Grandma duties called

I love being a grandma.  And like any Grandma I fell asleep on the couch afterwards.  Have a great day.

Emotional day...

I woke up crying from a nightmare event that happened years ago when my kids were tiny.  Rather than just pushing the memory and the emotion away, I did as NewCounselor suggested and allowed myself to 'sit' with the emotion.  I felt first grief, then guilt, then sorrow for the event.  I could not undo what had happened.  Through the day I allowed myself to experience one emotion after another.  While at church, I thought about the earlier event.  I tried to listen but my mind kept going back to the previous thought like picking at a scab.  Instead of fighting, I let it happen.  Later in the day, I was talking with some friends and sharing what I believe and felt about church and felt another set of emotions, gratitude mixed with love for how people can touch our lives.  Then later that evening, several of our adult children's families came over for a shared dinner and I felt another set of emotions of joy and wonder at how amazing our kids are.  I slowed my mind down and allowed myself to feel each emotion and sort out what combinations were hiding inside each emotion.  No wonder I find emotions confusing; rarely did just one feeling or emotion exist at a time.  It seemed like each event and memory generated 4 or 5 different feelings triggered by different emotions.  (One of the interesting things that New Counselor explained is that he divided emotions and feelings into two separate groups.)  Today I considered the wide spectrum of feelings I had in just one day.  From deep sorrow to peaceful joy all in a day, no wonder emotions are compared to a wild roller-coaster ride.   

Emotion research

I am bummed out.  I tried doing research on my own about emotions and was hit with so much conflicting information I could not sort it out.  I am looking back over past information to see if I can get better information.  I was floored by one author being so proud of working out a way of comparing emotions to the way a computer works.  Are you kidding me?  Computers are completely amoral and are STUPID.  Computers know high and low voltage and that is it.  Now it can do that very fast but anyone that tries to compare humans to computers is an absolute nut case to me.  (I was learning C++ programming and I fixed computers for 15 years, I know how dumb computers can be.)  Another said that emotions can not be denied.  I am sitting here reading going,"Yes, they can."  True, the price for disconnecting from emotions is terrible, but everything I have learned about disconnecting from emotions it is the last resort.  I did it as a last resort about age 9.  Undoing what I did is just as difficult.  In my opinion, if you are hurting so much that you wish you could die and you disconnect, you are just as dead as if you pulled the trigger.  Taking a break is not the same as disconnecting.  A break is the - I will think about this tomorrow - I have to do something right now I will feel and process this later - I can't cope right now, but in a few days I will consider what is happening.  Disconnect becomes as if the emotion never happened.  The interesting thing I discovered that when I found my disconnected emotions, they were completely intact as if I just felt them.  KavinCoach spent a lot of time helping me process a lake of stored emotion that was almost as raw as the day I disconnected from it.  A tough slow process because the emotions that want to be processed are usually the fear based emotions.  Now, that I think about it another thing that has occurred is I will just be doing something mundane like driving or walking or cleaning house and I will get this soft, warm, lovely, glow of the world is just beautiful.  So in an interesting way I am processing the joyful emotions too.  I am excited about what I am learning from NewCounselor.  Emotions have layers.  I watched Shrek.  Ogres have layers.  Does that mean emotions are ogres?  What do you think?

