Determination

Or Just plain stubborn.

I watched my granddaughter move a tire that was as big as she was across a field.  She determinedly balanced the tire and inched her way across.  I was so proud watching her determination.  Her mother commented on how stubborn she was.  My thought for the day, determination is the positive side of stubborn.  To continue that chain of thought is passionate is the positive side of anger.  Courage is the positive side of fear.  If you felt no fear, there would be no courage.  Planning ahead and problem solving is the positive twist to worrying.  If you never worried about the future there would be no need to plan ahead.  My research on the uses and functions of emotions is an on going project I started in counseling.  I am discovering more and more how we rob ourselves of living fully refusing to use the 'so-called' negative emotions.  Perhaps my living without emotions gave me a different view and appreciation of the power of emotions.  Or it may be that I was raised by a mother that purposefully used emotions to manipulate others.  Intentionally and on purpose she thought about the best way to emotionally manipulate me.  This is a very person research on how this all works.  To protect myself I went no contact with my mother.  I wish that I did not need to do this to stay healthy.  I wish I could have a healthy relationship.  The last conversation I had with her was her talking down to me with intense contempt that I was so stupid that I believed her threats of suicide.  She told me she only said it to control me.  The fascinating side of dementia, all filters are off and a person says things that they would normally never say.  I realized then that was how she controlled me all through my teenage years.  Everyday coming home I would work to take care of mother and do my homework, never realizing at the time her threats of suicides were that of a master manipulator and not a suffering mother.  Her admission released me from every wanting to interact with her again.  This is why I continue to research and investigate what emotions are, how do we use them and how can they be beneficial instead of wrecking havoc in my life.