Hypersensitive

Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You are just over sensitive. You take offense where none is intended. Get over it.

All words used to put me down or to invalidate what I am feeling.  After someone close to me accused me of being over sensitive I whined to KavinCoach.  Do not whine to my counselor.  He turned it right around on me and told me not only was I over sensitive; hypervigilance is the name of my game.  For the uninitiated to this term:

Definition: Hypervigilance is one of the hyperarousal symptoms of PTSD and refers to the experience of being constantly tense and "on guard." A person experiencing this symptom of PTSD will be motivated to maintain an increased awareness of their surrounding environment, sometimes even frequently scanning the environment to identify potential sources of threat. Hypervigilance is also often accompanied by changes in behavior, such as always choosing to sit in a far corner of a room so as to have awareness of all exits. At extreme levels, hypervigilance may appear similar to paranoia.

http://ptsd.about.com/od/glossary/g/hypervigilance.htm

He then spent the entire session probing and poking trying to get me to understand why I was like that and the rewards I received for doing it.  I had learned very young that my hypervigilance alerted me to the danger that was present in my childhood.  I could gauge how quickly I needed to duck from a swat or someone jumping out at me.  When I had children, I could keep track of all 6 children in the park by my constant scanning.  I was rewarded at work by anticipating needs and noticing slight differences that other people ignored.  When I was a grandmother, I sat next to my 3-year-old grandson.  He passed out and I caught him before he left the chair he was standing on to eat.  He showed me so many different ways this was to my advantage.  However, I knew there was a down side.  I tend to over react to the slightest provocation.  I tend to appear tense and feel tired in a crowd with constant scanning.  I now accept that along with hypervigilance is ultra sensitivity.  KavinCoach understood my geek side so we talked about an episode in Star Trek with parallel universes.  The two captains were switched.  One universe was brutal and violent where as the other universe was much more civilized and polite.  When the captains were straightened out, Captain Kirk asked Spock how he knew of the switch.  Spock logically explained that Captain Kirk could be brutal but the other captain could not be civilized.  I am aware that I am hypersensitive.  When I am hurt, I take the time to analyze how much of my reaction is hypersensitive, is there a past emotion boosting the reaction, or did I miss understand their intent.  I can tone down my hypersensitivity.  On the other hand, an insensitive person will miss some points even if you draw them a picture with arrows drawn.  KavinCoach worked with me in slowing down my knee jerk reaction.  Take the time to examine each part of my reaction.  If I am still not sure, check in with a trusted other person.  I had a professor that required me to do some reading that I found offensive, I objected.  She accused me of being over sensitive, I checked in with my counselor and after discussion I recognized she was being offensive.  I am getting better at judging this myself.  Over these past few days I took time to reevaluate my reaction.  I sent a copy of yesterday's post to my sister to check in with someone else that I trust.  I considered my own hypersensitivity then posted what I felt.   One of the blessings of hypersensitive is an ability for compassion, sensing what someone else is feeling.  I work at bringing my guard down in safe places.  I practice checking the room once instead of 3 or 4 times.  I doubt that I will ever loose this edge because it serves me well in emergencies.  I also learned that abusers will accuse the victim of being oversensitive to cover up their insensitivity.  I take my reaction into account but sometimes people are just cruel; I am responsible for protecting myself.