I have puzzled a long time as to how my parents did not know about how I functioned through most of my life. (For those that have not read my book at the bottom of the blog, until I was over 50 years old I functioned as a 5 part multiple personality from the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with Dissociation at a severe level.) Today I found a clue. One of the difficulties I had as a child, I was not allowed to set boundaries for myself on anything. KavinCoach explained that from my description of growing up that I was treated as an extension to my unhealthy mother. (She never had an "official" diagnostic since she refused to stay in counseling when it was recommended by her medical doctor. I suspect Narcissistic tendencies plus other borderline personality disorders in the mix.) A basic key to identity is to set boundaries. No boundaries, no identity. I called myself an ultimate chameleon. I could alter and change into anything, literally becoming whatever my mother wanted me to be. No boundaries, no problem of no single identity because I wasn't allowed to have one any way. My children however noticed. As teenagers some of them questioned me as to why I would behave one way in one place and another way somewhere else. I felt confused and frightened by their questions. I was in my 40's when I started counseling. I had a rude awakening 6 months into it. I had no idea how I functioned since for me when the other personalities were out these times were black outs. I knew I had physical health problems that caused passing out. It never occurred to me that the physical and the psychological were so deeply connected. Now I am studying several books about boundaries. What are they? What do they look like? How do they function? How do I defend them? Why do I need to defend them? I have a bazillion questions. NewCounselor is going to get a hefty review on, what is a boundary?
PS I really need to ask NewCounselor what he wants to be called.
7 comments:
At one point, NM was confronted with the information that my late older brother abused one of his own daughters and when NM said, "That's her and her mother's version of events." my younger brother and I lost it. We explained he'd also done things to both of us, as well as acting inappropriately with my daughter.
NM still refused to accept this as the truth. When I asked my counselor why NM denied evidence from so many sources he explained, if she faced reality, her carefully constructed world would collapse. This was the same reason she supported NF when he was physically and emotionally abusing their children.
Today, while he's in the act of screaming his filth at me, she will deny he's ever raised his voice to anyone. They have been together for 68 years so I'm guessing she no longer even realizes she is denying reality!
We are trying to make sense where there is no sense and finally accepting that their emotional deficit is not our burden to carry will set us free.
Maybe becoming a multiple was actually a complex survival mechanism that built a kind of protective cocoon around the real Ruth. Now, like a beautiful butterfly, she is emerging and I'm lucky enough to call her my friend.
Hugs and much love!
I agree. Being a multiple is what I call the ultimate survival tool. Complex and powerful yet it doesn't allow the person to live. I love the Butterfly analogy. Thanks mulderfan, your friendship is awesome.
Go you!!
I asked myself the same question about Narcissist, but I took it in a slightly different direction: http://pollywantanarcissist.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-could-they-not-know.html
I think this is something all people who come into contact with Narcissists wonder.
I liked your post! I think boundaries are absolutely essential to our core self and feeling safe. I'm sorry yours were violated.
Well, not trying to excuse parents in any way, but if you have parents who are self-absorbed and self-centered, they will not be able to 'see' who their own child is. I know the Dragon has held on to a LOT of ideas concerning who/what I am that she concluded when I was a child, that are completely inaccurate today. She simply didn't want to or was unable to shake her preconcieved notions or who/what I was/am.
So how did your children figure it out when your parents could not? It is the nature of children to do so. Children gather a large portion of knowledge through simple observation- especially in their early years. They observe you, their mother, who they see most often, and they observe other people. They learned your behaviors and compared them to other peoples behaviors, and something did not add up.
Your parents did not look at you when you were a child as someone/something they could learn from, your children did. It just depends on the eyes that are seeing it.
@ Laurel, Thanks.
@PWC Thanks for another perspective. I have been frustrated with their not seeing. It gets weirder when my dad would acknowledge that is just the way your mom is and then does nothing.
@NON I hadn't thought of the perspective that parents don't expect to learn from their children. I agree with children observing everything. They also are willing to question things that no body else will, like the 'Emperors New Clothes.'
Wow. Great insight NON.
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