http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/07/08/fifteen-things-i-wish-i-knew-when-i-was-fifteen/
The one that I am currently working on is #13:
People-pleasing is the easiest way to lose your authentic self. Don’t let others’ opinions or fear of rejection have power over your God-given gut instinct.
People-pleasing was part of my training as a child. I was instructed on the importance of pleasing my mother. No one told me at the time that it was an impossible task. People-pleasing has its own set of rewards. Praise from others feed a need for attention and feelings of important. The stickler comes when we want to please the people we love. When does service switch from healthy doing for others to toxic people-pleasing. The key is in the symptoms.
When asked to do something for someone, do you feel resentment? Resentment is a clue that someone is stomping all over your boundaries. A people-pleaser will do for others at the detriment of self. Another symptom is sounding like a martyr. Many ACoNs recognize this behavior. Their narcissistic parent will start listing all the wonderful things they gave up or pains they suffered so that you could exist. Drumming into our minds that we are now responsible for their happiness since they did so much for us. People-pleasing often involves doing things the doer had no intention of doing except because the other person asked them to do the task. People-pleasing often requires setting aside your own needs and belief system to match theirs. Done often enough the people-pleaser looses all sight of their true self submerging themselves into the needs of others. People-pleasing is the basis for the toxic behavior of just following orders that created the concentration camps. People stop thinking for themselves and instead become slaves to the desire of someone else. Service or people-pleasing only you know which it is. Sometimes I need to just stop and consider am I doing this because I find pleasure in serving others or am I doing it out of fear of rejection or punishment. To me motive is the turning point between service and people-pleasing.
3 comments:
People pleasing was a necessary survival mechanism when I was growing up. Until my teenage years I was pretty much able to (fearfully) fly under NF's radar.
Trouble was, it became part of the fabric of who I was and learning to say "NO" was one of the toughest things I've ever done.
It was finally accomplished when I realized as long as I dragged around my childhood baggage my NFOO still controlled me.
The people pleasing was the 1st and most important thing to go. Some other bits and pieces still pop up now and then but I'm learning to spot them more quickly.
"Progress not perfection!"
I love this post, Ruth!
I still struggle to understand when I am doing for others because I want to and when I am doing for others because of my ingrained training.
Thank you for the questions that I can ask to determine which it is!
Love,
Vanci
Re unsubscribes (not the main point I know) my way of handling it was to decide: If they unsubscribe I want to be sure it is for a good reason (I want to draw the lines in places I care about).
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