Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Silence is not always Golden

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim; accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself."
~Harvey Fierstein...thanks to my friend.
 Thank you to my blogging friends for speaking up when silence is not OK.   
Over at Diary of a Scapegoat http://diaryofascapegoat.blogspot.com/2011/11/amazing-post-over-at-emerging-from.html she shared a link to a great article on when people tell you to "get over it", "put it behind you", or my favorite when they, the abuser, tell you to "forgive and forget."  One thing I have noticed that the person most likely telling me this is the person that hurt me in the first place.  They don't want to be held accountable for their actions so they expect me to be quite and go about my life since they did.  I am now in my 9th year of counseling.  Yes, I have been asked more than once when I would be able to "move on" with my life.  More than once I thought I had gotten to that point, then too much happens and I have another internal melt down.  I feel so discouraged.  I was given all sorts of advice and most of it I had no idea how to accomplish what they suggested.  
Counseling with KavinCoach changed my life.  He listened.  He thought carefully about what I said.  Then he would ask me to watch a movie or read a book and come back and report what I thought about it.  He encouraged me to think things through for myself and to come to my own conclusions.  He guided me.  But reminded me that I was the one deciding where I went with my life.  Most importantly he expected me to talk and talk and talk.  I remember early on in the counseling that he would get frustrated with me for practicing what I would say.  He wanted me to talk spontaneously.  One day he took me off subject into an area we had not previously discussed and I had not practiced.  I started talking then my voiced trailed away and finally I could open and shut my mouth but no sound emerged.  He saw on my face the look of panic and frustration as the words screaming inside would not come out.  One of the few times his counselor face slipped and he showed shock.  He realized, I really couldn't say some things without practicing over and over again.  I still struggle with saying things out loud.  I am learning to write how I feel and think.  This blog has become my voice.  
Now my theory is a bit different than many that I have read.  I do not believe that God gave me child abuse to make me stronger.  However, I do believe that God understands that crap happens.  He hopes that I can find some way to make something good come out of it.  I can not change my past.  I have no idea what kind of person I would have been without being physically, verbally, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually abused.  It happened.  End of sentence.  I am like the little boy in Dr. Banks speech about the difference between an optimist and pessimist.  The pessimist was given a room full of toys and he disparaged all the junk and snarled at the world.  The optimist was given a pile of manure.  When the parents checked on him they found him digging in the manure.  He exclaimed, "With this much crap, there must be a pony in here some where."  Crap happened, by damn, I going to find some kind of use for it somewhere. 
 

7 comments:

Evan said...

I think we move on when we have expressed the feeling fully and/or found our meaning.

In terms of a bibilical spirituality god has been bringing good out of bad (and lets not pretend that it is not bad) ever since an incident with 'an apple'.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I wonder if that's why God gave me a horse for a while... :-)

You're doing so much better. This last week was tough, even for me, and I'm the healthy one. ;-D

Love you,
Judy

CZBZ said...

"I do not believe that God gave me child abuse to make me stronger."

I do not believe that either. Perhaps it is because of my experience with narcissists who wriggled out of responsibility for hurting other people. “I am hurting you for your own good” they insist.

You see, I was told that abuse was my path to enlightenment. That is how convoluted narcissists’ thinking can be! At the time, it set me back and I had to think through the excuses I had been taught by society…excuses that protected abusers, not their victims!

If you eventually find that pony, wash her off and braid her tail, then tie it with a bow. Sure, that pony looks better without manure on her skin but don't thank the shit-shoveler for making you spend a week cleaning up their mess.

I have learned many lessons in my life and gained compassion for other people because of my life experiences. I do not however subscribe to the idea that ‘because of abuse’, I am a good person. NO. Because I am a good person, I diligently worked through the negative after effects of abuse that prevented me from being my authentic self.

This idea has been a long time coming because like other people, I hadn’t thought through the implications of validating abuse as a means of enlightenment. Or suggesting that “what doesn’t break us, makes us stronger.” I think that most of us repeat these clichés in an effort to empower the victim and support her healing work. We don’t stop and think about what we’re saying.

It’s really great that you are figuring out what you think and feel. I’m glad writing is a means of self-discovery for you because you touch other people’s hearts with your blog and inspire them, too!

Hugs,
CZ

Anonymous said...

Hello Ruth

The following paragraph is from a Scottish philosopher.

“Though our brother is on the rack, as long as we ourselves are at our ease, our senses will never inform us of what he suffers…it is by our imagination that we can form any conception of what are his sensations”.
Adam Smith (1723-90)
Scottish philosopher

People who tell us to pull ourselves together, move on etc. are wholly unsympathetic characters. They have no concept of the psychological force of bad childhood experiences. Probably because they haven’t been through it and have no imagination – it was ever thus.

I have no time for those who have no understanding for others. It’s a two-way street and No Way are they better than me or you or anyone who has suffered trauma and abuse.

Thank you for another brilliant post Ruth.

XX Molly

Ruth said...

Thank everyone for your encouragement.

@ Evan: I have over 40 years of feelings to catch up on. I think some of the areas I am ready to close. Thanks for saying not to pretend.

@ Judy: Oh definitely, glad you had your horse. :) I agree it was a tough week.

@ CZ: I like the idea of braiding the pony's tail. I love horse shows with their beautiful grooming, especially Lipizans, maybe someday I will see them. Thanks for sharing your thoughtful comments.

@ Molly: 1700's and they were struggling with the same manure. For all our technology we haven't really advanced all that far. Thanks for the quote.

Anonymous said...

i've been experiencing this despair a lot lately, of *when* am i going to be able to "move on" and "get over it." because i desperately want to. but you've given me a lot to think about here. thank you. this is poignant.

Ruth said...

I hope it help, Hats.