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I started counseling 10 years ago. KavinCoach taught me to see that my reactions were based in fearful childhood thinking. My reactions never grew up. Victim thinking kept me saying, "I have to...", "I am not allowed...", "I can't..." and many other things I said since childhood. As a child, my choices were limited and my desire to survive high. The adults in my life were not safe. My whole world was unsafe. I was always in enemy territory. I married, moved away, but took all those fears and reactions with me. KavinCoach challenged my thinking about myself and how I behaved. He reiterated over and over, I am all grown up now, I did not need to have the same automatic reaction. I had choices. Choices I didn't believe possible until he taught me to behave differently. I am where I am today because I took a hard look at myself and the choices I made that kept me being a victim. I was taught to set boundaries; I learned to say 'no' to others and 'yes' to myself. I was taught to control myself; I let go of someone else running my life. I accepted responsibility for my own actions; I let go of expecting someone else to take care of me.
I was taught to be empowered; I let go of feeling powerless. I learned a new way to live. I love living in charge of myself. Scary sometimes but so worth it.
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| Counseling - building a bridge to a new way of thinking |
3 comments:
Ruth, I like this post a lot. It traces how our responses to what others say or do come from places of damage or empowerment, vulnerability or relative strength. I think that all ACoNs ARE victims. In fact I know we are. The task I believe is to take the long journey toward being able to respond to triggering things without feeling always personally targeted. When we are personally targeted, it's important to express our anger directly, at the right target. But having good boundaries is about understanding the difference between when someone is attacking you, and when someone is disagreeing with your viewpoint. Victim-thinking is a dangerous subject because our FOOs always used such accusations to tell us to "get over it already." No one else has the right to tell us when we should get "over" something. Especially not the perpetrators or their flying monkeys. BUT, we need to distinguish between that stance and when others are trying to add to the conversation in different ways. Thinking "you won't let me," or "you're telling me I can't" is victim thinking. But it takes decades to get over those feelings, that really were deeply installed on our hard drives by our FOOs--when we were helpless children; teenagers financially dependent, and later, young adults who were trying to achieve our own autonomy. Autonomy is such a complex phenomenon. It doesn't consist of being able to just tell people to go "F"-off; it's far more nuanced. Until those nuances and their flexibilities are learned and exercised, victim thinking (and its flip-side, chest-thumping) is always there just ready to spring into action. Thanks for an excellent, timely post.
Thanks Ruth and Calibans Sister. I struggle with this. I'm very aware of my financial mess. I was taught I was incapable of making money. I'm also very aware of being unable to truly go NC, yet. I was taught that if I left the family I would die. I didn't realize that lovely little bit of insanity was something I was struggling with until a few years ago. There is so much to unlearn, and it takes so much work... I'm discouraged. Not giving up, but still discouraged.
I was thinking the same way today when I wrote my poem. I have let go of feeling powerless. I am also building bridges, even though I don't know exactly what is on the other side, I have to trust in myself that I will know what to do when I get there.
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