Problem with Conformity

‎"The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself." -Rita Mae Brown

From a friend on Facebook. 

‎"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." -Mark Twain

I am thinking a lot about my self definition.  One of the things I did for many years was conform.  These two statements clarify why extreme conformity is a problem.  In the process, self is lost.  I don't want to be lost any more.  Not conforming is a lot less comfortable at first.  However, I think the benefits will out weigh the temporary discomfort.    

Who defines me?

You can't define me.
http://www.oneangrydaughter.com/2011/04/you-dont-get-to-define-who-i-am-anymore.html

I can define me.
http://ladyhawkhollow.blogspot.com/2011/04/today.html

I can defend myself. 
http://recoveryquest.blogspot.com/2011/04/soliloquy.html

Amazing posts.

I am doing a bit of research on this subject and encountered several awesome posts.  I am working on my own definition.  I am learning that this will be a work in progress and I am progressing.  Thanks to all the awesome people that post and share their stories.  I am learning so much and appreciate the courage and time it takes to keep a blog evolving.

Thank you. 

Keep going I am following....

Stunningly Beautiful

These videos were posted on Facebook. 
Enjoy... They may take a few minutes to load.  Worth the wait. 

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1aQC5Q/shuttersalt.com/blog/most-amazing-time-lapse-video-milky-way-ever-made-seriously

http://vimeo.com/21294655



Strange lights of my own creation. 

Forgiveness not always Reconciliation

Power is a live thing that you reach out to grasp the future with, revenge is a dead thing that reaches out from the past to grasp you- Miles

My nephew posted this.  It had me thinking about the whole issue of how forgiveness fits into my philosophy of living.  I appreciate the book Forgiveness Is A Choice by Robert D. Enright, Phd identifying "psuedo-forgiveness" that I was taught.  The old distortion "forgive and forget" without protecting yourself from being hurt again.  I appreciated KavinCoach splitting forgiveness from reconciliation.  I have finally come up with my definition.  Forgiveness is about me and my feelings about an event, person or combination from my past.  Not forgiving to me implies that I am still seeking revenge which by the quote above is a dead thing. Forgiveness to me I have processed my feelings over an incident where I was hurt or offended.  I processed those feelings on my time line which can be very slow.  I decide when I am finished processing those feelings.  I have put the event in perspective that no longer has the power to haunt me, hurt me, or control me.  If I am still hurting, I am not done with the forgiveness process as I understand it.  I want to be in a place that my past events I can recognize the events, talk about them, learn from them, but they no longer have power to hurt me.  To me, this is forgiveness.  However, I like the idea presented by Dr. Enright when he shares in his book that forgiveness is a prerequisite to reconciliation but not guaranteed.  KavinCoach pointed out the same idea.  How I understand this, contrary to how I was raised, I can forgive someone and choose to no longer associate with them.  Forgiveness is about emotional peace and is for me.  Reconciliation is a continuing association with the person that hurt me and is conditional on the other person changing how they treat me.  Conditional on the other persons sincerity in their apology. Conditional on my feeling they are to be trusted. Conditional on my desire to continue the association with the other person.  To me, Forgiveness doe not equal Reconciliation.  They are two separate events that are linked but reconciliation is not mandatory for forgiveness.  Now when someone tells me that I haven't forgiven the other person if we no longer associate, I reply, "I have chosen to forgive them, but I chose not to interact with that person any more."  In my own mind, I can list the reasons why but I do not have to justify why I no longer want to interact with the other person.  Forgiveness for me is letting go of the past and turning to the future.  Reconciliation is deciding if I want to reestablish friendship with a person that has hurt me in the past.    

 

Today I'm thinking

There is a small mountain that I like to go to sit and think.  Today I did just that.  I think the "red pill" is going to hit more aspects of my life than I ever believed.  Today I watched the sunset.  Tomorrow a New Dawn. 

Emotional Abuse

I was reading over at "The Hardest Battle" and Kiki had a link to this article written by a lawyer.  It was a good read just like she said.  I sent it to my counselor because I want to talk about it a whole lot more and in much greater detail.  http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html
Thanks Kiki for posting this. 

