Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Wanna live in the Sunshine

Wouldn't it be great if people could get to live suddenly as often as they die suddenly?
Katharine Hepburn

 I read this and the quote just blew me away.  Katharine Hepburn in one line described what it felt like when I realized I had integrated*.  The trees seemed suddenly greener.  Driving in traffic was just amazing.  I wanted to hug every single person I met and tell them how wonderful everything was.  It was a great day.  The sunshine was brighter.  Everything would be wonderful.  Then reality hit.  I had no idea how to live in the sunshine.  I understand dark clouds, terror, cowering, nightmares, anxiety, this thing called living is really scary to me.  All my old bag of tricks of survival were no longer available.  The euphoria was fun.  Now, I am learning to live in the sunshine.  I enjoy sunshine shining on the clouds.  I like feeling very, very happy.  I accept that sometimes I am also crushingly sad.  After integration, I started learning about the roller-coaster of emotions. 

How could a person not feel?  The first clue KavinCoach had that I was in serious trouble was the day he realized I was capable of feeling NOTHING.  Why would anyone pull this off?  As a child I was expected to be the peacemaker, loving, cheer up everyone, but not too excited since that isn't lady like; I was expected to be the "good" girl.  At the same time, down the street I walked into hell.  The neighborhood pedophile taught me to be a very "bad" girl.  Too young to know how to deal with this gross conflict, I did a childish thing.  I separated the two functions so I started living 2 lives.  Later when stresses became too great I split more until I was 5 different people.  One of the personalities 'job' was to feel NOTHING.  No emotion, no pain, no suffering, no empathy...zip...nada...nothing.  Integration day she and all the rest became ME and we were one glorious person in an adult body that was CLUELESS.  I had suddenly come alive. 

Part of living in the sunshine was learning about the vast array of emotions that are available.  Sometimes, I can take days figuring out what I feel.  Looking back one of the cruelest things perpetuated in my childhood both at home and in the neighborhood, what I felt was not ok.  I was told repeatedly that I could not feel anger, hatred, jealousy, all these 'bad' emotions meant I was a 'bad' person.  This lie tore at me.  Terrified me.  Because when I came alive I found out that there was a lake of anger just waiting to be felt.  I had a lot of years of being incredibly pissed off just waiting to happen.  Learning to process, understand, love my angry-self I learned a lot about emotion.  Depression can sometimes be rage without enthusiasm.  Depression can sometimes be a better choice then giving into the raging violence I am feeling.  Depression is something I use to hold down the rage long enough to process through what is hiding behind my anger.  KavinCoach taught me that anger comes second after hurt, frustration, and fear.  My childhood was loaded with all three.  Step-by-shaky-step I am learning to live in the Sunshine with the understanding that cloudy days happen too and that is part of being alive.     


*integration is the emotional process that brings back together the fragmented parts of someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD with dissociation at a severe level.

9 comments:

mulderfan said...

Accepting that "bad days" are just part of being human is hard. When I sobered up, I thought everything would suddenly get easy and instead it got harder. I was hiding in a bottle to avoid facing things like the fact that my husband was dead. When I sobered up he was still dead but now I had to deal with it.

I understand that I turned to alcohol because I didn't have the skills needed to deal with day to day living. I'm still learning those skills and some days it's a struggle but it does get easier!

Hope it works that way for you, too, Ruth.

Ruth said...

Thanks mulderfan. You are helping in more ways than you realize. Ruth

said...

Sending love & hoping you enjoy more sunshine as time goes on x

Ruth said...

Thank you. I'm working on it. :)

Insidesopen said...

Ruth- thanks for sharing your storey. Your blog is a wonderful journey to healing.

Ruth said...

Thanks.

Shaun said...

I sometimes wonder about how I'm able to disconnect from my feelings. I get pieces and parts from reading others' blogs. Sorry I've been a bad blog-buddy, but I hope to change that. Thank you for sharing your experiences, Ruth. I don't feel so alone reading about 'em.

Laurel Hawkes said...

You are not alone, not by any stretch of the imagination. Thanks for being brave enough to share the journey.

Ruth said...

Shaun I am glad that you don't feel alone. The experiences you have shared taught me so much. Thanks.

Laurel, thanks. :)