N stands for Narcissistic person. The person may be a parent, boss, coworker, spouse or other individual close to you. I was stunned when I came across others that had a narcissistic parent. Seriously read the comments that lead up to this one. Not allowing a narcissistic control your life is not being unforgiving.
Penny
Cookie, I have been there/done that.
My N has said and done similar things. She was always setting me up to
be the bad guy, to take the fall, to be guilty of not caring enough or
doing enough or doing it right. I got cancer, she got a new husband.
I am convinced she will never die.
May I humbly suggest you stop rescuing her from her own decisions? Narcs are all about power and control. If she has the health and strength to refuse care and renege on commitments and keeps playing “both sides against the middle” (triangulation), then let her “own” it. Let the chips fall. Stop “feeding the monster”, and let natural consequences happen. She will rage and rail and recoil and exact revenge. You may have to watch it, but you won’t have to fix it. Get of her way and let her feel the burden of her choices.
I remember when I first began to remind my N of her own choices, and even to “agree” that she was “in control” of her own life….but not mine.
I began to say over and over and over, “you ARE in control…of you. Not me. It is your decision. However, I cannot _________” (fill in the blank).
I became a broken record of natural consequences. I stopped rescuing her. I began to tell the truth to her and anyone who asked. I got betrayed. I got blamed. I got cut out of the will (horrors!) I got scapegoated.
But I also got free. I began to realize that I was not “honoring my mother” by being controlled by her sin. I started creating boundaries (i.e.: I would hang up on her [after 3 warnings] if she persisted in verbal abuse.) I began to call it sin to her face and called her to repent. (Titus 3:10,11) She refused. I caught her in lies, exposed her duplicity, stopped covering for her. When people asked me about her, I told them she was abusive & that I could no longer expose myself to it. If they asked for more, I said that I had sinned by allowing it to continue for too long. That usually stopped the conversation because most of these folks knew the truth & had never defended me, but allowed me to be scapegoated, thus participating in her evil. (2 John 1:10, 11)
I eventually made the decision to avoid her, remove myself from her path (Romans 16:17) and let her have her “blessed control”. Lord have mercy, but “control” is only fun for a narc if they can control YOU. Take away the target (you) and control is no longer so much fun. But that is also when narcs reveal their true identities, and are unable to control their abusive tongues or maintain their public facade. She did not endear herself to others who now became targets of her control.
Eventually, I went NC. I had to….to restore my sanity. I was on the brink of suicide, literally. It was tough….it is still tough. Few people understand, especially family (including spouses). Most condemn me, & blame me for “destroying the family” (sic) but all are speechless when I responded by saying she had already destroyed the family w/o any help from me.
I have released her to God, and He is the One in control, not her. I have not retaliated against her, nor sought revenge. Yet, I am falsely accused of a variety of offenses (including being unforgiving, bearing a grudge, etc.) which is actually rather humorous since I have not uttered a single word to her or about her in over 3 years, so exactly what am I guilty of?
I began to learn that having boundaries was not punitive, but about protection and preservation. My boundaries were about protecting myself and my family, not about “punishing” her, nor about holding a grudge. If you protect yourself by locking doors at nite, is that holding a grudge against your neighbors?
The biggest spiritual offense for me was that her narcissism was so engulfing, so pervasive, so overwhelming that it forced me to look away from the Cross in order to focus ONLY on her. “What fellowship has light with darkness??” (2Cor 6:14) It became intolerable as she claimed to love the very Savior that she denied by demanding to be Queen of the throne. There was no room for the King of Kings as long as she remained on her throne. There was also no need for a Savior because she was never wrong! No, she had no need to repent of anything and blamed everyone else for her own behavior. When I had that epiphany, I stopped trying to “honor” her, realizing that she was making a mockery of my faith while using it for her own purposes, not God’s. She consistently dishonored the word of God, and I found that I could no longer bear it.
I am not saying going NC is right for every situation, nor am I implying that you should. But I am saying that you have a right to not be abused by the controlling nature of an elderly narc. I have searched the scriptures and cannot find anywhere that allows abuse simply b/c the person is old. If there is a wolf in the sheepfold, we need to flee, not feed it. We are all called to obedience and holiness and should run away from those who “maintain the appearance of godliness but deny its power…from such turn away.” (2 Tim 3: 5)
Sorry for the long post, and I hope this is taken as affirmation and not accusation. I totally understand your difficult circumstance. I will be praying for you!