Spring in Full Swing

Enjoy my pictures over at my other blog:

http://ruthmower.blogspot.com/2011/04/spring-in-full-swing.html

Resurrection Morning

Today for most of the world this is just another day.  However, for the Christian world it is the most important day of eternity.  The day when death loses.  For many death is the only thing that can not be over come.  For Christians it is a temporary parting, 1 Corinthians 15:22, "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive."  For me it is a most blessed day.  Every year on Easter Sabbath day I remember how literal being born a new is for me.  If you have read my book which is linked at the bottom of this site you will know that I am an integrated multiple.   There is nothing neat, tidy, or simple with turning your entire life inside out and reinvent yourself so completely that you don't recognize yourself.  To help you with a visual, imagine doing what is necessary to fuse all your fingers together into a single club.  You may protest that isn't an improvement.  Well, I have felt that way many times that fusing my parts into a single whole is not always an improvement.  I remind myself on a regular basis that I was born as one whole person.  It was through a series of brutal incidents that I split to create an ultimate way to survive.  If one part is too battered to go forward, another one takes over, the Ultimate fighter tag team.  Bottom line, by the time I went to see KavinCoach, I was dieing one part at a time.  I was altering myself into oblivion.  Broken down into simplest form this it what the change looked like -

• Recognize that I had a problem with living
• Accept that I needed help
• Build up the courage to seek help
• Listen to how screwed up my life is
• Accept that I am a screwed up mess
• Learn more of how incredibly screwed up my life is
• Remember events so horrendous I was dry heaving in the toilet then passed out
• Toss all fantasies that I clung to about my childhood
• Believe that life could be better as an integrated person (Of course there are no guarantees)
• Accept that working as parts of a self is not a good thing
• Become acquainted with all the parts (We didn't know about each other ~ in my system we were totally isolated from each other.  Sammy knew the most but he wasn't speaking to any of us.)
• Accept that all the parts were needed, no matter now annoying
• Accept that the only way I would consider integration was for all the parts to come together
• Learning to enjoy my parts of myself to the point ~ I considered not integrating because I finally had someone to talk to that really understood.  (Not referring to KavinCoach.  Sometimes I felt he didn't understand what he was asking me to do.)
• @#$%^$##^*)&%$%^&%^*((*&^$##@#$%^*(())(&^%#@@@#%&*())*&^%$#@@@#$%^&*(((*&^%$#$%^&*(*&^ I don't know what happened at this point*
• Realize I was integrated
• Briefly enjoyed the sensation of peace and quiet
• Totally Freaked because I have no idea how to function now
• Learn the basics about living that most people learned in childhood
• Start to figure out how to interact as an integrated person
• Recognize that I am able to improve some relationships
• Discover I am not the problem with some of the relationships
• Discover that emotions exist in a massive array that I really haven't a clue how to cope with them
• I feel but don't understand what the feelings mean
• Sometimes I don't know enough to even ask a question
• I can feel so incredibly happy at one time only to crash into the worst feelings ever the next moment
• I am in the process of reevaluating relationships and learning who I can trust and who I can't
• What do I have control over and what is out side of my control
• What emotions simply happen and which can I change because I want to

*Literally - the actual integration is an unknown to me.  I described once that when I was a multiple there was this huge chasm between me and being a singleton.  When I became a singleton, I could look back and see the same chasm with no clear understanding of how I crossed it.  This is the portion I believe Christ took care of for me because I couldn't do it for myself.  I believe that Christ literally helped me to be reborn into a whole person with none of the parts missing.  Christ overcame death.  Integration is how Christ healed my soul in a way that no man/woman could do.  KavinCoach talked to me a lot about in spite of the horrible things from my childhood perpetuated by those that attended church I did not doubt that Heavenly Father loved me and that He sent His son Jesus Christ to comfort and heal me.  In the darkest, ugliest place Christ found me and claimed me as His own.  Resurrection day will be a formality of what has already happened I am a new, whole person because of Jesus Christ, my Savior.  

Happy Easter email

HAPPY EASTER     All I need to know   I learned from the Easter Bunny!        Don't put all your eggs in one basket.        Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.    There's no such thing as too much candy.    All work and no play can make you a basket case.   A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.   Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.    Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.   Some body parts should be floppy.    Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.   Good things come in small,  sugar coated packages.   The grass is always greener in  someone else's basket.    To show your true colors,  you have to come out of the shell.    The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.   May the joy of the season fill your heart.   AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!    ,,,,,,,,jelly beans? Happy Easter!  Sent in an email....source unknown Searched Google for Egg Art Awesome Results: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&biw=1752&bih=1228&gbv=2&site=search&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=Egg+art&btnG=Search&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&oq=

Enjoying Easter

Easter holiday became a favorite amongst my kids.  We used to live in Washington state and occasionally had snow for Easter.  Hiding eggs was hilarious because the snow would glow the color of the eggs.  Every year I would hide one egg so well that nobody found it for a month or two.  Since they were plastic eggs with candy inside, the kids considered it a bonus treat. 

