Random Acts of Kindness

 What is the difference between random acts of kindness and people pleasing?
To me the difference is motivation.  Random acts of kindness leave me feeling pleased with myself, happy and excited to do it.  People pleasing is when I feel resentment, anger or fear that if I don't do this I will be rejected or harmed.  I love Random acts of kindness.  This link was sent to me, hope you enjoy it. 

http://now.msn.com/random-acts-of-kindness-photo-gallery


Please commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

An example of a senseless act of beauty, in the place I used to work they had a paper picnic tablecloth on the break room table for a year.  Without telling anyone I replaced it with a new tablecloth that could be washed.  The room went from being avoided to being used by more staff.  For me it was fun.

More than one organization exists based on this idea.
http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/ 
http://www.therandomact.org/

Try an internet search, it is amazing what people are doing with this idea. 

Can you top this....

One-up-man-ship 
I share my story, you tell another story to top that.
Spiraling up each out boasting the other until dizzying heights of nothing can top this...

I was raised this way.  No matter what anyone did, somebody else did it better and faster.  I didn't know that there was another way to converse until I got to school.  School taught me quickly that there is always somebody better in something.  I learned the value of listening and enjoying each persons own story without a need to tell them how I did something better. 

When I was in my early 40's, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Caught in the earliest stages I did not have to have chemo or radiation after surgery.  My first oncologist appointment, the very important doctor seemed totally disgusted that he was wasting his precious time on a case as easy as mine.  I was very aware that most women had it worse than I did, isn't that why we had mammograms for early detection?  I switched to another oncologist.  He gave me the same information however he showed me respect.  Answered my fear filled questions and guided me for a couple of years after surgery for self care.  After 2 years he told me how delighted he was that he could actually tell me that I didn't need to see him any more.  My cancer was mild.  But it was still cancer and scared me silly.  I learned that there is a difference between trying to top someone's story and sharing a similar experience.  Sharing a similar experience the other person is assured that they are respected but not alone.  The hardest thing for most abuse victims or ACoNs is the feeling of alone, isolated, no connection, no one can possibly understand the bizarreness of my life.  The concern in sharing is a person putting them selves down minimizing what happened because it wasn't as bad as this person or that person or the concentration camps.  During the first year of counseling, KavinCoach purposely pointed out just how messed up my life was.  He knew that if I did not acknowledge the challenge I needed to over come, I would not put in the necessary effort to over come it.  If you are trying to jump over a 4 foot wall but you only jump 2 feet, you'll never make it over the wall.  Each person has their own experience.  Sharing to let the other person know that they are not alone is important.  Comparing saying one is 'better' or 'worse' than the other only puts one of the parties on a false pedestal and the other one is not addressing their challenges because after all it is not that 'bad.'

Writing the Wrongs of Narcissistic Parenting wrote a wonderful post on this idea:
http://pronoiaswriteofpassage.blogspot.com/2012/10/platos-cave.html 

Each of us has our own challenges.  Each of us has our own strengths.  Each of us working together can support and help each other on the journey towards healthy or we can behave with 'crabs in a pot' mentality.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality I first read about crabs in a pot on another webpage ( I think mulderfan's).  I didn't believe that my FOO did that.  <always so embarrassing to remember how perfect I thought my family was.>  Then I watched as my mother would pit us against each other.  Compared one to the other.  Or generally let me know how inadequate I was compared to someone else she knew. 

Fifteen things to learn

 Positively Positive posted 15 things every teenager needs to learn no matter how old they are. 


http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/07/08/fifteen-things-i-wish-i-knew-when-i-was-fifteen/

The one that I am currently working on is #13:

People-pleasing is the easiest way to lose your authentic self. Don’t let others’ opinions or fear of rejection have power over your God-given gut instinct.

People-pleasing was part of my training as a child.  I was instructed on the importance of pleasing my mother.  No one told me at the time that it was an impossible task.  People-pleasing has its own set of rewards.  Praise from others feed a need for attention and feelings of important.  The stickler comes when we want to please the people we love.  When does service switch from healthy doing for others to toxic people-pleasing.  The key is in the symptoms. 

When asked to do something for someone, do you feel resentment?  Resentment is a clue that someone is stomping all over your boundaries.   A people-pleaser will do for others at the detriment of self.  Another symptom is sounding like a martyr.  Many ACoNs recognize this behavior.  Their narcissistic parent will start listing all the wonderful things they gave up or pains they suffered so that you could exist.  Drumming into our minds that we are now responsible for their happiness since they did so much for us.  People-pleasing often involves doing things the doer had no intention of doing except because the other person asked them to do the task.  People-pleasing often requires setting aside your own needs and belief system to match theirs.  Done often enough the people-pleaser looses all sight of their true self submerging themselves into the needs of others.  People-pleasing is the basis for the toxic behavior of just following orders that created the concentration camps.  People stop thinking for themselves and instead become slaves to the desire of someone else.  Service or people-pleasing only you know which it is.  Sometimes I need to just stop and consider am I doing this because I find pleasure in serving others or am I doing it out of fear of rejection or punishment. To me motive is the turning point between service and people-pleasing.    