May I humbly suggest you stop rescuing her from her own decisions? Narcs are all about power and control. If she has the health and strength to refuse care and renege on commitments and keeps playing “both sides against the middle” (triangulation), then let her “own” it. Let the chips fall. Stop “feeding the monster”, and let natural consequences happen. She will rage and rail and recoil and exact revenge. You may have to watch it, but you won’t have to fix it. Get of her way and let her feel the burden of her choices.
I remember when I first began to remind my N of her own choices, and even to “agree” that she was “in control” of her own life….but not mine.
I began to say over and over and over, “you ARE in control…of you. Not me. It is your decision. However, I cannot _________” (fill in the blank).
I became a broken record of natural consequences. I stopped rescuing her. I began to tell the truth to her and anyone who asked. I got betrayed. I got blamed. I got cut out of the will (horrors!) I got scapegoated.
But I also got free. I began to realize that I was not “honoring my mother” by being controlled by her sin. I started creating boundaries (i.e.: I would hang up on her [after 3 warnings] if she persisted in verbal abuse.) I began to call it sin to her face and called her to repent. (Titus 3:10,11) She refused. I caught her in lies, exposed her duplicity, stopped covering for her. When people asked me about her, I told them she was abusive & that I could no longer expose myself to it. If they asked for more, I said that I had sinned by allowing it to continue for too long. That usually stopped the conversation because most of these folks knew the truth & had never defended me, but allowed me to be scapegoated, thus participating in her evil. (2 John 1:10, 11)
I eventually made the decision to avoid her, remove myself from her path (Romans 16:17) and let her have her “blessed control”. Lord have mercy, but “control” is only fun for a narc if they can control YOU. Take away the target (you) and control is no longer so much fun. But that is also when narcs reveal their true identities, and are unable to control their abusive tongues or maintain their public facade. She did not endear herself to others who now became targets of her control.
Eventually, I went NC. I had to….to restore my sanity. I was on the brink of suicide, literally. It was tough….it is still tough. Few people understand, especially family (including spouses). Most condemn me, & blame me for “destroying the family” (sic) but all are speechless when I responded by saying she had already destroyed the family w/o any help from me.
I have released her to God, and He is the One in control, not her. I have not retaliated against her, nor sought revenge. Yet, I am falsely accused of a variety of offenses (including being unforgiving, bearing a grudge, etc.) which is actually rather humorous since I have not uttered a single word to her or about her in over 3 years, so exactly what am I guilty of?
I began to learn that having boundaries was not punitive, but about protection and preservation. My boundaries were about protecting myself and my family, not about “punishing” her, nor about holding a grudge. If you protect yourself by locking doors at nite, is that holding a grudge against your neighbors?
The biggest spiritual offense for me was that her narcissism was so engulfing, so pervasive, so overwhelming that it forced me to look away from the Cross in order to focus ONLY on her. “What fellowship has light with darkness??” (2Cor 6:14) It became intolerable as she claimed to love the very Savior that she denied by demanding to be Queen of the throne. There was no room for the King of Kings as long as she remained on her throne. There was also no need for a Savior because she was never wrong! No, she had no need to repent of anything and blamed everyone else for her own behavior. When I had that epiphany, I stopped trying to “honor” her, realizing that she was making a mockery of my faith while using it for her own purposes, not God’s. She consistently dishonored the word of God, and I found that I could no longer bear it.
I am not saying going NC is right for every situation, nor am I implying that you should. But I am saying that you have a right to not be abused by the controlling nature of an elderly narc. I have searched the scriptures and cannot find anywhere that allows abuse simply b/c the person is old. If there is a wolf in the sheepfold, we need to flee, not feed it. We are all called to obedience and holiness and should run away from those who “maintain the appearance of godliness but deny its power…from such turn away.” (2 Tim 3: 5)
Sorry for the long post, and I hope this is taken as affirmation and not accusation. I totally understand your difficult circumstance. I will be praying for you!