SAVE THE BUNNIES - EAT MORE JELLY BEANS 

From a fellow blogger:

http://ifyouregoingthoughhellkeepgoing.blogspot.com/2011/04/hoppy-holidays.html

A favorite Easter Story:

http://www.atimetolaugh.org/the-empty-egg.html

Peep Pictures:

http://www.google.com/search?q=easter+peeps&hl=en&site=webhp&prmd=ivnsue&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=7H2zTeuDI6zOiALDwoGwBg&sqi=2&ved=0CEAQsAQ&biw=1828&bih=1288

Loved this collection of Easter pictures:

http://www.clevelandseniors.com/family/easter-funny.htm

Good Friday

I was raised believing in Christ.  But I was taught principles quite different then what Christ taught.  Through my experience, I learned what Hell is and that it is a place on Earth not somewhere else.  A few years ago a fellow college student emailed me and asked if I believed in evil.  I shot back an email asking if he actually wanted to know.  No point sharing what I believe if the other person was just throwing out idol academic questions for sport.  His next email convinced me he really wanted to know.  I wrote that if you have ever met a person with evil in their heart, you never doubt that evil exists in the world.  I forgot so much of my life.  But when questioned about evil I never had any doubt in my mind that it exists.  When my memories were being pieced back together, I remembered why I never doubted that evil exists.  Now, labels are patched on like psychopath or some other label implying that they can't help the way they are.  Unfortunately, I have met a person that chose to inflict pain on others for the pure pleasure of watching them surfer.  I know what evil feels like.  I have experienced it.

My belief in Christ is equally unwavering.  I don't expect everyone to believe as I do.  I appreciate the beliefs of other religions and ideals.  I appreciate all wishing to make the world a better place.  For myself, my belief in Christ is deep and wide.  Today the Christian world celebrates the day Christ was Crucified.  Some believe that it is horrible to celebrate such an agonizing death.  Some do not believe it happened at all.  My stand is that Christ understood what needed to be done.  Christ understood that sometimes you suffer something hard or painful to gain something much better and larger.  I believe that Christians celebrate the completion of a task that none of us could do for ourselves.  Christ died for our sins today.  He was punished gruesomely and unjustly for sins committed by others.  The Earth groaned at the injustice.  Today, I remember that Christ died for me.   In a world where there is great evil, there needs to be greater love.  "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son." This was done for me that I might experience the good.  I have felt His great love.  He opened the path out of Hell. 

Skill vs Intelligence

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

Anonymous

Now I get it

Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player.

Albert Einstein

One of the interesting things that I am reading now is that things KavinCoach told me before are finally making sense.  I am continuing reading the book about boundaries and learning the psychologist’s terminology for how people cope with severe stress.  One of the things discussed is “hiding the True self.”  After I learned I functioned as a multiple personality I was trying to understand how I functioned with these different parts.  (Imagine your arms and legs each having a mind of their own.  Each wanting to go their own direction.)  KavinCoach asked me. “Which one is the ‘real’ Ruth?”   

Every part of me was furious at him for implying that some of the alters were not real.  I think it was the first time that all of us acknowledged and resisted the same information.  In my way of thinking, we were all real and I needed all the parts to survive.  The interesting thing about integrating is now I understand what the book is referring to as the “false self.”  It is not an alter, a separate personality.  It seems to me these behaviors, ideas, and feelings we place in front of our ‘real self’ to protect from marauding predators, usually human in form and most of it emotionally abusive behavior.  This front image or false self is not who you really are, but more of a wall or defense system that has little or nothing to do with how a person actually feels.  A simple example is when we are asked for our opinion, rather than say how we really feel, we tell the person what they want to hear or a false front answer that might be more acceptable to the person.  Strictly speaking, the false self is the lies we tell to others and our self to protect us from an uncomfortable reality.  The harsher our environment that we live in, the more complex and thick our defenses we create to protect our real self.  Part of the counseling process is to reveal and persuade our ‘real self’ to come out of hiding.  We are not who we pretend to be.  I now understand a lot of things that made no sense before.  

Many years ago I read a book about self-defeating behaviors.  I read it and it sounded great but when I attempted to put the principles in to practice something didn’t work.  I suspect now that I am integrated that my united self can better understand and put into practice the ideas taught.   For me before integration, switching overrode all other defense mechanism and functioned similar to the doctor hitting your reflex point underneath your knee.  The knee moved without conscious thought.  It just happened.  I am feeling like a whole new world is opening up and I don’t know the ground rules.  Then I remind myself that nobody did at first.  I am a late bloomer.  This is going to be fun.  :)

Choose your own adventure

Today I had several things come to mind.  A weeks worth of blogs in one day. 

For those that want something fun:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2011/04/20/funny-pictures-videos-lampede/

For those that love chocolate:
http://plotmamas.wordpress.com/2011/04/20/wednesday-witticisms-thanks-easter-bunny-baak-baak/

For those that want something challenging:
http://www.wikihow.com/Accept-Rachel%27s-Challenge

For those that celebrate Easter:
http://nikonsniper.blogspot.com/2011/04/thoughts-at-easter-2011.html
http://itsallaboutmie.blogspot.com/2011/04/in-preparation-for-easter.html

As for me, I am tired.  This is one of those weeks that if I hold still for more than 5 minutes I will fall asleep, but my agenda does not allow for 5 minutes of holding still time.  I will make it through the week. 