http://www.shrek.com/

Conquer ourselves

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.  Edmund Hillary

My Quotes widget sends me a wide variety of quotes and some make me think.  Others I wonder who on Earth would say a thing like that. Again it made me think.  This week I have done a lot of thinking about controlling and conquering myself.  My session in counseling centered on my most difficult subject ~ emotions.  My questions are many and sometimes I feel like I missed a life time since I learned at a young age in the most brutal way that it is possible to suppress emotion until you can no longer feel any.  Dissociation is the ability to disconnect from your emotions.  At a severe level, I felt almost nonhuman since all human experience is based in emotion.  I once said that dissociation is like sitting outside of the candy store in the winter time seeing the people inside warm and happy and sharing, but you are not allowed in.  You want to be but you seem to be locked out.  I was working on an art project and the professor told me to go with how I feel.  I had worked with the man for many years and trusted him enough that I candidly told him I had no idea what he meant.  He spent 3 hours trying to get me to understand then realized I really didn't get it.  He commented to me how nice it must be to not feel pain of hurt feelings.  I agreed then replied I also cannot feel Joy.  He was startled.  I knew he had 2 daughters and I asked him how he would feel if his daughter was getting married and he was very happy for her but could not tell her with feeling.  He could say the words but no emotion would accompany his words. Or any one can tell you that an apology without feeling is no apology at all.  My new counselor is starting to work with me on explaining how we feel and what the feelings mean and how they can be changed.  I have heard the words before but I have only really been able to fully feel things for 2 years since I integrated.  The first complete feeling I experienced and identified was boredom.  In all my 50+ years I had never felt boredom.  It is an awful feeling.  I understand much better why people will go to such great lengths not to feel bored.  Being a creative sort I quickly mastered what to do when I feel bored.  I don't feel it often but I can if I want to.  Other emotions are much more difficult since emotions can body slam you with too much at once.  Or fluctuate and change with a rapidness of thought.  Conquer myself is the final goal.  Understanding and using my emotions a massive challenge on the way to that goal.

 

Living my own life

I'm happy about the things I've done. Not always happy about the results, but happy about the decisions, because I made them myself. And I think that's an important way to go through life.

Kevin Costner

My Quote widget comes up with some interesting quotes.  The more I read this one the better I like it.  I am learning a lot about doing things myself.  Before integration I was run by a committee.  Now, I do things myself.  I like going through life this way.  

Why I don't text!

Some things in life just got to be shared...


http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2yuudR/www.buzzfeed.com/waynem2/top-10-crazy-texts-from-parents-1tsf

Found a new goal

This quote came in my Quotes widget.  I want to work towards trusting myself.  One of the hazards I faced being raised by NM EF is I don't trust or believe myself.  I want to do that.

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

One Angry Daughter has a wonderful post on 4 question to ask about a situation.  I thought it was so good I wanted to share the link.  Enjoy an excellent post. 

http://www.oneangrydaughter.com/2011/02/4-way-test.html

Anger - Friend or Foe?

Enduring is like tying a knot at the end of your rope and hanging on.  But who wants to go through life just hanging on to the end of their rope?  Now I highly recommend enduring over sinking into hopelessness and suicidal thoughts but just enduring does not make much of a life.  I am learning that emotions are great motivators.  I do things to be happy.  This is the reward system of motivation and for me it works fairly well.  But another more powerful motivator is anger.  Growing up being angry was BAD.  Therefore, I was punished when I was angry.  Now this confused me because one of the reasons I would get angry was someone was hurting me.  So I spent my childhood suppressing anger because it was BAD and still getting hurt.  As a teenager, I saw the destructive forces of uncontrolled anger and felt I had to agree that anger was BAD and I needed to suppress it myself.  I became so good at it I could dissociate completely from feeling angry.   Very impressive level of self control with one huge cheat, I was a multiple and I actually used this to shift the anger to another unreachable part of myself.  I did not rid myself of anger ~ I put it in cold storage. (Maybe it was hot storage?)  The interesting thing for me is when I entered counseling I finally realized that KavinCoach was trying to get me angry on purpose.  With my perception that anger was BAD, why on earth would KavinCoach purposely piss me off?  For the next several years I learned about anger, which by the way is a secondary emotion, but the easiest to provoke.  I learned that anger is like fire.  In a forest fire with the fire whipping through the trees destroying all in its path, fire is BAD.  However, put a fire in the belly of a steam engine and feed the fire trees an entire train could be moved cross the country.  Or in my day, I watched as the combustion engines launched a rocket to the moon.  On a personal basis, there is nothing like being pissed off to get the house cleaned in a hurry.  Anger channeled towards positive change can be liberating.  As long as I endured being treated as a second class citizen, nothing would change.  As long as I accepted unkind behavior, nothing would change.  I could not change the other person but I could change my reaction.  Anger was the power to get me out of my rut of passive acceptance and simply enduring life.  However, neither anger or rapid change are comfortable on a long term basis.  Once I got out of the rut I could look around and decide where I wanted my life to go.  Change happened.  Anger can be my friend or foe, depending on how I use it.     

