My counselor took a while figuring out where I was at emotionally and what needed to be done. Not his fault. I had no memories to tell about my childhood. The ones I did have I didn't share because I held to the 'past is the past let's get on with living.' So he asked. I didn't know. Once the stories started coming out and my total lack of shock or surprise at man's inhumanity to man he carefully explained that I was not a weird little girl growing up to having all these problems. I was a "normal" little girl raised in insanity and I learned to adapt. Stop adapting. Huh What???? Adapting is what I do best. I can morph into anything that someone else wants me to be. One of the movies he had me watch was Run Away Bride. He told me to watch the bride. The bride adapted her likes and wishes to every prospective fiance. When asked what kind of eggs she liked, she didn't know. She adapted her tastes to everyone else's. To stop adapting I need to establish that I have basic human rights. Then I need an opinion. That is right. I did not have an opinion.
My counselor was fishing for an answer...what do you like? What do you do that makes you happy? What brings you joy? I refused to answer every question. He watched me carefully and was fully aware of me deepening distrust with every question he asked. He decided to put off the discussion and wait for a bit until I was more willing to share my opinions. I was rattled and upset by his wanting to know about what I liked, my preferences, what brings me joy. I looked around the sporting department and found the biggest fishing hook I could find. The hook measured about 3 inches long (over 7 cm). I then bought an Almond Joy candy bar. I carefully skewered the fish hook through the word joy on the candy bar. I brought it with me the following week counseling session. One look at the 3 D visual aid he knew I was not telling him anything about my preferences any time soon. I associated very bad things happening if people knew what I liked. My preferences, wishes and desires were twisted and manipulated to control me. If I had no likes, they had no way of getting their hooks in me. Very disturbing scary stuff and my counselor knew it. He let that rest and focused on my Bill of Rights. I highly recommend this activity. I am reminding myself that I need to revisit what my rights are as a human being. I shared one of my lists over on my other blog.....
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2014/06/i-have-rights.html
I give a link to the book I read that had the information. After writing my bill of rights I learned that I have preferences within those rights.
For example one of my basic rights is I have the right to have extra food in the house.
For a person that was often expected to go hungry so someone else could have seconds this was a critical need. However, what those food items are indicate my preferences. Yes, I have extra soy free chocolate bars in my refrigerator. I also have an extra apple. I have some food on the shelf for years, I don't always eat the extra food I have the right to have it if I choose to. It is amazing. That I can do this now.
So why am I writing all this now. I posted my human rights list over 3 years ago, I wrote them long before that. Why now? My World changed abruptly with several major things hitting at the same time. Other people are expecting me to adapt to these huge changes. I am reminding myself, "NO I DON'T." I am not the one that needs to throw out all my progress to be me so they are comfortable. NO. First, I need to reestablish in my own mind what am I protecting, what are my preferences and what do I like. I'm in a situation I don't like right now, the recipe for misery is for me to adapt. I'm good at it but I know it leads me down a dark horrible hole that I don't want to go back to...I must stop adapting.
Sometimes you just have to turn around, give a little smile, throw the match and burn that bridge.
Awesome picture at http://cheezburger.com/8420808192
New one I found in my search for the source of this quote, "May the bridges I burn light your way."
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