Rescuing another person is almost always doomed to backfire on both parties. Rescuing isn't at all the same thing as being helpful or kind. It's excessive, self-sacrificing & coming from a place of guilt, obligation, the need to please &/or the unconscious wish to be loved & healed through this act. The problem with rescuing is that the person being rescued, despite often really wanting to be taken care of, also resents being put in the one-down position & often can't help but leak their resentment onto the person who's being so good to them. This confuses the rescuer who then redoubles their efforts to please & care-take, which unfortunately only serves to make the rescued person feel that much more humiliated & resentful. At the same time, the rescuer can begin to feel their own resentment (even if the rescued person isn't leaking anger) as they're expending enormous amounts of energy, time & other resources in the act of rescuing without obtaining the emotional pay-off that they were expecting. They can begin to leak their own anger onto the person they're rescuing (all of this is an unconscious process, not deliberate) who then becomes extremely confused by their rescuer who's on the one hand, obviously devoted & self-sacrificing & on the other hand, snippy, sarcastic & passive-aggressive. Often, the outcome is that both parties end up hating each-other, whether or not they continue in this dynamic. The relationship can be ruptured, or it can continue in this mutually-resentful & unhappy co-dependency.
Someone asked me about taking on too much responsibility and how to teach your children responsibility. These two concepts have a lot to do with the above quote. I was trained from a very young age to rescue my mother and take care of her. If she took on too many responsibilities it was my job to shore her up and run around rescuing her. She also resented me rescuing her. RCI really hit a cord with me. I actually did a better job at teaching my children to take responsibility than I originally thought. (Thanks for the positive reassurance, kids) One example that I can share was one of my daughters spent hours washing the dishes when it was her turn to do them. My sister-in-law was visiting and she commented that I could get the dishes much faster if I did them myself. I agreed with her then followed up with, "I'm not doing the dishes, I am training a child." I gave her the choice to take as long as she wanted to do them, they just had to be done. Now, that same daughter can zip through dishes and be on to the next job in no time. This is a key to me. In order for a child to learn responsibility, they must have a choice. You can train a child to follow orders but when you are not there to give the orders, there is no understanding of how to act for themselves. When did I start giving my kids choices? As soon as they knew enough to be able to pick one, often before they could talk. Did I mess up? On yea! My first son deserves a medal for some of the bloopers he had to weather. I kept trying and I kept learning and after my kids were grown I finally got counseling. Every so often I really wish I got the counseling much sooner. However, I am willing to share what I learned. Giving choices to children, gives them the opportunity to learn to be responsible.
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