Endure

I thought a lot this week about the suicide note shared at upsi blog.  Why did I survive?  I understood the darkness that Bill Z. faced, but what made the difference?  The word ENDURE came to mind.  Endure is what I did through a root canal.  Endure is what I did when I had cancer.  Endure is what I did when I spent a week in the hospital with my head wired trying to see why I passed out daily.  Endure is what I did at night when the nightmares became so bad I wouldn't sleep more than 3 hours a night.  Sometimes I endured just 5 minutes at a time.  While I endured, I hoped for an answer.  While I endured, I prayed to learn a better way to live.  While I endured, I did my own research.  While I endured, I admitted I didn't know the answers and sought help from somebody else.  KavinCoach encouraged me to keep on enduring while he taught me the difference between just surviving and thriving.  Endurance is not glamours, fun, or easy.  Picture in your own mind what does Endurance look like to you?  

The last half of Matt. 10:22 has new meaning to me: he that endureth to the end shall be saved.

If you are in a really bad place and don't have an answer I encourage you to endure until a better answer is found. 

Inner Child

www.innerkiddies.com

This is one of the web pages that I have listed on the web resource pages.  I moved away from using her page after I integrated.  In fact, I found myself getting really irritated with anyone talking about caring for their inner child.  One of the recent innerkiddies emails talked specifically about finding your innerkiddie:
"I think the hardest part of understanding this inner child thing is attaching a persona to thoughts we think that are contrary to what we want to do.  In other words, unless we are very aware, we do things that are self-sabotaging.  Self-help is nothing new and yet how many of us really know how to help ourselves?  We like to get help from professionals, books, support groups and such when all along there is wisdom within us that unless we pay attention to it, we miss it.
I have loved the results of meeting and forging a relationship with my inner child Nelly.  She’s not a real child with blood and bones, but she’s a real child with thoughts and feelings and she was with me even though I didn’t know it, eight years ago when I was under the pressure of $26,000 plus in credit card debt.  When my house was a mess 34 years ago I now know she was there because my reason to get the place organized was so that I’d have more free time to play!  And I played with her to lose the 35 pounds in two years I’ve been telling about.
Suggesting to those having trouble imagining this inner child, to find a photo of themselves from their childhood has helped many.  When you look at a picture of yourself when you were young and innocent it can help you be more patient, kind and compassionate with yourself as you reclaim your balance and the peace that comes with that."


I had no problem with this, since I had 4 innerkiddies.  Actually they would have been highly insulted to be called an innerkiddie.  I think the trouble I have been feeling lately is this is what a multiple is.  So what is the difference.  I decided the difference is choice.  If a person chooses to view themselves as a child that needs comforting, nurturing, and fun it is OK.  But if you switch without choice that is not OK.  I realized I was well on my way to become an integration snob.  I rethought the purpose of innerkiddies.  This is what I have decided, some people will not say, "I need to take care of myself."  But they are willing to imagine a child that needs nurturing and caring and they are willing to take the time to care for this inner child.  I think I can go back to reconsider the whole taking care of that inner child because I still need to take care of me.  It is not the same as switching since I know who is doing the doing. 

Shay

Email sent to me by my sister.  Thanks.    Two Choices

What would you do?  You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one.

Read it anyway.

My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and it
dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?'

I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father Ialso understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still
behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the
plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly, so Shay could at least
make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . The smallest guy on their team who now
had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both
teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer.

He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message.

 Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:

1. Delete

2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day.

Cliches a different view...

If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side.  

Did they consider that they needed to abandon the situation since there was no bright side?  Did they consider that their expectations were off?  Did they consider that maybe the beauty is in the dull side?  I wonder how many times I tried to change a bad situation into a good one, when I really was looking at the situation all wrong.  I had one situation that after many years, and no matter how hard I tried, I can not change the behavior of someone else.  On the other hand, a different person, in a different situation gave me a true apology and I didn't know how to behave.  The other person brightened up a situation that I was really discouraged and couldn't see a bright side.  I am learning that a statement like this works sometimes.  

The last thing...

Out of Pandora's box was HOPE.  

Darkness sometimes wins

Warning tough read.  

