Too hard too long

Equals collapse. 

Not only does my body hold a grudge, if I push too hard too long it completely collapses on me.  It does not work for me to compare to someone else.  I can't compare myself to the week before.  It is like each activity can have a hefty pay load or fade into easy routine.  For example, a week ago, thanks to parts from the computer class at school, I was able to revive a computer that sat around our house dead for about 6 years.  I pulled off all the files and will donate the XP carcass to the school since it is their parts making it run.  I was elated to get it up and running.  However, seeing some of those files is ripping off emotional scabs left and right.  The sum total - exhaustion. 

I try regular routines that I get fairly good at but life is anything but routine.  It is also nearing the end of school.  I have less to do which means too much time on my hands and my adventurous brain wanders off on forbidden paths of remembering.  I have to remind myself I am also putting my neck out on a few projects that I felt shut down when things went differently than I expected.  I am working at stepping back, surveying the chaos and picking out those pieces that are most useful. 

I believe that each of us have opportunities every day to move forward, sadly fear, habits in thinking, and general inertia keeps us where we are.  Pushing myself to my limits, reminds me fairly rudely that I have limits.  But if I hadn't pushed myself so hard for so long I would still be sitting on the couch 25 hours a day like I did when I was in my 30's.  The reason I am working full time and doing all the things I am doing know was because I refused to live the half life my body was giving me.  I fought back, hard.  Counseling for 10 years is no picnic.  Facing medical field and its overwhelming lack of knowledge about some things is extremely difficult.  Doing my own research instead of trusting their verdict was stepping way out of my comfort zone into a mind field of possibilities.  I learned when my grandson showed up with my physical symptoms, it really isn't all in my head. 

Today I rested...but I still feel tired.  Tomorrow another day of rest that is anything but restful.  Attending church is challenging for me.  So much peopling involved.  However, I really like some of the people.  I learned about being an introvert and it makes sense.  My challenges are physical, emotional and how I am as a person.  My limits are many and I push at them constantly, sometimes they push back. 

Assessing where I am.