I Have To....

First step to firing my 'nasty boss' is to recognize I am one.  I had to first see what I did to myself.  KavinCoach held up the metaphorical mirror that let me see just who was emotionally beating me up.  I was my own worse enemy.  Can't over come what you don't see as a problem.  (Yes, it is a double negative, enjoyed using too.)  I met the enemy and they is us.

Next, I needed to recognize my main weapon.  I Have To.................

I still remember KavinCoach bringing this to my attention.  I don't remember what we were discussing I just remember saying, "I have to......." KavinCoach started looking around like he was looking for someone.  He finally declared he didn't see anyone holding a gun on me.  I argued, "But I was told......."  Then he blew my mind, "Why are you giving your power away?"

 I didn't know I had any power to give away in the first place.  What did he mean I had power?  I was low man on the totem pole.  I did the bidding of others.  I was obedient.  I couldn't imagine that I had any power to give away.  I felt a bit like a racing dog that just plowed into an invisible barrier.  I didn't rebel as a teenager.  I never learned about the power of No or that just because I was told to do something didn't mean I had to do it.  I struggled and fought....yup I was afraid of power.  Power meant control and I knew how dangerous all that was, I was terrified.  We revisited this conversation many times.  I realized when I told NewCounselor the same thing "I have to........." that I was still struggling with giving my power away.  Nasty boss ME always used "I Have to....." "I should......" these imperatives from others drove me to accomplish things but the accomplishments were hollow with the ring of resentment.  Anger that the accomplishments really belonged to whoever I gave my power to.  I finally thought of an example to illustrate the difference.  

Two professors.  (I had a lot more than just two professors but I am choosing the two that represented the extremes of this particular continuum.)

Professor A gave an assignment to create something about ourselves.  She interviewed each student discussing their projects.  I had my turn with the discussion.  I wanted to tackle an image about my memories, either stark and brutal or nothing.  I was ahead of my class in bizarre memories.  Conversation with teacher... "Awww soft memories so delicate and blurred."
"My memories aren't like that."  Could have saved my breath and energy, she was launched into her own world and of course reminding me this was my project about my memories.  I looked around the room and saw butterflies pinned to a board.  So I described a project of a tree at the park that I remember climbing in my childhood.  I talked about printing on vellum and pinning the pictures at different levels.  I basically keyed off the things in her office to create this project that fit her to a T.  But of course she reminded me it was 'my project.' I did it.  Created a 4x8' pin board of vellum prints.  I got an A+ on the project.  I hated it so much I took a picture of it as proof that I did it, then I destroyed it.  Totally dismantled the entire thing.  It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with creating what she wanted using her office as my inspiration.  But it still didn't depict my memories.  (Never have done the project my way.)

Professor B gave us a final project that was to take 6 weeks of the semester to complete.  I told him I wanted to use my pictures to make patterns.  He told me that I was just playing around and did better work when I first came here with no experience.  I promptly burst into tears.  That semester I had cancer surgery.  I tearfully told him that photography way the only place I felt I could relax.  He left the room and let me cry.  He came back and encouraged me to do something I was passionate about.  I used this class to create my gratitude quilts for cancer.  This project grew until 3 years later I did a solo photography show called Baseline.  I portrayed the emotional journey I experienced with fighting cancer.  I am now an 11 year survivor.  This same professor encouraged me to write my book that is at the bottom of the page.  I would have never done either one with out his encouragement.  The amazing thing was both the show and my book are achievements about me, not me creating what I think he wanted.  My self confidence and skill as a photographer soared under his mentoring.

Professor A I gave my power to her and created a project of her memory.  Professor B demanded that I keep my power and do something constructive with it.  My Nasty Boss Me made sure I finished the first project on time as expected.  I didn't need any Nasty Boss to finish my show or my book.  I know which projects I prefer to do.  Fire Nasty Boss, who gives away my power, and keep authentic self that knows the power I have and puts it to good use.  I Have To..... occasionally tries to creep into my language, Nasty Boss does NOT like being fired.  I look around with who has the gun.  No gun...then I take back my power and decide what I want to do.  I still may do exactly the same thing it is who has the power that makes all the difference in how I feel about myself. 

Park Tree