Over at upsi's blog I read a letter from Bill Zeller who chose to end his life rather than fight the darkness any more.  http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2011/02/darkness.html Before KavinCoach, I could have written this letter.  I once told someone that if I ever committed suicide it would be more of an execution to destroy the darkness within me.  I was fortunate that KavinCoach helped me see that there is another option.  I do believe in Christ and that belief has helped me in my darkest hours.  I still felt while reading Bill's story a deep connection between his experience and mine.  From my past, the lives touched by the pedophile there are 3 murders and 5 suicides.  Those lost lives still haunt me.  I am committed to living but still sometimes at night I am haunted by a darkness that only evil can create.  Memories so horrendous that staying up for days is preferable to facing the nightmares.  I hope where ever Bill's soul is, he found the peace he so desperately craved.  I do believe that there is a way out of darkness if you can put any trust in someone else.  I feel fortunate that I found someone that helped me see another choice.  I feel fortunate that I did learn to have faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  The darkness of depression described by Bill Zeller is not a figment of his imagination.  I continue to write because I wish I could tell the Bill Zeller's of this world that another choice exist.  The darkness can be beat. 

Cliches

Ever wonder why cliches hang around for such a long time?  They work.  Annoyingly sometimes.  I remember a joke told about a student studying Shakespeare, "I don't know why we have to study this stuff, it's just a bunch of cliches strung together."  I was sent a link to an article that is loaded with them but it has some interesting points.  Things I haven't thought about for awhile.  I let you check it out and see what you think. 
http://www.sideroad.com/Self_Help/find-yourself-create-yourself.html

Sometimes....

Sometimes I just don't know what I want to post then I see it.  That perfect quote that so captures some wayward quirk deep inside but needs somebody else to say it.  Thanks Mark Twain...You really came through.  

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Mark Twain

After reading a couple of other blogs I think this is left too wide.  For those that think I am condoning lies that is not my intent.  I suspect Mark Twain was commenting on writing.  I guess where it struck me is I am dealing with a person that lives in fantasy land.  I would love it if they could get the facts first before twisting things around.  Perhaps what really needs to happen is for there to be a sarcasm font.  I suspect that is more the mood I am in right now.  Sarcasm lots and lots of it.   

Compassionate Parenting

I spent some time catching up today.  I read the things I missed for a couple of days.  I enjoy visiting the different blogs to check how things are going.  For some bloggers, no news is good news.  For others a long stretch can be they are wrestling something tough.  And other times they are cheerfully busy going through life.  It is a fascinating world that I am fairly new to it. 

I visit upsi's blog quite often.  I stumbled across her blog in cyberspace and I am glad I landed there.  She reads and shares wonderful ideas.  This link I wish I had read before I had children instead I share it with anyone that is interested.  Upsi read about Chinese women being praised for being 'good mothers' because the children became high achievers.  No comments were made in the article as to what high achievement has to do with being a good mother.  I like this list upsi found on what it takes to be a compassionate parent that teach children to care about themselves and others.  I think my kids would have had a better childhood if I learned these principles when they were little. 

http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2011/02/teaching-tiger-mom-compassion.html

Thanks upsi. 

Transactions

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus.  Emma Goldman

Valentines day bring out all the mush movies about love.  I changed the station to the most violent movie I could find.  I thought a lot about love lately especially a mother's love.  I wrote the two sides I have seen and like the song, "Still some how it's loves illusion" that I see.  I have worked a long time to become a person I can admire and be proud to say, "This is me."  Dave Pelzer said it best in one of his books when he was asked if he wished that he had a different childhood.  "I like the man I am today and I would not be that man without the experiences that I had."  In a very twisted way I am a little jealous of Dave, here's why.  His mother was an alcoholic and she physically abuse him.  People look at the situation and Dave gets instant sympathy.  People understand immediately because after all he had an abusive, alcoholic mother.  People tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful mother.  I cringe every time.  My mother is not an alcoholic and she never hit me in a way that anybody could see.  The worse abuse was to my emotions and my sense of self.  There are no scars, no marks, no proof that any damage occurred.  What I have heard the most is "You are over sensitive.  If you would just..." You can fill in the rest with any number of suggestions I could do to become the perfect daughter.  I tried them all and still the resentment from my mother existed because my crime was I was born a girl which in my mother's mind made me an instant enemy - competition.  I want what every other little child wants a mother to love her.  To me, component of that love is respect.  I do believe the quote where there is no respect there can be no love.  The quote above in-bodies my mother's treatment of me.  If I do x, y, z for her then she will consider doing a, b, c for me.  Always I feel that we are negotiating a deal.  Unfortunately, I don't want to play anymore.  I am tired of looking for ways to please my mother to  keep her love glowing towards me.  Because I know suddenly from out of the blue she will lash out with words so vicious that my head reals at the lashing.  She will only do this in private so I am careful not to be alone with her if I can avoid it.  I have no visible scars, I have no evidence, I just have the pain in my heart to tell me that I didn't deserve her treatment.  I appreciate the kind support from readers and some of my family members.  Other bloggers that are leading the way out of the FOG make such a difference.  Thank you and may each of you find the kind of love that warms your heart.          