How could they not know?

I have puzzled a long time as to how my parents did not know about how I functioned through most of my life.  (For those that have not read my book at the bottom of the blog, until I was over 50 years old I functioned as a 5 part multiple personality from the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with Dissociation at a severe level.)  Today I found a clue.  One of the difficulties I had as a child, I was not allowed to set boundaries for myself on anything.   KavinCoach explained that from my description of growing up that I was treated as an extension to my unhealthy mother.  (She never had an "official" diagnostic since she refused to stay in counseling when it was recommended by her medical doctor.  I suspect Narcissistic tendencies plus other borderline personality disorders in the mix.)  A basic key to identity is to set boundaries.  No boundaries, no identity.  I called myself an ultimate chameleon.  I could alter and change into anything, literally becoming whatever my mother wanted me to be.  No boundaries, no problem of no single identity because I wasn't allowed to have one any way.  My children however noticed.  As teenagers some of them questioned me as to why I would behave one way in one place and another way somewhere else.  I felt confused and frightened by their questions.  I was in my 40's when I started counseling.  I had a rude awakening 6 months into it.  I had no idea how I functioned since for me when the other personalities were out these times were black outs.  I knew I had physical health problems that caused passing out.  It never occurred to me that the physical and the psychological were so deeply connected.  Now I am studying several books about boundaries.  What are they?  What do they look like?  How do they function?  How do I defend them?  Why do I need to defend them?  I have a bazillion questions.  NewCounselor is going to get a hefty review on, what is a boundary?

PS I really need to ask NewCounselor what he wants to be called.

Creating beauty

The Renaissance Festival provides an opportunity to see Glass created up close and beautiful.

http://ruthmower.blogspot.com/2011/04/blowing-glass.html

Flipping the Pyramid

Maslow's hierarchy of needs is taught in every first semester psychology class.  The basic premise is that human needs are met in a particular order.  First the physical needs such as enough food, shelter, sleep, and basic bodily care must be met.  After this humans need to feel a sense of safety.  Upon this is built feelings of loving and belonging.  From this foundation emerges self-esteem. The next step is self-actualization evidenced in creativity, morality, spontaneity, problem solving, acceptance and other high level psychological skills and finally Self-transcendence humans develop a relationship with God.  Early on in counseling KavinCoach discovered that my childhood did not meet even the most basic needs.  I didn't remember much about my childhood so he had me read books about other abuse cases.  He didn't find one book that my only reaction was, "Yea, bad things happen.  What do you want me to learn from it?"  Nothing phased me as being impossible as to how adults treat children.  After many discussions KavinCoach explained that I had no emotional foundation, no self-esteem, no sense of safety, or feeling that my basic needs should be met.  Yet when he asked my about God, I was absolutely firm in my belief that God is our Heavenly Father and sent his Son Jesus Christ to redeem everyone.  I had turned Maslow's hierarchy of needs on its point.  I talked with KavinCoach often about my testimony that Christ was my savior.  NewCounselor has me reading a book that also breaks down how humans mature with the last part being developing a connection with God.  How is it that I was missing everything else in this hierarchy except an unshakable belief in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ?  I still remember looking at KavinCoach and sharing my belief in Christ.  The reason Christ suffered so much in Gethsemane was not because of any wrong doing on His part but because He would know where to find me.  He knows what kind of Hell I have been in.  I had but a mustard seed of faith and He has shown me time and time again His love and desire for me to find lasting peace.  I know not everyone feels the way I do.  Not everyone believes as I do.  For me, before all else, I know in my heart that Jesus is the Christ and redeemer of the world.  He sent KavinCoach and NewCounselor into my life to fill in the missing pieces.  For those celebrating this Easter week, may you enjoy the peace the Savior promised in our lives.  For those not celebrating Easter week, may you enjoy peace in your life, too.   

Paperwork

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

Wernher von Braun

I grew up in a home where my brother was interested in rockets so Wernher von Braum was a household name while we watched every rocket launch.  Yes, I remember watching the first images of men walking on the moon.  Wernher von Braum was one of the key scientist leading the way into space.  I was highly amused when I thought at the same time that the moon shots were happening there was a craze that in the future we would be a paperless society.  Some days I feel like I am drowning in paperwork.   Walking on the moon happened and we have the paperwork to prove it.  :)

Next Time...

To get out of the land of "if only..." I took the fork in the road to "Next time..." 

