Sit with it

I am dodging and weaving and dragging my feet and even cleaning the house to avoid writing a certain post.  NewCounselor suggested that when I have a feeling I don't understand, sit with it awhile.  Now I came to realize when you SIT WITH something it is not the same as being in the same room and ignoring each other.  I am a pro at dissociating, which is like taking my emotion, put it in a box and leaving it on the shelf.  I decided ignoring my feelings is not the same as SITTING WITH them.  All caps, I am trying to share the ominous feeling I have when encountering my emotions at close range.  This past weekend, I packed in back to back activities added making jam, washing clothes and dishes, cleaning the house more than usual, made a couple of simple dresses for a project, I am exhausted from the weekend and any stray moment was consumed with Sudoku or mind numbing computer game.  Emotions are scary.  Here's the deal.  I worked with a counselor for the last 9 years.  My first counselor, KavinCoach, reconnected me with my emotions.  NewCounselor finished the process by teaching me to sit with them.  I talked it over with NewCounselor and I am going to try living without counseling.  I am not quitting, I think I am graduating.  Quite frankly, I am a bit afraid of sitting with my own emotions without a counselor refereeing the encounter.  I am home alone with my emotions.  Cool thing is a lot of the time I am feeling really good.  Kind of a sugar buzz feeling after eating half a box of chocolates.  Unfortunately, those are not the only emotions.  Since telling NewCounselor I want to try functioning on my own, I woke up several times with severe panic attacks.  The kind that wake you up and you feel like something is crushing the breath out of you.  [Awesome. ]  (All words within brackets need to be read with extreme sarcasm.) So here I sit with a massive ball of emotions with things wiggling and slithering around and I am not so sure about any of this.  Living without emotions is easier, less confusing, and a barren desert.  The Sahara desert has more life.  I am excited and terrified all at the same moment like when I was a kid and like to jump off the high dive... no I didn't like it, I pushed myself to overcome my fear.