Pictures for fun

Get the ball! Get the Ball! Get the BALL!!!!

Soooo tired.

Is this my best side?

Old Faithful wannabe.

Say WHAT?

Have a beautiful day!

Asking for help

http://somuchmorethanamom.com/2011/02/08/asking-for-help/

Doodling through cyberspace landed me on Cyndi's blog.  I thought it would be an interesting one to check out and discovered that she put into words a struggle I have of asking for help.  

Book on Forgiveness

My last entry on forgiveness generated a lot of comments.  I appreciate all the information shared and thoughts added.  One of the books I planned to review when I was done was Forgiveness Is A Choice by Robert D. Enright, Phd*.  I am not finished with the book yet but I am going to share a bit of a review to share another perspective.  This book is a text book for a college course.  Since it is at a university, one of the requirements was to take religion out of the definition.  This was new to me right off.  Forgiveness had always been combined with religion in my growing up years.  Also he gave a name to the weird type of forgiveness that I should forgive my abusers when they were still abusing me.  Enright's term is "pseudo-forgiveness."  He reinforced KavinCoach's belief that forgiveness does not mean I continue to let the other person hurt me.  It does not mean that I should trust somebody that is not to be trusted.  The book goes on to present forgiveness in a very different light than how I was taught growing up.  I do believe that part of my moving forward is to stop abuse, learn healthy ways to protect myself, and distance is one of those healthy choices.  I am exploring this concept because I want to feel peace when I think about my childhood.  I don't want memories to ruin my day.  When I meet someone that hurt me in the past, I want to be able to greet them if it is safe, but to cross to the other side of the road, if it isn't.  One of the conversations that startled KavinCoach was the day that I talked about working on forgiving the pedophile in my past.  KavinCoach asked why I wanted to do this.  My answer, "If I can forgive him, then perhaps I can be forgiven."  I have made plenty of mistakes in my past.  Some of my actions have hurt those close to me.  I want very much to be forgiven of my short comings.  I also want to be able to look at the person that hurt me and be able to say, "What you did, does not define me.  Who I am, is not defined by you.   I am an amazing person that you missed out getting to know."  I don't feel that way yet, but I have learned that even the loftiest of dreams can come true when it is me that I am changing. 

* http://www.forgiveness-institute.org/html/featured_books.htm

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not accepting the person back into your life...Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been different......

 A friend posted this as her status on Facebook.  It is a different perspective that I want to think about for awhile and explore it a little.  

I have worked for years on forgiveness.  I read scriptures, articles, even found a book on the subject.  I have a few theories of my own.  I created a notebook with all the bits and pieces.  I included the distortions about forgiveness that I learned as a child.  I was taught that I had to forgive...But the other person didn't need to stop hurting me.  This type of distortion taught me I was bad if I didn't tolerate and forgive my abusers while they continued to hurt me.  Somewhere along the way I figured this was all wrong.  Whenever I want to find out about something, I learn what other people say about it.  I think one of my favorites is a quote that I found so long ago I don't remember the source.  

"Not forgiving is like eating rat poison and hoping the other person will die."  

I also learned that forgiveness in my mind has nothing to do with the other person.  It is a gift I give to myself.  

One of the things I believe is forgiveness means the other person actions no longer have the power to hurt me.  I need to get myself to a safe place then I can forgive.    