One of the big down sides of PTSD and dissociation is a large lag time between an upsetting event, processing the information, and coming up with the appropriate answer.  I kept being discouraged that If I ONLY could speak up faster.    Yay, I know where that leads.  Well, one of the things I am learning from counseling and fellow bloggers is the same old crap comes back, time and time again.  Shaun over at Suburban Black Sheep posted the idea of collecting "Talking points."  http://suburbanblacksheep.blogspot.com/2011/03/talking-points.html

People use the same tired put downs and attacks over and over again.  He suggested posting a comment with a question or statement that is meant to put us down and to have a suitable answer all ready to go.  I actually did this when I chose to have 6 kids.  Where we lived there were not many families that the same two parents had all six kids.  (Small town, major cliques, not afraid to ask rude questions about choosing to have kids.)  I gathered several quick come backs.  A few examples:

Q.  Didn't 6 kids drive you crazy?

A.  Oh no, I had to be crazy to do it in the first place.

Q.  Why did you have 6 kids?

A.  Because I didn't want 7.

My all time favorite came during the time when grocery stores were switching to scanners and the checkout clerks were 'supposed' to make conversation with the customers.  Bad idea for some.  The clerk looked at my loaded cart and 6 kids....

Q.  Are they all yours?

A.  Oh no, I check them out at the library.

I am learning that many questions keep coming back for just the right answer so NEXT TIME, I am going to be ready...

Two Words that Change Everything

A friend sent me this story.... 

Two Words That Change Everything - by Arthur Gordon  

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/coping-strategies/24530-change-if-only-to-next-time.html 

 Popular story... another link to the same story...
http://www.businesspeoplesearch.com/doc/change.htm



“To create more positive results in your life, replace ‘if only’ with ‘next time’.”
http://celestinechua.com/blog/101-most-inspiring-quotes-of-all-time/


Same theme from a sermon:
Parrot story is very clear as to the problem in this situation...
http://www.sermons.org/sermons/old_testament/isaiah/isaia43_1-3a_16-21.htm


I have lived in the land of 'if only.'  Going around and around in circles of 'if only' this had happened my life would be different.  'If only' that occurred I would be a better person.  Have you ever noticed that no one says, 'if only I had gone to the store that day, I would have been hit by a truck?'  The belief always that 'if only' events had been different than life would be better not worse. 

I think Dave Pelzer became my hero when I read one of his other books after A Child Called It and he said, "I like the man I am today and I would not be that man without the experiences that I had." Dave does not seem to worry about 'if only...'

I like the positive drive rendered from this new phrase to learn.  "Next time, I will...."

I did a google search of the words 'if only next time.'   Wow hundreds of hits.  Explore a little.  See what you come up with for changing 'if only' to 'next time.'

Redirect

I enjoy reading fellow bloggers that share ideas and life experiences.  Sometimes I get the gist of what they are saying, other times my mind goes galloping off in another direction.  upsi posted an interesting post about Nietzsche, http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2011/04/nietzsche.html. I had never heard of him.  Some how in my reading, he completely eluded me.  What was interesting to me was Alice Miller put his philosophy back in context with his childhood.  "Rather than criticize the women in his home who despised weakness and taught him obedience at all costs, he criticized Christianity itself, women themselves."  I pondered on how many people redirect their dislike for a group or someone because of a connection from childhood.  Then I took it a step farther, how do I redirect my beliefs based on my childhood.  Last night I acknowledged that I was angry with KavinCoach over telling me that I would only have to say bad stuff once.  I realized that I redirected my anger at him since he is far away and safe.  Even if KavinCoach was here, being angry with him would be OK.  He would let me talk it out and I would realize that I wasn't really angry with him at all.  I am hurt that my childhood still has such a huge negative influence in my life now.  I have worked consistently on trying to break the negative links to my past.  The hardest thing for me is that when I couldn't remember my childhood I still responded to triggers that had no conscious meaning but some how I knew at a level that seemed embedded in my thinking.  Exploring my past was like being handed a big, black bag with all sorts of objects in it.  Only I didn't get to open the bag.  All I could do was feel the objects in the bag and see if I could guess what happened.  Too many times, this was a painful process.  Doing it once was bad enough.  After KavinCoach moved, I felt a certain amount of information had to be retold, so NewCounselor would understand why I am working on the things I am doing.  I was bummed out because I really didn't want to say it again.  Memories are so difficult for me since I am never quite sure if what happened did actually happen.  The mind can reveal memories symbolically, mix past and present events together, change the face of hurtful person to either a stranger or someone you know depending on what works for bringing comfort, the mind/memory connect is really tricky for me.  If I was ever put on a witness stand, I would be declared an unreliable witness and one of the lawyers would verbally munch me.  Telling KavinCoach once I started to remember was hard enough.  I did go through a phase where I wanted to tell everybody everything.  Then I encounter Monet in one of my Art history classes.  His quote stuck in my mind.  "There is enough ugliness in the world, I do not need to create more of it."  The main reason I finally told my story in a book was to shine a light on a path I just traveled.  An added bonus was that many in my family read it and gained a new understanding.  I don't believe my past excuses me from becoming a better person.  For me, my past is a huge motivator to say, "There is a better way to live, lets find it, and share it to everyone we meet."  I am sorry I felt angry with KavinCoach.  I am thankful he is a person that kindly allows me my short comings.  Thanks KavinCoach.          