Not so perfect world

Several days now passed since the upset over at upsi's blog.  The event hit several major triggers for me that I shared in my posts.  I recognized and acknowledge that the situation was a trigger and I shared the challenge I face everyday with hypersensitivity and hypervigilance.  One of the comments on someone elses blog was fear of writing what you feel on blogs or comments and being rejected.  They wanted to feel safe here.  My first year of blogging I learned the hard way that you need to take time to get to know each other.  Plus, we are all going to make mistakes.  My whopper is I told someone else in a comment on their blog that I would pray for them.  I offended this person and she made a comment on my blog letting me know I was out of line in terms that really hurt me.  I tried to continue to visit her webpage after apologizing but I felt nervous wondering what backlash would I get if I made another mistake.  I grew up in terror of making the slightest mistake.  I felt the same anxiety.  Out of respect to her and my growing anxiety I stopped following her blog.  I reassessed my behavior online.  However, I am also trying to learn to speak up when I feel something strongly.  This week a reader stopped following my blog.  Do I believe it is the results of my reaction to upsi's situation? Probably.  I am ok with someone disagreeing with me enough that they no longer want to follow my blog.  This isn't the only time this has happened.  Before counseling this would have sent me into a tail spin.  My desire to people please was so high that I would hurt myself trying to meet someone else's expectations.  I don't know Charity, her motives, or any clear understanding of her sincerity.  I do know my reaction, the triggers the event hit, and my own questioning of myself and other people's reaction.  I don't believe she needs to be "banished." From my observation her leaving was her choice.  I do believe in taking a step back and evaluating what happens next.  I learned a few things about myself during this week.  I still have issues with my past that can really stir me up with present situations.  I am very protective of those I have gotten to know on line.  I learned that they don't really need my protection.  upsi's posts on Conversion http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/10/conversion.html and Debrief http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/10/debrief.html demonstrate quite clearly her ability to process and grow from difficult situations. 

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Positively Positive

The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do. - Unknown

Took a little break to enjoy driving around the state with DH. I got sun burnt hiking and had a wonderful time taking pictures. However, one place threw me for a loop. Mining country in Northern Arizona is full of old shafts. Aubrey shaft is on display with a grate and plexi glass over the opening. The shaft goes 1900 feet underground. To give you an idea of how deep that is, you could drop in two Eiffel Towers or the Empire State building with several 100 feet left over. I wanted to take a picture. Please keep in mind that the shaft is totally covered by grating and plexi glass. There is no way for me or my camera to fall in. I totally freak. I can barely move forward to take the blurriest of pictures. I am talking heart pounding, death grip on camera fear. I finally took a couple of shots after repeated efforts. That night I had nightmares. [Awesome.] The next day we were still in the area. My DH took me back to the shaft and let me decide if I wanted to tackle it again. I decided I did not want this fear to master me. I got the shot. I am still amazed that years ago men got onto the 4 x 4 foot platform to be dropped hundreds of feet underground to mine gold and silver. The feat of engineering boggles my mind. With encouragement I faced my fear, I am proud of getting this picture.

Mental Health Day

 Today is the day to raise awareness of a global epidemic that costs millions in lost work, medical bills, and general lessening of life's joy; depression is wide spread.   Are you or someone you care about feeling its effects?  I suffered for a long time needlessly simply because I was told that I had no right to be depressed because I was so blessed.  I believed the person that told me this for many years.  I finally sought help when my whole life was on the verge of falling completely apart.  Please, do not let someone else dictate to you how you feel.  If you are worried about your mental health seek help.  The internet has resources that I never dreamed possible.  I lost years of my life living a twilight life because I didn't understand the connection between my physical health problems and depression.  I learned that my body was desperately trying to tell me things that my mind would not accept.  I asked my medical doctor when he suggested I was experiencing depression, "If it is all in my head, why does my body hurt so much?"  I can share some of the things that I learned since I asked this question years ago.  Depression leads you to abuse your body with not enough sleep, exercise, or relaxation.  Past abuses are stored in your body's memory; your mind may forget but your body holds a grudge for a long, long time.  When you body is sick, it affects your mental attitude;  I learned this works the other way around too, when my mind is sick, it affects my body.  If you are currently seeing a doctor for undiagnosed mystery illnesses, ask for a mental health evaluation.  Be kind to yourself and treat your whole self.  You deserve happiness and health today.


Today is WHO Mental Health Day.
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/events/annual/world_mental_health_day/en/index.html
I had a black dog, his name is depression.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc


A few links that might be helpful:
Judy's project is an on going quest towards mental health.  She shares links to others that are also striving towards healthy living.  
http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/sharing-posts-again/

Poppy post.  Thanks for reminder that today is Mental Health Awareness day.
http://poppyposts-blog.net/2012/10/10/today-is-world-mental-health-day-2012/