbard

At some point I learned to love changing.  I read Express MiE comment and thought, "WOW.  I have to share this."  Now I know that most people already know this.  I am not most people.  I am me.  I am an odd little shape that others have tried to stomp me into a square, a circle, a triangle, and I just don't fit.  I am me.  I want to improve me not because I don't like me but because I love me and I want to be the best me possible.  


Interesting how others blog about a similar subject.  Another perspective can be found over at 

The Narcissistic Continuum

Healing is not a race: s-l-o-w IS fast

Real people

The internet is full of real people.  - Me

15 years ago I had my first introduction to the internet involving police.  Fortunately, I could prove that the junior high student cyber bullying another student wasn't using the school's computers.  He used his mother's computer at work.  When the kid was caught, his only response was that it was just the computer and there wasn't a real person involved.  Except there was a real little girl, about 10 years old, terrified of what this 11 year old bully had written to her and about her on the internet.  The kid got a smack on the wrist since there were no laws that covered bullying cross country.  Took me years to finally use the internet for anything other than what was absolutely necessary.  I decided there were scary people out there that didn't understand I am a real person.  My children got there own password for our home computer for their 18th birthday.  They all knew that mom could and would check up on what they were doing.  Yes, more than once I was accused of being an over protective parent.  I also knew there were some really scary people out there.  The internet has grown into a huge community of people.  Like any community you have caring wonderful people that want to help others, share hope, and make the world a better place.  There also those that are dishonest, con artist with a new way to scam people.  Then there are those that are mean and vicious using the internet to spread their nets to capture more victims.   The horror stories are many.  I viewed first hand the horrible places a junior high student could go while the teacher ignored him while she taught the class.  I saw some of the worse first.  My photography work introduced me to the brighter side of the internet.  This year I started this blog.  My reasons were many.  What I didn't expect was to stumble onto mulderfan's and upsi's blogs.  I discovered real, caring people that were struggling with some of the same problems I was, narcissistics in the family.  From there I learned about other people that are learning lessons in life and sharing with others.  I also learned about "Trolls."  Human beings that don't seem to realize that the computer links you to other human beings.  I learned that I need to be cautious yet caring.  Words I have said have offended people.  I try not to do that but I am human and sometimes my opinions come from a very different place.  Sometimes the written word just fails to convey what I mean.  Sometimes it is just that, a difference of opinion.  Words only.  No body language, no tone of voice, no clues other than words on a page makes it difficult for everyone to communicate sometimes.  I try to tread softly.  I try to be caring.  I want to add a little piece that might help someone else like I have been helped.  Thank you to all the people out there sharing what they have learned.  This world is a better place because of you.  Thank you readers for coming here and sharing your comments, reminds me that there are people out there reading my words.  We can share with this world the light that we have, our kindness, our struggles, our triumphs.  Thanks all you real people for making this an incredible experience for me.   

Words

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Mark Twain

Imperfections don't make me useless or unworthy.

Edit - reviewing - double checking- reading again and I still missed the typo.  Thanks to a kind, sharp eyed reader that caught the error in my post.  (My sister is an awesome editor.)  Changing of one letter changed the meaning.  So frustrating, so irritating because spell check didn't catch the error since it was a perfectly correct word just not the word I wanted.  So dear readers, thank you for being patient with me when my fingers stumble over themselves and thank you to those that kindly point out when it makes a difference but let it slide when it doesn't change the meaning.  This gift of helping with out hurting is a beautiful thing.  I lived in a place where every error, every slip up, every tiny mistake was brought under a microscope and examined so that I never make that mistake again.  A relentless drive for me to become perfect.  The perfect child of course means you are the perfect mother.  I now practice making mistakes. Sudokus are a good place to practice, if I mess up no harm done.   The world doesn't end with a comma in the wrong place.  Love is not withdrawn if I don't do everything perfectly.  I don't need to freeze in my tracks because I made a mistake.  It is a beautiful thing when someone kindly asks if that is what I meant and gives me an opportunity to correct it if I want to.  Thanks.   

Nothing

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Elbert Hubbard

Chameleon, people pleaser, shadow of a person... Definitions for an ultimate survivor.  Terror, nausea, victim... The inside view of an ultimate survivor.  The ones with the most courage didn't survive.  Vanquished, annihilated, doomed.   The few that could twist and turn in the wind...change in a blink...disappear into a space within themselves that their abuser couldn't reach them.  The child disappeared... The shell remained... Sometimes unmanned but mostly another would take the place.  Specially designed to survive that situation.   Traumatized...sliding into a gray void where the tormentors words could flow over you, through you, and around you but never touch you.  One became two...two became...three...four...five.... Why didn't I reunite when I was young... Perhaps because ....there was no end to the nightmare....Perhaps all the parts had a purpose in the survival of the whole.... perhaps no one will ever know since the answers lay hidden deep in my mind where even I don't want to go.  

Few people, professional or other wise, acknowledge the severe damaged caused by a constant flow of criticism.  No piece of clay turns into a pot if it is constantly pulverized into nothingness.  Acid rain on the garden every droplet increasing the damage.  Grayness... nothingness...disappearing into the void....

A sliver of hope shines into the grayness...alluring....drawing....struggling to reach its opening.....

Some never found that sliver of hope...disappeared from life...those that found and strove towards hope eventually attained a place of decision.  Move forward into the light of hope or cower in the grayness.

Choices impossible to articulate...Stepping out of the grayness...Into the hope that life is good...people are kind...there is another choice...I found my sliver of hope.... I strengthened my resolve... I stepped into the light... from victim to survivor to Thriving.  Many said that it couldn't be done.  20,000 lemmings can be wrong.  Find your hope and focus on that piece that tells you the criticism is wrong... Hang on.........

WYSIWYG

 One of the most difficult things I dealt with as a child was the bizarre difference between how I viewed my home life and how others viewed my home life.  I would be told how lucky I was to have the parents I had and the wonderful home life.  I felt so confused.  It took me quite a while to figure out that image was everything.  There was no room for reality.  The family closed ranks and protected the image of the wonderful family.  Only it wasn't real.  It was just that an image without substance.  I was told how lucky I was to have a mother that was a wonderful cook.  I was put on bread and water for complaining about her cooking.  I was extremely allergic to the ingredients she used. I went hungry so my brothers could have seconds.  I had to sit at the table until I finished all my food but if I didn't take enough food by the time the platter reached my older brother he was allowed to eat all the rest.  I had to gauge perfectly every day what I wanted to eat or bare the punishment or go hungry.  I watched mother meticulously weigh and log every bite she ate.  Then she would rage at us if we were late for dinner and she had to wait for food.  But if someone came over to eat, there was plenty of food and no bread and water.  I loved having company over because then the image had to be held up.  Once I left I home I decided to behave differently.  I wanted a real life with how I really lived.  When I worked on computers I found a name for what I wanted.  WYSIWYG - What You See Is What You Get.  With early word processing programs, the page didn't look like the print out.  When computers went WYSIWYG they made what you saw on the monitor to be the same as what came off the printer.  Another way of saying this is to live authentically.  No slight of hand creating an illusion of how you live.  To live a life without lies.  To be real.  I like reality.