One-up-man-ship
I share my story, you tell another story to top that.
Spiraling up each out boasting the other until dizzying heights of nothing can top this...
I was raised this way. No matter what anyone did, somebody else did it better and faster. I didn't know that there was another way to converse until I got to school. School taught me quickly that there is always somebody better in something. I learned the value of listening and enjoying each persons own story without a need to tell them how I did something better.
When I was in my early 40's, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Caught in the earliest stages I did not have to have chemo or radiation after surgery. My first oncologist appointment, the very important doctor seemed totally disgusted that he was wasting his precious time on a case as easy as mine. I was very aware that most women had it worse than I did, isn't that why we had mammograms for early detection? I switched to another oncologist. He gave me the same information however he showed me respect. Answered my fear filled questions and guided me for a couple of years after surgery for self care. After 2 years he told me how delighted he was that he could actually tell me that I didn't need to see him any more. My cancer was mild. But it was still cancer and scared me silly. I learned that there is a difference between trying to top someone's story and sharing a similar experience. Sharing a similar experience the other person is assured that they are respected but not alone. The hardest thing for most abuse victims or ACoNs is the feeling of alone, isolated, no connection, no one can possibly understand the bizarreness of my life. The concern in sharing is a person putting them selves down minimizing what happened because it wasn't as bad as this person or that person or the concentration camps. During the first year of counseling, KavinCoach purposely pointed out just how messed up my life was. He knew that if I did not acknowledge the challenge I needed to over come, I would not put in the necessary effort to over come it. If you are trying to jump over a 4 foot wall but you only jump 2 feet, you'll never make it over the wall. Each person has their own experience. Sharing to let the other person know that they are not alone is important. Comparing saying one is 'better' or 'worse' than the other only puts one of the parties on a false pedestal and the other one is not addressing their challenges because after all it is not that 'bad.'
Writing the Wrongs of Narcissistic Parenting wrote a wonderful post on this idea:
http://pronoiaswriteofpassage.blogspot.com/2012/10/platos-cave.html
Each of us has our own challenges. Each of us has our own strengths. Each of us working together can support and help each other on the journey towards healthy or we can behave with 'crabs in a pot' mentality. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality I first read about crabs in a pot on another webpage ( I think mulderfan's). I didn't believe that my FOO did that. <always so embarrassing to remember how perfect I thought my family was.> Then I watched as my mother would pit us against each other. Compared one to the other. Or generally let me know how inadequate I was compared to someone else she knew.
3 comments:
Another fabulous post, Ruth. I love what you said about sharing experiences vs one upmanship.
And made me think of how no matter what bug or sickness anyone in my family contracted, my mother always was sicker and for lloooonnnngerrrrr.
It absolutely makes it too intimidating to share anything personal if the response is going to be, "Well that's nuthin' compared to ___." My grandmother always did this, my parents always did this to me, and sister would add a mocking tone to it. It's a recipe for invisiblity and self-negation.
There is also the danger of hijacking someone else's pain. I've had others share their own experience, in an effort to let me know I wasn't alone, and yet I ended up comforting them. It didn't sound like a one-up, but I felt like it was because I had to ignore my hurt in order to help them feel better.
How I learned to tell the difference: I developed friends who allowed me to be sad and angry and hurt. They let me own it and work through it. I would reach a point where I was ready to accept more, and THEN they'd share their experience. It doesn't always happen that way now, but I've learned there are those who will not try to hijack my moment, be it joyful or sorrowful, so when someone does share I'm able to see if it's one-up or simply trying to empathize.
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