Emotional overload

Yesterday we buried our beautiful tiny granddaughter.  My sadness is deep.  Today I stayed home.  Tomorrow is a national holiday so I am going to go listen to my favorite musician, Cast In Bronze.  I am allowing myself time to feel what I feel.  Accept how I feel and give that feeling my utmost attention.  This is a life changing experience.  How do I want it to change me?  In what direction will I go?

I contemplated briefly anger and bitterness; I realized that those emotions have no place in my life.  Yes, things went not as planned for several things.  Yes, I felt hurt by some events but those things were side issues.  I foolishly thought when I reconnected with emotions they would walk on stage one at a time.  I had no idea that sometimes there is a symphony with a counterpoint and occasional crashing cymbals.  I experienced emotional flooding when I first started feeling again.  This feels similar in that I feel battered and worn.  No room for any more and certainly not wanting to explain to anyone why I feel what I am feeling.

I snuggled in a blanket, read a book, and played a few computer games, not to numb myself but to give my mind time to process so much.  Tomorrow, music and time to contemplate.  In today's fast pace World, people are expected to bounce back and behave like nothing is wrong.  It is like the whole World wants everyone to be numb and in denial.  Interesting for so long I worked at achieving such a state.  After counseling and reconnecting, I never want to go back to that bleak monotone state of not feeling anything.