Wake of damage

Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt.  (On someone else's blog.  I read several and this just stuck in my head.  Thanks to vicariousrising.)


I am taking another class, this one is on violence in the classroom.  How does violence keep going?  Years ago, I had a very unpleasant boss.  I complained to my coworkers and someone suggested I go to HR.  I did.  The response, 'You don't like it, get another job.'  Well, I liked my job and higher ups changed my boss.  I decided to go to Equal Opportunity Department.  The woman listened to my complaints.  She agreed with me on everything I said.  She knew exactly who this person was.  I was bewildered by her understanding of the situation, but nothing was done about him.  The people that were fired by him without cause, quit because of how nasty he was, the misery I was experiencing, all ignored.  She kindly explained, "If he were this way to just women or minorities, we could move forward with the case.  But he is this way with everyone, it is not illegal to be a jerk."  So he stayed, until the big wigs brought in an outside organization to 'fix' our department.  The 6 Sigma leader pointed out that the problem was top down.  Sure enough, finally fired my nasty boss and hired another one just like him. The problem wasn't my immediate boss but much higher.

I wondered how people close to me didn't see how my mother behaved.  I complained.  I was told, "That is just the way she is, you got to love her."  They saw and did nothing.  What nobody thought about was the wake of damage caused by her behavior.  Nobody considered that being exposed to toxicity long term would be damaging.  I will forever bless the day when I told KavinCoach "That is just the way she is, I got to love her."  He came right back with, "No you don't."  That single line rocked my world.  I didn't have to put up with her behavior.  I didn't have to tolerate her nastiness to me.  I finally understood that I couldn't change her but I could change me.  And that change made all the difference.  Irony, I am the bad guy for saying I don't have to and walking away.  Nastiness, hurtfulness, and violence continue when good people do nothing.  Because when you do something, somehow the person standing up saying 'enough' is the bad guy.  When I decided I could live with being the ungrateful daughter, was the day I could break free and say, "No I don't."