Sometimes
we inadvertently project our hurtful parents onto people in our
present-day lives. We unconsciously assume that they'll treat us as
unfairly & unreasonably as our parents treated us. We do this
believing that it will protect us & avoid angering the other people,
but the behavior backfires when the other people aren't like our
parents & wonder why we're behaving so strangely around them. For example, I had a couple of patients who used to bring their own
tissues to our psychotherapy sessions. I always have tissues sitting
right on the side table next to the patient's chair, but still, these
women chose to bring their own & would start rummaging through their
purses when they began to cry in the sessions. I always offered them the use of the tissues provided, but they both insisted that they'd never want to impose upon me. I ended up explaining to them that when they behaved this way, they were implying that I'd be put out, inconvenienced
or annoyed if they used my tissues, which in turn, would indicate that I
was a very unkind, uncaring & unreasonable person.
It was very
difficult to get these women to see that it would be OK for them to use
the tissues I provided, & I let them know that the more they tried
"not to impose," the more they were implying that I wasn't a nice
person. Of course, they didn't mean to imply this, & I took no
offense, but I wanted them to see how their actions would affect their
other, personal & professional relationships. When we act as
though the other person is going to be unreasonable or unkind to us, the
reasonable & kind people in our lives will feel hurt, insulted
& confused, & may even become uncomfortable enough that they
choose not to spend time with us any longer. It's really important,
then, that we become aware of what we're projecting onto others &
that we don't inadvertently alienate the kind people in our lives by
behaving toward them as if they were jerks.
Wow...I read this morning and had a huge light bulb moment. KavinCoach tried to explain this to me but I just couldn't get it. This however explains it in a way that I understand. When I assume, (that always gets me in trouble) that the other person will behave how my abusers behaved I am doing them and myself a disservice. When I let go of my warped preconceived ideas and discover there are some amazing people in the world. Part of choosing healthy is seeing that many other people are healthy too.
Sometimes we inadvertently project our hurtful parents onto people in our present-day lives. We unconsciously assume that they'll treat us as unfairly & unreasonably as our parents treated us. We do this believing that it will protect us & avoid angering the other people, but the behavior backfires when the other people aren't like our parents & wonder why we're behaving so strangely around them. For example, I had a couple of patients who used to bring their own tissues to our psychotherapy sessions. I always have tissues sitting right on the side table next to the patient's chair, but still, these women chose to bring their own & would start rummaging through their purses when they began to cry in the sessions. I always offered them the use of the tissues provided, but they both insisted that they'd never want to impose upon me. I ended up explaining to them that when they behaved this way, they were implying that I'd be put out, inconvenienced or annoyed if they used my tissues, which in turn, would indicate that I was a very unkind, uncaring & unreasonable person.
It was very difficult to get these women to see that it would be OK for them to use the tissues I provided, & I let them know that the more they tried "not to impose," the more they were implying that I wasn't a nice person. Of course, they didn't mean to imply this, & I took no offense, but I wanted them to see how their actions would affect their other, personal & professional relationships. When we act as though the other person is going to be unreasonable or unkind to us, the reasonable & kind people in our lives will feel hurt, insulted & confused, & may even become uncomfortable enough that they choose not to spend time with us any longer. It's really important, then, that we become aware of what we're projecting onto others & that we don't inadvertently alienate the kind people in our lives by behaving toward them as if they were jerks.
Wow...I read this morning and had a huge light bulb moment. KavinCoach tried to explain this to me but I just couldn't get it. This however explains it in a way that I understand. When I assume, (that always gets me in trouble) that the other person will behave how my abusers behaved I am doing them and myself a disservice. When I let go of my warped preconceived ideas and discover there are some amazing people in the world. Part of choosing healthy is seeing that many other people are healthy too.
3 comments:
Shoot. I do this.
P.S. I thought it was cute my word was BEESONG. :-)
It was pointed out to me that I obviously loved helping people out whenever I could but used to refuse all offers of help for myself. I enjoyed helping others and it made me feel good, yet I was denying my friends the same pleasure.
Why? Because my parents taught me that asking for or accepting help was a sign of weakness. It was OK for me act as their personal slave because that is a daughter's duty.
I'll admit that I kinda used the never ask for help rule against them when I finally sent them a note which said, "If you ever need my help just ask."
Good thing I didn't hold my breath...they've never asked!
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