Self approval

2. Practice Self Approval

http://www.purposefairy.com/6661/change-your-life-through-the-art-of-self-mastery/

This step was/is very difficult for me. I struggle with even accepting myself.  Several things influence this:
• Most parents feel it is their responsibility to not only have a child but to civilize them.  A process of teaching what is acceptable in society and what is not.  Unfortunately, this is usually done through punishments. (I admire Maria Montessori for attempting to change this type of parenting.)
• Narcissistic parents can not give approval to their children since an engulfing narcissistic the child is an extension of themselves.  A child gaining approval threatens their ability to control the child.  Compliment may happen but...  Yup, there is always a but... or some other follow up that takes the form of some correction.
• The child must not take the attention from the parent in a narcissistic home.
• Abusers blame the victim for their behavior.  "You made me mad." "You wanted me to touch you." "If you were better, I wouldn't treat you this way."  Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse are all blamed on the victim.  If the victim was 'good' these things wouldn't happen.   

From a very young age, I was told repeatedly that suffering/punishment was my fault for being 'bad.' Part of my dissociation identity disorder revolved around separating the 'bad' part of me from the 'good' part.  The first break occurred around 5 years old when I was sexually brutally molested.  The fragmented child part kept the memories from those events isolated from the rest of me.  Ruthy the child secret keeper was terrified to release her memories back to knowledge to me.  She kept the secrets for 40 years.  She didn't believe I could cope with the information of how "bad I really was."  Part of the thinking of a small child is that they cause everything that happens.  If that natural thinking is reinforced by abusive adults the affect is devastating.  Many years of my counseling were spent recounting and accepting that what I remember was true.  The next step was KavinCoach trying to convince me that it was not my fault and I did do the best I could given the circumstances.  Early on in counseling KavinCoach would praise me at the end of each session.  He would tell me I was doing well.  I did great.  I accomplished a lot during the session.  I would wait for the but..... It didn't happen.  I think my expression spoke eloquently that I thought he was out of his mind to express approval to me.  I believe that an essential part of my integration was to first accept and then approve of all the parts of myself.  I needed to want all my parts together; how could I integrate a part that I hated?

KavinCoach started teaching me self approval by first showing approval to me.  He also talked about his own self approval so he taught me by example.  He didn't let up.  I don't think a single session went by that he didn't specifically and honestly praise me for something.  He gave me assignments to look for the good in myself.   He knew I couldn't rely on his approval and that the person that I needed approval from the most was and is myself.  I had to define myself and accept myself as being enough.  He emphasized regularly that there was NOTHING I could do to gain my mother's approval.  She simply can't give it to me. I am also aware that part of being human is messing up, forgetting important events, saying things that hurt others, and just generally doing this not at my best all the time.  I suppose this is why I believe in forgiveness; I am so aware that I need it for myself.

KavinCoach knew I couldn't approve of myself all at once.  He started a campaign of "how can I teach Ruth that she is a good person?"  He first started by saying he bet I was one of those people that picked up worms off the side walk after a rainstorm and put them back in the grass.  I remember blushing at this silly compliment.  Took me a long time to realize that this compliment wasn't silly at all.  He taught me bit by bit that I am a caring, thoughtful, considerate, and many other good things adult.  He went on to teach me that my behavior as a child was also focused on surviving insanity of the adults in my life.  I wasn't a crazy child.  I was a child growing up in a crazy situation.  I still tend to come down very hard on myself.  After many years of counseling, I am internalizing that I am good by my definition of good.  A work in progress and I am making improvements on seeing and recognizing the things that I do well.  I learned to accept compliments with "Thank you" instead of a qualifier of my own.  I try to approve of myself and if I do something I don't approve I work at changing myself to my standard of enough.