Tempted

I was tempted to post nothing but 'The Pigmatation' link... Why?  Some how it seems wrong to be writing a post on getting out of depression when I have sunk to a really low place.  I am on day 5 of either a panic attack or severe nightmares waking me up 2 or 3 times each night.  I do not feel like a person getting out of depression, right now.  So if I just post funny stories, questions, and pictures then nobody needs to know, right?  

Thanks to Judy, upsi, mulderfan and others I am striving to live a truthful life, not just, "See how happy I am, even if I am lying?"

What went wrong?  Nothing.  Actually, things are going very right.  I have worked with NewCounselor for five months now.  We finally got past catching up on 7 previous years of counseling.  I have felt frustrated, scared, and angry at having to tell some of this garbage over again.  This past week I told a part that only one other person knows, KavinCoach.  I discovered that I actually felt angry at KavinCoach, because at the time of the first telling, he assured me that I would never need to say it again.  I also learned that there are some things that doing it twice does not make it easier.   No solutions, yet.  There is one significant difference.  I do not feel hopeless.  Discouraged, bummed out, depressed, frustrated, but not hopeless.  The first time I told, I was a hopeless wreck.  The second time I told, I am still a wreck, but a hopeful wreck.  To some people, this would not be an improvement.  However, I am not some people.  I am me.  And being a hopeful wreck is a step up.  

So what are the positives? I have actually cried several nights.  I did not shut down completely.  I planned ahead.  I planned to have Cold Stone Creamery German Chocolate Cake Ice Cream for dinner after this therapy session.  It was delicious.  I was able to write more information than I have ever written about one of the worst aspects of my ugly childhood.  There was a definite reason why I didn't want to remember.  The human mind can be grand and sweeping and cuts out EVERYTHING.  I am remembering.  Its my life.  I can live with that.    

Pigmatation...

I loved seeing this:

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2011/04/12/funny-pictures-pigments-of-your-imagination/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ICanHasCheezburger+%28I+CAN+HAS+CHEEZBURGER%29&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher

Ejoy

I was typing a comment and my fingers fumbled on the word enjoy.  Then I looked it and decided this is great... Enjoy without Ns.  Typos can be so fun.

Ever Wonder Why?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

---

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, 

large fries, and a diet coke?

---

Why do banks leave vault doors open and 

then chain the pens to the counters?

---

Why do some people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk
  in the garage?

---

Why do stores sell hot dogs
  in packages of ten and buns in
  packages of eight? 

---

 Why do they have drive-up ATM machines 

with Braille lettering?

---

EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but
  darkens our skin?

---

Why can't women

put on mascara with their mouth
  closed?

---

Why don't you ever see the headline 

'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

---

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

---

Why is it that doctors call what they do  'practice'?

---

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

---

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

---

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
  called rush hour?

---

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat  food?

---

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

---

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

---

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the
whole plane out of that stuff?!

---

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

---

Why are they called apartments when 

they are all stuck together?

---

If con is the opposite of pro, 

is Congress the opposite of progress?

---

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Perfectionism isn't

Perfectionism from the web dictionary:

per·fec·tion·ism
noun /pərˈfekSHəˌnizəm/
Refusal to accept any standard short of perfection
A doctrine holding that religious, moral, social, or political perfection is attainable, esp. the theory that human moral or spiritual perfection should be or has been attained
Web definitions
a disposition to feel that anything less than perfect is unacceptable; "his perfectionism seemed excessive to his students"
http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=perfectionism

In ethics and value theory, perfectionism is the persistence of will in obtaining the optimal quality of spiritual, mental, physical, and material being. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfectionism_(philosophy)

perfectionist - a person who is displeased by anything that does not meet very high standards
http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=perfectionist

Also intolerant of making mistakes.

Perfectionism has a basis in the idea that wouldn't everything be wonderful if everyone was perfect and behaved perfectly.  Perfect manners, perfect speech, perfect health, perfect cleanliness, a perfect world and all will be well.  The only flaw in this beautiful plan is this world is filled with imperfect people.  That doesn't stop some people, perfectionist, from trying to achieve this pinnacle of "rightness," especially when they have a child at their beck and call.  Their own precious child they will make them perfect.  The whips of expectations of perfection, criticism, name calling, extreme discipline are used to mold and shape these little ones into the image of perfection in the eyes of the parents.  They even quote the Bible saying, "Be ye therefore perfect..." Matthew 5:48. The flaw in the plan, the parent does not always see clearly.  What is perfect in the parents eyes may be total disaster in the child's eye.  Who but a perfectionist expects a child on their first attempt to accomplish perfection?  Who but a perfectionist would know in their own mind what is perfect for someone else?

