http://jonsi-jonsi.blogspot.com/2012/06/seriously-fucked-up.html
Reposted from http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/apology.shtml
KavinCoach taught me what a real apology looked like and sounded like. I needed to apologize to someone and he helped me practice since I hadn't been taught. Being human sometimes we are going to mess up; we may say something, do something, or neglect to do something at sometime in our life. An apology has several parts one is owning the mistake, recognizing how that mistake effected someone else and then clearly identifying what you part is in the debacle. Excuses are not included. If there are mitigating circumstances that would be part of the explanation if required. Too often I heard:
'I was raised in New York. People there sound rude.' (Worked great until a fellow New Yorker pointed out that she was from New York and wasn't rude.)
'It is the effect of the medication.' (Funny, you said the same thing a few years ago and you weren't on medication then.)
When I became aware of being a multiple, my counselor clarified that I was responsible for every action of every alter within myself. He did reassure me that with multiple personality all the alters share the same basic core values. In Europe, multiple personalities does not get you off for a crime. The same attitude is spreading here to the United States. I can not say, 'One of my alters said/did it.'
'I was abused as a child.' So were a lot of other people and they are not doing what you are doing.
In high school, a comedian made the quote, "The devil made me do it," a popular comment following something that requires an apology instead.
Bullies often hide behind, "Just kidding," "Can't you take a joke," and "You're too sensitive."
Probably every reader could add to this list of non-apology excuses. I believe that eating crow is easier when it is still warm. I try to practice recognizing and apologizing as quickly as possible.
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6 comments:
In AA we make amends, not apologies. Sorry, without action, is just a word.
Hi Ruth
If an apology is genuine and heartfelt I think it goes a long way in making a person feel better.An insincere apology just adds insult to injury.
My father used to say to me 'I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.' To which I would reply 'I'm not laughing.' That would make him laugh all the more. Then he'd say 'You need to grow a thicker skin'. Some people think apologising is a weakness, I think it shows strength of character.
love, Molly
Just a heads up, Ruth: I didn't actually write the post. Found it here (http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/apology.shtml) and re-posted it. But I do agree with you that it was awesome - well written and makes PERFECT sense.
'I was abused as a child.' So were a lot of other people and they are not doing what you are doing.
YES. I need to share that with someone I love, who has often used that as an excuse. Thank you for pointing this out Ruth.
Thank you mulderfan. I agree an apology needs to be backed up with action usually a change towards a healthier relationship.
Molly those are some excellent points. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Jonsi, thanks for the correction on the website. I also thank you for reposting such an excellent article. I am glad you find my perspective helpful.
Great reminder, Ruth. For all those times the words "I'm sorry" never really felt like an apology, your and Jonsi's posts explains why. I make a point to apologize without using phrases like "but..." or "I just..." attached to the end because laying out excuses or reasons or explanations isn't important. The point is that my behavior affected someone negatively and my apology, at the very least, should show that I realize that and regret it.
That moment is not about me and all my justifications, even if they are valid and understandable. Mending that relationship should be the most important and there's a better time to discuss the why's later. To me, empty apologies sometimes do more damage than the original offense.
Luka
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