The opening quote is looking at forgiveness in another light.  I think this quote really struck me this week since I am currently going through the process of accepting that a person that is important to me will never be able to be what I hope for.  At the age of 9 I was given the instruction to take care of my mom and keep her happy.  This week I let go of that responsibility which was never mine in the first place.  I am working at forgiving my parents for placing such a heavy burden on me.   The first step was to stop carrying the burden.  I am now grieving for a relationship that never happened and probably never will.  It is hard when your parents die.  It is even harder when they are still living but can't be a parent to you.  

Calvin and Hobbes

One of my favorite cartoons.  I think I love this comic strip because it addresses the world from a kids point of view with an adult twist.  Sunday's funnies nailed a problem I always have with trying to make things black and white.  http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2011/02/06/

KavinCoach told me many times that I needed a dimmer switch so I could see the shades of gray.  Much of life is lived out in the gray areas.

 

Shake it off and Step UP

 I first got this in an email.  I was thinking about it today and thought I would share.  Enjoy

 

Shake it off and take a step up

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realising what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovelfuls later, he quieted down completely.
The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing some thing amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbours. Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! 
And finally, the donkey gave the farmer who tried to bury him a good kicking. Which brings me to another moral for this story - When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you.

Author Unknown 

http://www.agiftofinspiration.com.au/stories/persistence/shake.shtml

http://lessoninlife.com/2007/05/07/donkey-tale/

http://www.berro.com/entertainment/donkey_story.htm

Plus many more... 

Painting

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.  Vincent Van Gogh

I love this quote.  When I changed my major to photography I knew my greatest challenge would be to pass drawing 101.  I took that class first.  I figured if I couldn't pass it there was no point changing majors since it was a required class.  I learned something in that class.  I wasn't bad at drawing; the first drawing teacher I had in 7th grade didn't know how to teach.  She could give assignments and praise kids with natural talent but the fault was not all mine that I didn't do well in her class.  What was profound was her advice to me to NEVER take another art class because I was so bad at it. I didn't for years until I started working in the Art department at the university.  I graduated with honors with a Bachelors in Fine Arts ~ Photography.  True, my painting teacher almost turned purple trying not to laugh when she saw my first self portrait.  I finally gave her permission to laugh and she absolutely roared.  I did get the compliment at the end of her class of getting an A and the honor of Most Improved.  I laughed because the only way I had to go was up.  I don't paint much now other than an abstract mural left in the Art faculty lunch room.  My legacy at the university.  I still draw.  The miracle of drawing is that I have to focus so carefully on what I am drawing that I could reduce pain medication after surgery.  I can calm nightmares in the middle of the night.  My favorite subject ~ great big flowers.  I just realized, I hide my drawings like a secret fetish.  I wonder why.  Maybe with releasing so many secrets my poor brain needs to replace it with a new safe secret.   

Angels

..for He shall give his angels charge over thee to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands...(Psalms 91:11-12)


Greg Olsen Art
From facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/?sk=lf#!/photo.php?fbid=10150097339958137&set=a.95677078136.83886.38599663136
The picture I wish I could post:
http://www.gregolsenart.com/catalog/21/54


I started collecting angels years ago before I started counseling.  They kept sneaking into my life and my office with my encouragement.  I bought them at thrift stores and Christmas clearance.  Fairies are included in my collection.  Fairies are like bright sprites from childhood that linger to remind me that life is good even in the darkest woods.  

That's Funny!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

 Orson Welles

Sent to me in an  email:  Thanks!!!!

Witticisms
 

It 's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface   was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money   can throw one heck of a party.

I didn't like this joke, since I am editing, I deleted it.

I love the power of delete.

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you..

Reality is only an illusion.

Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you   Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name..

<> One good thing about Alzheimer's is   you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama  state motto:   At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

You know why a banana is like a politician?
When he first comes in he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten..

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
 

Both Sides Now

The song 'Both Sides Now' kept going through my mind over and over.  So I did a little research and found that it was rated 170th on the list of 500 greatest songs.  It was a single back in the 60's.  I literally have known this song about as long as I can remember.  Lyrics can be found at all these different links.  It even ranked a spot in Wikipedia.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Both_Sides,_Now

http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/lifeasahouse/bothsidesnow.htm

http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/g/glencampbell8904/bothsidesnow466046.html

http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/neil-diamond-lyrics/both-sides-now-lyrics.html