This was sent to me years ago when email was still used for passing the latest jokes instead of all the advertisement that now pelts my box. If it is copyrighted somewhere and who ever owns the copyright I will gladly take it off my page. Snopes says it is an urban legend but I am totally OK with that. Have fun....
Fw: This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking his list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on my sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart! I had to go to an adult book store downtown. WARNING......If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", and "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck, so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled on 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan, and let me into her home during the wee morning hours, long after Santa
Claus had come and gone. I filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then, I went home, and giggled for a several hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house, and left a present that had made him VERY happy. But it had left the dog rather confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner .
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but quickly decided to keep my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells good, Granny," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas, and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting with her. It was then that we all realized
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died (or was dying), and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom every morning. Then she lurched right out of the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation to the limp doll. My brother fell backwards over his chair and wet his pants, and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and went to sit in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. And, I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the home.
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