Redirect

I enjoy reading fellow bloggers that share ideas and life experiences.  Sometimes I get the gist of what they are saying, other times my mind goes galloping off in another direction.  upsi posted an interesting post about Nietzsche, http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2011/04/nietzsche.html. I had never heard of him.  Some how in my reading, he completely eluded me.  What was interesting to me was Alice Miller put his philosophy back in context with his childhood.  "Rather than criticize the women in his home who despised weakness and taught him obedience at all costs, he criticized Christianity itself, women themselves."  I pondered on how many people redirect their dislike for a group or someone because of a connection from childhood.  Then I took it a step farther, how do I redirect my beliefs based on my childhood.  Last night I acknowledged that I was angry with KavinCoach over telling me that I would only have to say bad stuff once.  I realized that I redirected my anger at him since he is far away and safe.  Even if KavinCoach was here, being angry with him would be OK.  He would let me talk it out and I would realize that I wasn't really angry with him at all.  I am hurt that my childhood still has such a huge negative influence in my life now.  I have worked consistently on trying to break the negative links to my past.  The hardest thing for me is that when I couldn't remember my childhood I still responded to triggers that had no conscious meaning but some how I knew at a level that seemed embedded in my thinking.  Exploring my past was like being handed a big, black bag with all sorts of objects in it.  Only I didn't get to open the bag.  All I could do was feel the objects in the bag and see if I could guess what happened.  Too many times, this was a painful process.  Doing it once was bad enough.  After KavinCoach moved, I felt a certain amount of information had to be retold, so NewCounselor would understand why I am working on the things I am doing.  I was bummed out because I really didn't want to say it again.  Memories are so difficult for me since I am never quite sure if what happened did actually happen.  The mind can reveal memories symbolically, mix past and present events together, change the face of hurtful person to either a stranger or someone you know depending on what works for bringing comfort, the mind/memory connect is really tricky for me.  If I was ever put on a witness stand, I would be declared an unreliable witness and one of the lawyers would verbally munch me.  Telling KavinCoach once I started to remember was hard enough.  I did go through a phase where I wanted to tell everybody everything.  Then I encounter Monet in one of my Art history classes.  His quote stuck in my mind.  "There is enough ugliness in the world, I do not need to create more of it."  The main reason I finally told my story in a book was to shine a light on a path I just traveled.  An added bonus was that many in my family read it and gained a new understanding.  I don't believe my past excuses me from becoming a better person.  For me, my past is a huge motivator to say, "There is a better way to live, lets find it, and share it to everyone we meet."  I am sorry I felt angry with KavinCoach.  I am thankful he is a person that kindly allows me my short comings.  Thanks KavinCoach.