What did you wish you knew about DID when you were first diagnosed?
Fast answer: I wish I had known that it was actually a complex protection from horrible events and experiences. It was not intended for long term use but I didn't know anything else.
Thought about it: Looking back in life is a different perspective than in the moment.
My counselor knew before I did that my behavior was a bit complex. He later shared with me that he listened to my husband describe me as irresponsible, forgetful, and unreliable then compared it to his view of over responsible, time gaps, and very caring. He felt like he was hearing about two different people. He recognized the behavior as two different people wrapped into one. Later we learned I was 5 different people functioning together. Rather than telling me I had PTSD, DID, or CPTSD he let me explore things on my own. I started counseling in May. In September he assigned me to watch the movie Sybil. First he asked me if I had ever seen the movie or the 3 Faces of Eve. I had never seen either movie. I couldn’t get a copy of Sybil any where except ASU. I could not check it out so they asked me to use a viewing room. Half way through I started to cry. I was watching an outward expression of my inner life. My life tilted and suddenly things that didn’t make any sense made sense. My confusion of going to sleep on Monday and waking up on Wednesday and wondering what happened to Tuesday and why am I in trouble for doing or not doing something. There was a reason behind it. A number of events in my life became clarified when put into this scenario of different personalities being forward and other parts receding back to deal with different situations.
I am glad I didn’t know from the beginning how difficult the journey would be to integration. Sometimes not knowing how hard a task will be, allows me to keep moving forward because I did not think I could stop. In some ways, I wish I knew sooner but I did the research of over 30 years of writing about DID and PTSD. Bottom line, sooner diagnosis could have been hazardous to my health. Early treatment included dangerous medications, institutionalizing in mental hospitals unequipped to address my challenges, and shock therapy. More trauma heaped on those that are already traumatized. There are still many who don’t believe it is real. I lived it. I now understand I created an elaborate protection system that allowed me to do things that a sane person would never do. I survived extreme trauma; I did it using multiple personalities. I tagged teamed myself to cope with varying extreme expectations and difficult experiences. I wish I was kinder to myself through this process of integration and learning better life skills.
To learn more about DID I recommend several books on my resources page. The book that I felt was most accurate:
Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out, Barry M. Cohen; Esther Giller; Lynn W. (Editor), The Sidran Press, Lutherville, MD, 1991. ISBN: 0-9629164-0-4
If I read only this book, it would give
me more information than all the other books combined. I felt this book,
written by multiples for multiples and their families, was key to my
understanding how many challenges I face everyday, and a variety of
suggestions to make life better.
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