Feeling

Today I am feeling pain.  It is like my emotions drag my body down and then I am feeling pain.  Pain has advantages.  Yup....that's what I said, advantages....as in more than one.  Pain tells me I am alive.  I may feel sucky but I am alive.  Second, bodily pain makes it hard to feel emotional pain.  My entire attention is focused on what my body is feeling.  Emotional pain takes a back seat.  Pain tells me something is not right.  This time I know what I did.  My body was a little achy after working out.  More achy after working out again.  And screaming at me for gardening. (My tomato plant is in its new pot.  Most of my flowers are planted too.)  It takes several hits before pain sets in.  I don't stop the pain.  I let it be there.  Pain keeps me from doing more things that would damage my body further.  Pain becomes its own entity.  I am learning that if I am careful I can take pain medication.  As long as I remind myself not to act as if nothing is wrong.  I am waiting for the pain medication to kick in.  I am feeling more and more relief.  Years ago when I was numb all the time, pain was a relief from the monotony of nothingness.  Now, it is a distraction from inner turmoil.  I hurt too much to worry about other things.  I don't spar at karate.  They assume I don't want to get hurt.  Well in a way they are right.  I focus on a battle and all common sense and healthy survival extincts submerge.  What does emerge is a fierceness that minor things like pulled muscles, bruising and even broken bones will be ignored.  I know how unhealthy my behavior is.  I don't need to guess on this one.  I allow the pain but I learned that to sleep I need to stop the pain and let my body relax.  It is in sleep that the body repairs itself if I give it a chance.  I'll slow down a bit.  I'm distracted by the pain.  That is a good thing today.  Today there were things I didn't want to think about and the pain in my muscles distracted me from everything else.  Nothing else mattered accept the pain.  I also remind myself that for some people, all day everyday is a battle with pain.  I get it occasionally.  I lot of medication is sold to stop pain.  I can see why.  After a while it gets old.  Can't think about anything else.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  I do like the Navy seals saying, "the only easy day was yesterday."