I first started understanding the horrors of perfectionism and the abuse one dishes out to achieve it was from FlyLady.  FlyLady.org  I was amazed by her diatribes on the evil of perfectionism.  This is a link to her review of perfectionism.  http://www.flylady.net/pages/perfectionism_review.asp  I learned that I could do many things in 15 minute baby-steps, that good enough is ok, spotless is not better, I thought FlyLady was wonderful.  Then I realized that in her own way she is a bit of a perfectionist.  I don't think she means to but in her zeal for teaching another way, from time to time, she gets carried away that her way is 'perfect.'  Now for anyone frustrated with a messy house I can say that her method is excellent for bringing about order.  Because of FlyLady, I no longer buy something for my house unless I am going to love it.  I swish-n-swipe my bathroom in about 2 minutes flat instead of the 15 minutes my mother taught me to clean that one room.  I actually see my shiny kitchen sink on a regular basis.  I learned a lot from her and I highly recommend her site as a place to bring order to your house.  But she is not a cure-all to the disease of perfectionism.

I was raised mostly by my mother with some in put from my father.  Unfortunately, my mother demonstrates many attributes of a narcissistic with perfectionist tendencies.  (She would never stay in counseling long enough to get a diagnosis.  Even though several of her medical doctors insisted that she needed counseling.)  She considered herself not a perfectionist because her 'Mommy' was the ultimate perfectionist.  "If you can get 99%, you can get 100%."  My NM recognized that she couldn't achieve perfection herself but she could teach her daughters to be perfect.  She didn't feel the boys needed any correction since males were born perfect.  Only the girls needed to be the perfect weight, perfect look, perfect housekeeper, perfect student, perfect child.  Guess what?  I failed miserably.  I am not perfect in anything except maybe a perfect mess.  

Eight years of counseling and I am still struggling with my mess.  I have learned tolerance of the mistakes of others.  I have learned that 'good enough is good enough.'  I have learned that a D is a passing grade.  I have learned that children thrive in a world where perfection is totally unnecessary.  I enjoyed playing with play dough with one little boy.  He seemed to be afraid to touch the sticky stuff.  So I played with him.  I rolled out the dough, made a cute little bird nest, then took my fist and smashed to smithereens.  His eyes were the size of saucers.  Suddenly, this play dough thing wasn't so intimidating.  If he could smash it with his fist, and that was OK, this had possibilities.  I just wish I had learned these lessons when my children were still little.  I am learning.  I am learning that to thrive you get a little messy and usually a lot less than perfect.  In my opinion, perfectionism isn't on the path to thriving.   





Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

From mulderfan:
"If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything." ~John Wooden

Blog Suggestions

I am starting to understand the wonders of networking with others on the internet.  I checked over at PollyWantANarcissist that then sent me to whenthescapegoatquits that answered another bloggers question with a link to Counselling Resource which I have never been to before and is loaded with information.  My quiet day at home led me on an internet road trip.  Done any internet road trips that you found helpful?




 From PWC http://pollywantanarcissist.blogspot.com/2011/04/good-reads-recovery-quest-and.html
Suggested to websites


http://whenthescapegoatquits.wordpress.com/2011/03/24/getting-into-the-habit-of-boundaries-yay-me/


http://counsellingresource.com/distress/personality-disorders/understanding/index.html

I'm back

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.

Mahatma Gandhi

Eight years ago my life was falling apart on so many levels I didn't know what to do to survive.  I knew then that the only person I could change was myself.  I started counseling and under the care of KavinCoach my world was turned upside-down and inside-out.  One of the things I learned about myself was that I was terrified of making the smallest mistake whether it was over-cooking the peas or accidentally making a wrong turn I was devastated.  In my fear of making a mistake I became paralyzed and did nothing instead.  You can't make a mistake if you do nothing, right?   The history of why I am like this is muddy and ugly.  A teacher in 4th grade that had a multiplication board that made a horrible buzzing sound every time I made a mistake.  A mother that wanted to make sure that I never made a mistake twice.  "What can we do that you never do that again?"  Expectations so unreasonable that no child could possibly succeed.  How could I possibly learn as an adult that mistakes are OK?  My friend helped me with an odd solution.  I do really hard sudokus.  If I make a mistake the puzzle can not be finished, I have to turn the page and start another one.  I used to do them in pencil until I caught myself trying to erase all the little squares to correct my error.  Now I do them in ink.  If I blow the puzzle I get to put a great, big X across the page, and start the next puzzle.  I don't have to keep redoing it until it is perfect.  Perfectionism allows no room for error, mistakes, mess ups, inconsistencies, everything must be perfect.  If I was just perfect then I would be loved.  What a gruesome lie.  Even crueler when the "Be ye therefore perfect" scripture is trotted out.  I mess up. I make mistakes.  I say things that are not what I wished I had said.  I do things in a less than orderly fashion.  I am a human being and I am not perfect and that is OK.  In this land of the free, few people realize that there are homes where children are not free to make mistakes.  It is not freedom unless you are free to make a mistake.  It is not freedom if someone else tries to remove the consequences of the mistakes you have made.  I believe in the freedom to make mistakes.  I am willing to take the responsibility for those mistakes.  I also recognize what may be a mistake to one person is the best thing possible for someone else. 

