I'm sad

I was reading over on another blog about her heavy therapy session.

She hit the nail on the head for me.

http://crazyinthecoconut.co.uk/2014/10/20/heavy-therapy-session/

She asked a poingnant question:
- I’m grateful to have this, but why am I not worth the full package?

My comment:

I asked the same question over and over and over. My answer was finally for me, I am worth it…..my parents couldn’t give it. I don’t know if this will become your answer or not. It is what I’m finally accepting from this summer. My parents are in their 80’s and I’m in my 50’s. They totally missed out on being my parents. They chose their fears instead. I’m still sad. But I believe I’m going to be ok. Sorry you are faced with the same question. It is a painful one. You are fortunate to have Cat in your life. Your lunch looks delicious.

I thought I had accepted that my parents chose not to be my parents.  I thought I accepted that I am an extension of my mother in her view and she can't see me as anything but a threat to her well being.  I thought I had accepted that my father used me as a human shield from my mother.  I thought I had finally got over the longing for parents.  I was wrong.  I am still not 'over' not feeling like I am worth the full package.  I wonder when the grieving ends....