Brainless

I just scattered my brains on my new counselors floor.  For those that have not had counseling, may not be aware, that sometimes telling someone else something from your past is so difficult you feel brainless afterwards.  New counselor was great.  Accepted that part of my past is really crappy but right now I can't think of anything but decompressing.  So I am sending you off to other links that are interesting...

*An interesting poem from mulderfan... 
http://muldrfan.blogspot.com/2011/04/great-poem-for-acons.html


*An awesome prank... 
http://inspirationmanifestation.com/1943/dog-drives-postal-truck/


*A thought provoking questions by upsi...
http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2011/04/grandparent-issue.html


*A web-poster over at Suburban Black Sheep...
 http://suburbanblacksheep.blogspot.com/2011/03/more-truth.html

Hopefully by tomorrow my brain will be back in residence. 

Particularly Great Day

Greg Olsen

Today is going to be a particularly great day for no particular reason!

Check this out if you have facebook.

If you don't have facebook check out Greg Olsen's webpage.  The little girl with two Yorkies in the baby carriage go with the quote. 

http://www.gregolsenart.com/catalog/24/93

Wanna live in the Sunshine

Wouldn't it be great if people could get to live suddenly as often as they die suddenly?

Katharine Hepburn

 I read this and the quote just blew me away.  Katharine Hepburn in one line described what it felt like when I realized I had integrated*.  The trees seemed suddenly greener.  Driving in traffic was just amazing.  I wanted to hug every single person I met and tell them how wonderful everything was.  It was a great day.  The sunshine was brighter.  Everything would be wonderful.  Then reality hit.  I had no idea how to live in the sunshine.  I understand dark clouds, terror, cowering, nightmares, anxiety, this thing called living is really scary to me.  All my old bag of tricks of survival were no longer available.  The euphoria was fun.  Now, I am learning to live in the sunshine.  I enjoy sunshine shining on the clouds.  I like feeling very, very happy.  I accept that sometimes I am also crushingly sad.  After integration, I started learning about the roller-coaster of emotions. 

How could a person not feel?  The first clue KavinCoach had that I was in serious trouble was the day he realized I was capable of feeling NOTHING.  Why would anyone pull this off?  As a child I was expected to be the peacemaker, loving, cheer up everyone, but not too excited since that isn't lady like; I was expected to be the "good" girl.  At the same time, down the street I walked into hell.  The neighborhood pedophile taught me to be a very "bad" girl.  Too young to know how to deal with this gross conflict, I did a childish thing.  I separated the two functions so I started living 2 lives.  Later when stresses became too great I split more until I was 5 different people.  One of the personalities 'job' was to feel NOTHING.  No emotion, no pain, no suffering, no empathy...zip...nada...nothing.  Integration day she and all the rest became ME and we were one glorious person in an adult body that was CLUELESS.  I had suddenly come alive. 

Part of living in the sunshine was learning about the vast array of emotions that are available.  Sometimes, I can take days figuring out what I feel.  Looking back one of the cruelest things perpetuated in my childhood both at home and in the neighborhood, what I felt was not ok.  I was told repeatedly that I could not feel anger, hatred, jealousy, all these 'bad' emotions meant I was a 'bad' person.  This lie tore at me.  Terrified me.  Because when I came alive I found out that there was a lake of anger just waiting to be felt.  I had a lot of years of being incredibly pissed off just waiting to happen.  Learning to process, understand, love my angry-self I learned a lot about emotion.  Depression can sometimes be rage without enthusiasm.  Depression can sometimes be a better choice then giving into the raging violence I am feeling.  Depression is something I use to hold down the rage long enough to process through what is hiding behind my anger.  KavinCoach taught me that anger comes second after hurt, frustration, and fear.  My childhood was loaded with all three.  Step-by-shaky-step I am learning to live in the Sunshine with the understanding that cloudy days happen too and that is part of being alive.     


*integration is the emotional process that brings back together the fragmented parts of someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD with dissociation at a severe level.

Without Clouds...

There would be no silver linings.

I grew up being chastised if I felt sad or down.  I would be told I was so fortunate that I had no right to be sad.  So then, I felt guilty for being sad.  Now, I think about sad days like cloud days.  Sometimes it is only during the sad times that I get some of the most spectacular views.